I need some help in letting go. My dad treated me in ways that made me feel like I didn't deserve to be loved-

Question

I mean when your own dad isn't able to love you it takes its toll. That mixed in with the craziness of him using the words, "I love you" but his behavior and actions were far from loving and actually opposite of it. In any case, it has deeply damaged me over the years in the choices I have made relationship wise. I got to a point where I deny myself of all loving potential because of the hurt I carry regarding my dad. So, now that I am older and understand in my head that I deserve love, how do I really grasp that belief and manifest it and let go of the injuries that were ground into me via my father?

Answer 1

You are not alone in your delima...Although sometimes it feels like noone can understand the relationships between parents & children.

I always felt abandoned by my biolgical father who was simply a sperm donor. This affected my relationships with any man as a child I yerned the affection of a father & was jeolous of my sister whom had a father in her life although he, was a father to me and treated me no less, for some reason it did not make up for the absence of my own blood father as a teenager I blamed my mother "It was her fault my father wasnt in my life" but as a young adult reality hit me when I went on a search for my father to only be rejected by him. With much disbelief I became bitter and defensive it was his lost and I was better off not knowing him anyway.

Now as a woman, and mother, and daughter I had to let go of the past, the what if's, the regrets and asking of myself why. God has his reasons for our sufferings and it is not just so he can sit back and play with our feelings, Our sufferings make us stronger in life and in spirit. Although I didnt have a father to show me what a good one was I really did

My sisters father died 2 years ago the man that raised me as his own even after my mother and him had broken up when i was 8 After the funeral my sister gave me a box full of pictures of me and him and a letter he had had written to me he had even included me in his Will leaving me some of his life insurance. This was my father not in blood but in heart and when I search for a husband and father for myself and children his was the qualities that I wanted for us.

Continue to love you father, Im sure he loves you and maybe it is not to your standards or perhaps he does not know how to show it. Sometimes we have to let go even the people we love, including our parents. Pray for him for it is his lost really. You do deserve to be love as we all do and when it comes although it may be differnt try not to push it away, Stop being a victim to your fathers lack of love and take control of how you want to be loved start first with loving your selve and God will bring you exactly who you need to appriciate you and love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

Right before my father died of lukemia we took him to a special hospital that specialized in cancer. When I walked into the waiting room I saw a man who looked very familar same eyes, and nose. I hadnt seen him since I was 2, but my father reconized him right away ...the funny thing is I never knew they had meet they spoke and my father introduced me to my biological father after 28 years we finally meet, he told me he had lung cancer and he also was dying. I showed no hatred only love for without his donation I would not be here, I told him about my life my education, my travels, my husband, my children, my mother and my father, It was he who had missed out and had regret. I hugged and kissed my Biological father and gave him a picture of my family and my contact information never hearing from him again. That evening I sat by my real fathers bedside. Two months later I got word that Frank my Biological Father had also died however seen he did not attend my life I didnt feel the need to show my presence at his funeral and I said a prayer for him and moved on doing what I had been doing. Living my own life.

Answer 2

I think the first thing that should be addressed is the fact that you know why you have denied yourself for so long. Accepting that your father did not love you the way you needed to be, is very important. Now that you identify the problem you can now understand it for what it was and move on. The one thing i have learned is that you can not blame your parents. You can learn from their lacking and vow to be a better person, parent, wife, etc... If you would have had all the love you craved you would never have known what it is to be denied, thus you can learn from and be support for others where many can't relate or help. I wish you the best, live and learn sweety, that's the only advice I can give and hope it helps, t.c. Randi

Answer 3

When people are victimized over a long period of time the one thing they generally get from it... is that they learn how to be a victim. They come to believe that's what they are and that that's their role in life. Don't be a victim. And the way you stop that is to change it, and the way you change it is to take responsibility for how you feel and face life just the way it is. You do deserve love, and you deserve to love yourself. And that will become entirely real to you in the same way you came to believe that you did not deserve love; ...over time. If you determine to think and act on the premise that you're deserving of love...over time that fact will become as much a 'gut level' reality, as your doubts have been until now. And forgive your dad. Not for his sake, but for yours. If you fail to do that it will be much more difficult to accept and love yourself. In setting him free, you will set yourself free. One more thing, Salsa. You've said that you want to "let go", but no one lets go. You have to 'replace'. You can't let go of anything unless you replace it with something else. And in your case, that's the committment to think and act...as someone worthy of love. ...And you are. Good luck! :)

Answer 4

therapy, and pray it's what is gonna keep you going and stable you are gonna need help outside of your self and the best place to start is with therapy and pray it will help you feel better and after a while you will see that the pray is what kept you focus and if your not a religions person just think of all the good you have done in your life and all the people around you that really love you and keep someone close to you updated on your progress this is something that you should not go through alone. even if you go to group meetings trust me the first step to healing is to forgive i know it seems hard but if you just try and ask god to help you and believe that you forgive then the weight of the pain will start to go away . but please therapy is the key along with forgiveness. goodluck and i wish you all the best

Answer 5

I feel for you Salsa. That is the worst abuse any child growing up that carrys it with them for the rest of their lives. Is he still alive and around? If so, you need to go back to him, and tell him how much he hurted you. That's the first step. Give those injuries (technically speaking) back to him. Lift it off your shoulders and put it on his shoulders.
Second , then build up your own self esteem. You will never find love until you first learn to love yourself. Ophra, has a web site, and very good articles, on building self esteem for women. She does wonders for females. You won't heal until you first get rid of the injuries that you feel, and then you can start finding yourself, believing in yourself, and finally loving your true self. You are a unique individual. with hidden talents,gifts, strengths, that has not yet been revealed to you. FIND THEM ! Believe that your are somebody ! Because you won't find it from another person.! My thoughts stay with you.

Answer 6

It really does and you just have to realize that you are a great person and you dad was an @ss not to love you,
i actually know what you are saying my dad was like you know i love you but he never showed it like no hugs or anything, and recently i have found a good guy and i am like i dont know about it and its becasue of my dad

you just need to tell yourself that you are deserving of love and that any man who gets your love can only be so lucky to have someone as wonderful as you in his life

Answer 7

Accept yourself for who you are and love yourself! Let go of the past! You can't live in the present with one foot in the past! Love is painful and we have to take chances, sometimes it may no turn out the way we had planned but we don't give up. If we deny ourselves love we miss out on something that is so special. I tell you this, the love that God gives is the most incredible love in the world! He is our father and accepts you just the way that you are. Ask him to help you to let go of your past and begin and new day!!

Answer 8

I can undestand you, but maybe your dad wasn't be able to show you how much he loved you , becaude he did not learn as well. With me was with my mother, and now I can undestand her very well because her wasn't able to show her love to me because he was raised like that, she had to work since she was a teeneager and her father was not a present dad, and her mother who had to work also, wasn't able to show her how to much she loved her , and my mon treat me in the same way, but Nowadays I can understand her and I tray to show every day how much she's important to me.
I hope you'll be ok
If you need
I'm here

Answer 9

Try just leting all of this go. If you are a wonderful person then your dad missed out on the chance to have a relationship! Just find someone to talk with one on one!

Answer 10

try joining a therapy or support group they can really help you, contact your local mental health agencies to find a group. Good Luck and I hope you get better.