Problems with my man's daughter???

Question

OK, this is the deal...I am seeing this wonderful, wonderful man who really turns my world upside down. Well, for some reason...his daughter who is 15 thinks she needs to babysit us while we are together. She won't let us hug, kiss, get close, or have any free time together. She will purposely stay awake & make remarks as to me leaving so that she can go to bed. If he touches me in any shape, form, or fashion...she will hit him. If she is around..I can't hardly talk to him on HIS cell. The other night she kept on saying things & I got so upset, I was crying. So, last night..we all went out to eat & to Wal-Mart which was great but after we got home she started again & said she wasn't going to bed until I left. Her father FINALLY got ticked off & told her to either go to bed or we would go into the den and have an adult conversation & leave her in the sitting room. She got ticked off & went to her room. Now what? I've tried everything to get along w/ her? I mean everything! HELP ME!!

Mind you...we have been talking and whatnot since Feb. of this year. Things are getting serious and he is even talking getting married? I have took her to the mall...out to eat, let her take care of my 1 year old daughter...had talks with her and tried to show her that I love her and want to be there for her but to no avail?!

Answer 1

She's obviously got some jealousy issues: She doesn't want you taking her dad's time from her! She doesn't want to see you growing closer with him because she's afraid.

Without knowing her, it's impossible for us to know whether she might have any additional general problems that might be to blame. It's also possible she sees you as an "opponent" to her mother; a lot of kids want their parents back together, no matter how unlikely that scenario is to the rest of the world. Again, without more information, it's impossible to assert whether that's the case.

Based on my volunteer work with divorced children, and the training that organization provided, I would advise patience and kindness (hard as it may be!) as the best possible method of keeping the relationship healthy with your man. Remember that if you treat her with respect, including reasonable semblance of respect for the boundaries she expects with regard to her father, as she matures and gets to know you better she will be more likely to reciprocate.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Look, I know you love the guy but think real carefully and don't be blind about the facts dealing with this relationship. I went thru this exact thing so I know what I'm talking about. I met my hubby when he was divorced and he would fly his little girl to see him every summer. It was real hard for us to have any alone time and she saw to it that we would never be alone! She wanted his full attention at all times but acted pretty civil towards me but when she went home she told her mother and relatives what a witch I was and how I treated her like cinderella's step mom! Honestly, she literally saw me as the fairy tale step mom! All I did was take her shopping and cook her meals and basically treat her like a princess! She will never see you as anything other than her rival or competition. She sees you as an intruder coming between her parent's. This girl is now a full grown adult with several children and she's still daddy's girl. She lays the guilt trip on her dad about having left her when she was a little girl and she doesn't even have to say it, he feels guilty about putting her thru a divorce with her mother. I have accepted that she will always be a part of our marriage and my husband will always include her in all our plans.
If I had to do it again, I probably would've remained single a little longer and maybe given other single guys a chance! Think about this seriously, because she will be a part of your family forever or until you or your future husband pass away! That's just reality and it ain't pretty. I love my husband very much and he does whatever to make me happy, but we've had many arguments about that possesive daughter of his! One more thing, don't allow her to make you cry, please, cuz you're giving her the feeling of power over you(a grown woman!) walk away and cry somewhere else or just learn to be assertive and strong with this brat! Good luck dear and another thing, you've got to lay down the rules before you marry this guy. Agree to support each other and speak with one voice. Never allow her to pit you against each other. Stand together as a team, always and don't let her manipulate you or your man. Sorry this is so long but I feel strongly about this subject.

Answer 3

It is Quiet obvisious she want her mom in the picture and not you or She could is just BE possesive of him, scared you will take him from her (attention). This is something that he needs to address.

If he don;t address her behavior ya'lll will definelty have problems. He needs to talk to her and ask her what the problem is? what is it that she is feeling? And reassure her that he will still give her time. As far as her sitting around you two while you are have ya'll time is totally out of line.

I learned you alway keep a child in there place, she is a growing teenager he should let her live her teenager life but when she is allowed to sit around adults and communicate with then how adults (man/women) communicate then she think she is on ya'll level. I see a big problem brewing. he has to stand firm and let her know that she is out of line. If sounds like she doesn't have fear because I know, I was to scared, I couldn;t play and hit my dad or I knew I would get in trouble, you kids play with you like that then they feel they can do it when they are old enough or angry enough.

Good Luck

Answer 4

This is going to sound weird but, you need to understand that to the young lady YOU are the invader. She is right in thinking that you should come into their family with a certain amount of respect. You should leave before her bed time because regardless to the fact that you are both grown; you are considering being her MOTHER. That means you have to start off as the role model you intend to finish as. She needs to see you as impecable and not because you are but, because every child needs to see in their parents something to aspire to. She is challenging you not on your worth as a person; she is challenging on your worth as Her DADDY's wife and Her future MOTHER. That is scary for her. If you want romantic time like that do not do it in Her place of santuary, her home. You would be taking her feeling of safety away. I suggest that all rendezvous' at his house be family oriented and that you slow down because frankly it hasn't been long enough; you still don't know each other. Also remember at this stage in life she needs a mother, I don't know where her mother is, but an extra motherly friend who reinforces positive values can help her become stronger. Finally, stop letting this girl punk you. If she says mean things to you; DON'T you dare cry!!! You take all the courage you can muster and you say something positive to her. You tell she is better than the attitude she is displaying, but say it with strength and an attitude of your own, that says, "I love you but, I ain't taking no crap off you cutie!!" If you don't back her up now and you marry this guy; your 1 yr old is going to punk you too.

Answer 5

My first question is the girl's mother still alive? Allot of children resent their parents dating someone else because they want to see their parents together. She probably sees you as a threat. Have her dad sit down and talk to her, let he know that he will always care for her mother but they just can't live together. You will have to assure her that you know you can never take her mother's place but you would like a chance to be a good step-mother or second mother if her's is deceased. Remember the old saying "A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daugthter all of her life."

Answer 6

It's important that you realize that YOU are the interloper in this situation. That doesn't make you a bad person or anything...it just means that this girl's feelings are what should come first, as the man you are seeing is her FATHER while he is merely your BOYFRIEND.

Divorce is very difficult on children, and the difficulty sometimes doesn't rear its ugly head until the "new" person is introduced. If you are going to continue a relationship with this man, or with any other divorced man with children, you are the one who needs to find out more about what your role will be in that relationship. You are not only having a relationship with that man, but with him AND his kids. Especially if the kids are girls, you're going to have a rough time of it. Decide now if that's the road you want to go down. If it is, then bone up on the latest sociological studies on this subject and do the right thing by these poor and confused children. If not, then I suggest you find another boyfriend who doesn't have children. It will be much easier for you and you won't have to deal with this type of situation.

Answer 7

The two most likely casues is she's afraid of losing her father's attention, or doesn't want her other mother, deceased or not, replaced. In what I assume are rarer cases, a daughter can have an unhealthy adult attraction to her father.

As for what to do, I cannot say, as I am sure most will tell you to be more patient and go to family therapy. I could say a bit of the same, but my inclination is to tell the daughter to sit down and grow up before she really ticks me off. The best advice likely depends on his daughter. I would have the father talk to her first to reassure her how much she's still loved. Still, my patience is thin. good luck to you.

Answer 8

Ok.. I have to admit it, I've been the daughter before. It was always just my mom, brother (mentally and physically handicap) and myself. Well I was getting ready to go away to college when my mom met this guy, it wasn't serious to begin with. Well while I was away at school they got close and he started living with us. So when I came back home for breaks I had to deal with him. Which was HORRIBLE!!!!! Its not that I didn't like him, its just that that was my house and my family. Its like I went away to college and I was replaced. He did the cooking, he cleaned, he took care of my mom and my brother. THAT WAS MY JOB!!! How could I like him when he took away everything that I loved to do. I was constantly told that he wasn't replacing me, but I couldn't help but feel that way.Its like I went away to college and I had nothing left at home, he stole my family. I did everything in my power to get him to leave and it almost worked. I would do things behind his back, i would yell at him, i would do anything I could to get him to leave. Then my mom told me that they were getting married. I still couldn't stand it, but I started to think. My mom needs this. He does more for her than I ever could. And I am going to be leaving home soon and getting married and then I will leave her, she will need someone to take care of her. So I gave in, I was happy for them well as happy as i could be. It still didn't get any better, we were ok to each other, but we butted heads all the time. We were both stubborn and were a lot alike. And we didn't want to give any. Then I met my husband, moved out and got married. And we have such a great relationship now, my step father and I. We are good friends, we talk often, I love him, hes the best father I've ever had. We just needed time and space to learn to like each other.
So I know where she is coming from, especially if she hasn't had a mother figure around for awhile. Its not that she doesn't like you, she just doesn't want you to take her father and her fathers attention. You have to let her know that he will always love her, no matter what. But there are things that heneeds that she just can't give him, but you can. And that she wont always be around, she will grow up and have her own family and she doesn't want him to be all alone that you will be there to take care of him and love him. Make sure she knows you aren't trying to replace her, just want to join the family and add to it....Be her friend not her enemy..And good luck.

Answer 9

unforunately there isnt much you can do. your man needs to talk to her daughter and set boundaries and limitations. in the mind of the daughter, she doesnt accept you and still wants her dad and biological mom to be together (thats if she is still alive). you can try to win her over and have her accept you, but you cannot buy her love. best thing you can do is just be the adult and not get confrontational.

as far as she hitting her father, that is absolutely unacceptable and i think he needs to learn some parenting skills. he might be way too lenient on her that is why she is able to act out like that. try suggesting family counseling?

Answer 10

she's jealous, granted. every girl wants to see daddy with mommie. okay, stay away from her house for a while; tell him you rather he see you at your place and when you do go over (2months) you guys do thngs together; iceskate, rollerskate,movies(she sits next to daddy) you have to be the adult. allow her to hold his hand and be the apple of his attention while in your presence. she will begin to act diffrently she thinks that you will take him away from her; he's her first love. you must show her that he's hers forever. You two guys will share the most romantic time together once he sees that your're not fighting his daughter for his attention. and the part about her having made you cry boy oh boy stop fighting to be daddies little girl. it's her turn.