Was I mean to back out of being the MOH at a friend's wedding?

Question

Okay here's the thing. My bestfriend has always told me that I was going to be her MOH, since hs. 15 years later, it has finally arrived. She will be getting married in 6 months. Initally I said yes but because of financial circumstances, to be MOH would be stressful. I'm a single mom and work m-f nights. With paying bills and saving for a home, it doesn't leave me w/ much extra income to spend on the dress ($250), shoes, jewelry, bridal shower, present x2, bachelorette party, tanning sessions, etc... I told her yesterday that I couldn't be part of it. But that I would help in any way poss. Also, it has gotten back to me that she has been complaining I wasn't doing my "work" on her wedding. I do feel mean but I don't think I should have to dip into my "house" money for just 1 day.

Answer 1

You should tell her why? Maybe she may decide to help.

But remember she may be emotional. She is getting married.

Answer 2

i think you should have just left her some helpful hints along the way, so that it didnt shock her too much. maybe told her that you'd think about it. i have to agree, however, that you did the right thing. if my best friend were financially stressed at the time of my wedding, i wouldnt be offended if SHE declined the jobs of my MOH. you shouldn't have to flip out. she is your best friend, so we can both see where she's coming from. but hey, its her wedding. what exactly could you be shirking your duties on? following her around while she plans? also, maybe this whole complaining thing could just be a misunderstanding. she's probably under a decent amount of stress at the moment, so when she lost it for five minutes, she probably thought of blaming you first, because you weren't there to pick her up. or she could really be angry. talk to her about it. you dont want to walking down that aisle angry with you (it happens) otherwise she'll remember that everytime she remembers her wedding day.

Answer 3

I agree...she is being very snobby if she blames you for not doing your duties as a friend. She needs to understand that your child and your life with him/her comes before any friend. You cannot risk giving up a house that you are dreaming of just to make her one day so special. If she is so worried, then she should pay. alot of times, the bride actually pays for the maid of honor's dress as well as all the bridesmaids dresses. Also...if you still want to do so...you could always take a pool amongst all her friends for contributions to the bachelorette party and wedding shower. You don't ahve to cover the whole expense, just arrange it. Good luck to you and if she keeps saying such things, maybe find another friend...you are too good for her.

Answer 4

Well, it depends on how good of a friend you are. Although you may not be able to afford it, you should talk to your friend and try to build a compromise.
Communication is key.
Perhaps you can compromise on a less expensive dress. Do your hair and make up yourself or something.
You have to give this day to your friend. It's (hopefully) her one and only day for it be all about her.

Has she been there for you and your kids?

Maybe instead of looking at it as dipping into house money for one day, you should look at it as dipping into house money for a friendship and by the sound of it, you guys sound like great friends.

Answer 5

I completely agree and the same thing happened to me. I bowed out also .. when you have kids that stuff is just too expensive to spend for one day. I didn't have a wedding myself .. was never really interested in having one .. so it's not like she ever had to pay that much for me. You know? I am not sure about your situation but if you married before and she already spent that much to be in your wedding then I would feel bad... otherwise...

I imagine when she has kids she will start to understand!

Answer 6

It was not mean to back of being MOH at the wedding of your friend.

Each time I was in a wedding party, the garments were paid by the bride and her family.

All brides should pay for the garments worn by the Bridal party. It is rude not to do so, as they are asking people to spend unnecessary money.

Answer 7

You know what? You need to sit down and have an honest talk with your friend before a rift opens up that can never be healed.

Sometimes we expect people closest to us to be able to read our minds, but the fact of the matter is that they can't so we need to tell them.

Talk it out. Maybe she can take some of the strain off you financially. Being honest with yourself, are you a little bit jealous of her?

Good luck.

Answer 8

I understand completely. It is difficult to do what you are doing. I do not believe you were being selfish, I simply think that you are doing what you believe is best at the time. If I were in your shoes, I would have done the exact same thing. You should talk to her though, perhaps she would better understand the reason you made your decision, and any hostile feelings she has towards you now would vanish.

Answer 9

You weren't mean. You were practical. Your children have to come first, regardless of the length of your friendship. She will get over it. Right now she is in total "me" mode. It's her wedding. It's her right to be selfish. But most likely she will get over it very quickly. If you can't attend, send her a nice present (it doesn't have to be expensive) and wish her the best. She will be too busy to waste her energy being mad at you. Forgive yourself and don't worry about it. Happy Holidays!

Answer 10

Why not just explain to your friend what's going on in your life? By the way, don't believe everything that "gets back to you".
You should not feel mean for circumstances over which you have no control.
Talk to her.

Answer 11

I don't think it was mean at all. If you are unable to you are unable to end of story. Plus you are a single mom, your money is best used other places, especially MOH...it is really expensive! Don't let her make you feel bad either that is not fair to you!