Bizzare Dispute Over Wedding Gifts and Thank You Notes?

Question

Hi, please, your thoughts on this silly situation.
I've known a girl "Sara" since we were in elementary school together. We came to the same college where we remained friends. Eventually, due to our friendship, my roommate also became friends with her. Happily both my roommate and I were invited to Sara's wedding, so began the process of choosing a gift.
My roommate "Marcia" purchased something off the registry. I decided to put together photo albums and DVDs featuring pictures of Sara and all her childhood memories as she had recently lost all her belongings in a fire. She cried and cried over all her memories going up in flames. It took months and the input of many of her friends to compile this gift.
After the wedding, Marcia recieves her thank you card and I recieved none. I didn't really care until I bumped into Sara's mom in a store and suddenly she blurted out "Sorry about not sending a card, they were expensive so I decided to reserve them for the expensive gifts"

The dispute is, Marcia agrees with the Mother and says it's tacky of a wedding geust to bring a present that is not on the registry. Marcia says it's fine to not send thank you notes to gifts that were not asked for. IS THIS TRUE??? Has etiquette come to this?? Is it now "tacky" not to buy a flashy gift from an overpriced registry?? And is it now acceptable to punish those who don't use the registry by refusing Thank You notes?

Answer 1

You are totally right here. Some of my favorite wedding gifts are the ones that were not on my registry, but something that the giver knew we would love and appreciate. The gift you gave sounds like a beautiful heartfelt gift, and to not thank you for such a great gift is very tacky of the receiver. Thank you cards aren't THAT expensive...hell, go to the dollar store and get a pack for a couple of dollars. It doesn't matter if its a fancy foil-lettered card or a simple 99 cent card. What matters is that every person that gives a gift is to be thanked, whether they give a candle or the sweet gift you gave of photo albums and DVDs. I'm sorry this happened to you and I totally agree with you. Your gift deserved a thank you just as much, if not more so, than the ones that came from the registry.

Answer 2

First of all - how awesome are you. What an outstanding idea and a gift that she will always have. Second - MOM should not be sending out thank-you's. Sara should. You absolutely should have gotten a card -- a very thoughtful card. If I were you, I'd call or go see Sara. I have bought a box of 8 thank you card from Hallmark and used them in a pinch. (I suggest this as a wedding gift for Sara and her mom). Gift registry's are "ideas" for people who don't know what the likes and dislikes of the intended couple are. I very rarely get something off the registry because I cannot afford most of the things the couple has selected and I'll decide what I want to give as a gift - Someone else will not tell me what to get. Your gift was so personal and sentimental that Mom, Sara and every single guest should have been gushing over it. Shame on Sara and you really need to talk to her. You need to tell her how hurt you are. Maybe you'll need to reevaluate your friendship, because it sounds to me that she doesn't know the meaning of the word. That said....did she go nuts in front of everyone - stop and look at the pictures - put the DVD on, etc, all the while just saying "thank you mrs. smith for the wonderful measuring cups? In her mind that may have been your thank you and unfortunately Etiquette does say that if you say thank you in person, it isn't necessary to write a note. I disagree with this, but I'm old fashioned. However in her mind, she may have fussed over your gift publically and therefore thought a formal note wasn't necessary. Hence the reason why you really do need to have a conversation with her. Good luck.

Answer 3

Wow. That has got to be one of the rudest things I've ever heard of.

Did Sara's mom have a price list of the gifts and if the gift was under a certain dollar amount, decide it wasn't worthy of a thank you card?

Sara's mom lacks any kind of class whatsoever. And, no offense, but your friend Sara didn't exactly score any points either. With all of the love, time, and effort that you put into your gift, she should have sent you a personal thank you note, or at the very least a phone call. Either that, or she had no idea that her mother didn't send thank you cards to everyone.

Either way, it doesn't matter what you gave her, a thank you card was definitely in line.

Answer 4

Why was the bride's mother sending out the thank you notes? It is the bride and groom who are supposed to send out the thank you notes. And how expensive can a thank you note be? Her mom is an idiot... but the bride is the one at fault. She's the one that neglected to thank you for the gift.

All wedding gifts - on or off the registry - deserve a thank you note. Why are you letting your roommate get involved in this dispute? She's probably just feeling that she didn't get as nice of a reaction from the bride for her gift, and she's trying to make herself feel more important. Who knows.

Either way, let it go. It was a gift because you cared about the person you gave it to. A true gift has no expectations. It's too bad she didn't send you a note, but you have to realize that by expecting something in return, it taints your act of giving.

Answer 5

Well first off, your present obviously had more thought and time put into it. Anyone can look at a list, pick something out, and wrap it up. A photo album may not be a traditional wedding present. It may have been more appropraite for say, a birthday or something. I think a couples album may have been more appropratie as a wedding gift, but no matter... that's not the concern. The bottom line is that you absolutly should have receieved a thank you card. It's just plain rude not to send a thank you card, whether it be a wedding, a party, etc.

Answer 6

EVERY gift should get a thank you card. It's not the monetary value that matters. Thank you cards should go out to everyone who wished the bride and groom well, regardless of the gift. Even if that gift was just showing up and a verbal good luck wish or greeting card. As far as the registry goes, those are "ideas" for things the couple would like...a "wish list", and it doesn't mean you are obligated to buy something from the registry. You aren't even obligated to buy something...you can give money (which is what most people do anyway). I think it's BAD MANNERS that you didn't get a card. It's obvious this girl is selfish and wasn't brought up well.

Answer 7

First off, it's very tacky and ungrateful the response you received from the mother of the bride. You put alot of thought into the gift that you gave. It tells me that you care about your friends more than just spending a buck or two! Anyone can go and get what's on the registry (it's right there for you and requires NO THOUGHT at all) I have been in the same situation, but remember "it's the thought that counts" and "all that glitters, isn't gold!" you are a true and thoughtful friend and oneday your friend will truly appreciate the gift you gave her.....

Answer 8

Excuse me, but when did it become polite not to send a thank you note? You spent many hours, and a lot of effort to put together a thoughtful gift. There is NO acceptable excuse! It begs the question, why did she not go to the local stationery store and get some less expensive thank you cards? It is the new couple's responsibility to acknowledge EVERY gift with a note. I don't understand why her mother was involved, anyway.
Since when is it OK for couples to acknowledge only gifts that were "asked for"? It's tacky to ask for gifts, no matter how it's done. Shame on them!

Answer 9

WOW, they are the tacky ones. Every gift deserves a thank you no matter what it is. I recently put together a photo album for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. It took me months,(not to mention cost$$$$) My parents were absolutely touched by it & said it was the best gift they could have received. I hope Sara has, at least, verbally thanked you for the thoughtful gift. I certainly would.Weddings have become such a materialistic show. Its no wonder so many marriages don't last

Answer 10

No, Sara and her mom were wrong. EVERY gift received should get a thank you note.

And no, it's not tacky to give a gift that's not off the registry. Your gift was most thoughtful.

But as far as you are concerned, I'd just forgive them and go on with life. Don't hold grudges. It's not healthy.