Has anyone had to deal with...?

Question

I just asked a question concerning this and I thought I'd rephrase and ask again.

I feel like my friend resents me. I had an easy pregnancy and I have two laid back boys--5 years and 10 months. Her daughter on the other hand is a "nuisance." I just don't know what to do!

She's said before that it's not fair because she waited so long just for a disappointment where as I have it pretty easy. Her family is falling apart over the birth of her daughter and I really don't know what to do! Has anyone dealt with this? Are there any suggestions? Any parents out there with advice from either perspective--my friend or my own? Thanks!

I put quotes around "nuisance" because those are quoted from HER. That's what SHE says. I don't think that--I'm just putting it from her perspective.

It's not her baby who is a disappointment. She means parenting was a disappointment--she expected it to be a lot differently because of how easy I have had it so far. Please stop getting the wrong idea. She really isn't a horrible person.

Answer 1

I think it is pretty common for this to happen. She saw that you had two fairly easy pregnancies and two laid back kids that made parenting a little easier....and then she had her own child and it isn't the same and she's finding it difficult to understand. She made the mistake of expecting something as varied and unique as pregnancy and children to be like yours.

The best advice I can give you is to try and weather through this and not take her comments too personally. I'm sure it is a phase. Maybe try to find things about her daughter or her situation in parenting that you can put a possitive twist on. Something her daugher does well, or something like a schedule they have that seems to work well for them, anything to highlight something good.

I honestly don't think there's anything you can do to make her not feel this way. This is something she will have to come to terms with on her own.

Good luck!!!

Answer 2

All kids are different my oldest was a very easy going child when he was young and now he is almost 10 and he has been a pain in the butt for 4 years now. I dont know if it is the age or his real mom (because she does feed him a lot of junk about me and his dad) school or what. My 4 year old a terrible time with him when he was a baby now he is wonderful and a joy to be around. All my pregnancies were difficult I was in and out of the hospital like crazy ( I have had 7 miscarriages). I would tell her that all babies are different and that it will get better and that having a baby isn't all fun and games.

And no matter what dont take frustrations out on the baby and just love her always and enjoy her as much as she can.

Answer 3

The first thing to do, of course, is to go kiss your own boys and tell them how much you appreciate them for who they are. I always made -- still do -- a point of telling my kids when they're great, and what it is that makes me say so. For your 5YO, you can let him know WHAT he's doing that makes him such a good kid. It's always good to reinforce the right behavior -- you spend a lot less time correcting unsuitable behavior that way.

As for your friend... the best thing you can do is show her compassion and offer to help her out if you can, by watching her daughter from time to time. (You don't say what "nuisance" and "disappointment" mean, exactly; that could range anything from a typical baby with a new mom who simply doesn't know how to handle it, to a baby born with health or developmental issues.) You can't be responsible for her resenting you, but depending on how good a friend she is, you can help relieve the resentment by easing her burden. And depending on what you mean by "her family is falling apart over this," you can provide some time for the new parents to be together without the baby. That's ALWAYS welcome, even when the baby is a peach -- and even more so if the baby is a challenge in any way.

If the baby has health or developmental problems, you should also look for signs that the mom feels guilty over this. My oldest friends' daughter was diagnosed with autism when she was three, so we've seen first-hand what kind of guilt a mom goes through if her child is given a label. It's worked out great; the daughter is now 13 and a smart, creative, articulate and well-socialized child, thanks in no small part to constant attention on the part of her parents and good intervention by special education. (And as a side benefit, my wife now specializes in special-needs kids, particularly with autism, as a kindergarten aide, because she's learned so many skills from being close with our friends all these years.)

Finally... "disappointment" reminds me of things a few of my older relatives, both male and female, said after the births of my first two children, both girls. There's a strong social undercurrent, especially in some cultures and some families, that values girls less than boys. If that's the case, you can provide something VERY valuable to this little girl by simply treating her with the same sense of worth and respect you'd treat any baby, boy OR girl. (Or you can send her our way; we raise strong, independent, capable girls in THIS household!)

Answer 4

I just think it is really sad that you have a "friend" who would think her own daughter is a disappointment. Her family is falling apart over the birth of her daughter??? This is sick. Your perspective seems to be equally as disgusting...you call this child a "nuisance". The problem is obviously the parents. The people they choose to associate with says a lot about them as well. My prayer is that someone will love and appreciate this child, and let her know she is a blessing.

Answer 5

Well, the birth of my daughter brought tremendous stress and conflict within my family, which still hasn't been resolved. Our baby was a normal baby that took time to adjust to the world. I always kept a positive perspective and upbeat attitude, made everything a game with the baby. She picked up on that as soon as she could. She's a happy baby.

A friend told me that her daughter was fussy and hard to deal with when she (MOM) was not dealing well with family and work stress. Once her attitude changed toward these things and her demeanor with her daughter changed, the little girl became a happy child, because Mom could deal with anything.

Your friend needs to adopt this attitude with her baby. Deal with problems as problems, and with growing struggles as an opportunity to teach her baby, from the start, how to overcome obstacles.

My advice for you is to not personalize her problems. Many of us, when we're hurt, angry, struggling, lash out at people who have nothing to do with our source of trouble because we don't know how to deal with the source itself. She may have family/relationship trouble and not know how to tell her spouse how she feels or what she needs, or whatever. Be there for her, give her the advice you can (without being preachy or taking on a tone that you know better). If she doesn't learn from you, then that's part of her problem, not working through the things she needs to learn about to be a better mom.

Answer 6

She needs to grow up and not blame the baby for the problems that her family is having. Maybe her baby is having problems because she can sense stress in the household. I can't believe that she calls her daughter a "Disappointment". She should NEVER have had kids if she is going to say things like that!

Answer 7

I think she sounds like a witch and I pity the poor child for having her as a mother.
Children are not wind-up toys. The poor kid is probably re-acting to the feelings she senses from her own mother.
I think it is disgusting that a mother would call her child a nuisance.
I think the child needs to be placed in a home that will give her the care she needs.

Answer 8

Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do except be there for her if she needs you.

She is obviously having some major family problems and is going to lash out or resent anyone who has what she wants--stability. She has a lot to work through and I don't think it really has much to do with you.

Just be a good friend and figure out what would be best--step back for a bit or let her know she has a shoulder to cry on....maybe a bit of both.

Answer 9

Just tryo to help her get through it. Some kids are difficult partly because of parenting skills and partly because that's just their demeaner. Encourage her to have strength and faith in herself as a mother and to deal with her child with patience and love. This will all pass and she will be so proud of everything her child will become in the future.
I know it's hard, i have a child that many would consider a "nuisance," but I know he is intelligent, loving and charsimatic, he just needs some guidance and patience to help him get through this stage in life.
Let her know that just by her being concerned about her parenting shows she is a good parent and cares for her child.
Try to be supportive, you may be all she has to give her the confidence to go on.

Answer 10

Tell her all babies are different. I mean her baby could be quite to deal with right now but be an angel later in life. As for your children they could be good now and turn into terrors in their teen years. That's just how it goes. I'm sorry to hear that her family is falling apart of this. She needs to talk to a doctor. Maybe she has depression issues. All babies are blessings and should be treated as such...even the cranky and difficult ones.