After a 12 year gap i have just had my second daughter. I was 18 first time and 30 now. They have the same dad who we live with. It had a bad time with 1st pregnancy ie MIL telling to have abortion and not having much money b/f at uni. This time we have a home and good jobs and this is how i wish it was with my 1st. I have started to resent my eldest and snipe at her all the time which I hate doing. She is so good and I am so proud of her but at the moment she is bringing back lots of memories of the past.I know it's not her fault and i fell so bad but it's how i feel. How can i stop this as it is beginning to break our family apart after we fought so hard to stay together.
2006-11-27 03:07:08 · 16 answers · asked by mummy22 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Good for you for realising what is happening which is always the first step forward. A lot of what you are feeling could be placed on hormones as your body has gone through an amazing amount of change in this short time so please do not be too hard on yourself. Firstly, go to your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling as it could be the first stage of post-natal depression. He/she may put you forward for counselling or come up with some other suggestions to help you and your family get over this period.
Secondly, speak to your oldest daughter. Tell her that she is not to blame for what is happening, explain your feelings to her and try to help her understand what is going on. Tell her exactly what you have said on this site - that she is so good and that you are proud of her or even show her what you have written. Include her so she doesn't feel alienated and let her help you in whatever way she can.
You have overcome so much over the years and done a brilliant job so you have nothing to regret. Enjoy your family and be proud of your achievements so far.
Good luck!
2006-11-27 03:21:45 · answer #1 · answered by JACQUI S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ONLY YOU CAN STOP THIS. it is not her fault she is only 12 and needs a mam not some one to have a go at her all the time for some thing she had nothing to do with grow up and be a good mam you are not the only woman that's had a hard time having children. when i was pregnant with my first child my boy friend left me and i had him 10 weeks early. then i had two more with some one else i would never dream of being like that with my son. you are being very unfair not only has she got a new baby to com-peat with she has you giving her crap for some thing she did not do maybe you should go to the doctors and she if you have post natal depression.
2006-11-27 03:28:58 · answer #2 · answered by debbie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As you have stated she is bringing forward issues from the past. That is the whole purpose of having children. So we can look at our selves and reflect on our past choices and make the conscious choice to heal the wounding we have been suppressing. Your first pregnancy was a reflection of the emotional state of your own family history. We continue the same patterns until we choose not to. This choice of live our lives with integrity is one of our greatest challenges of being here.
There are reams of texts and self help books and courses as well as many professional choice that I highly recommend. This work that you need to be dedicated to. Even as we speak your new child is down loading all that is taking place. We are never disconnected. The trauma is already taking place. We never forget anything we only suppress it to survive.Play Mozart to the child. Check out the Mozart Effect audio products. It will assist in the babies healing and also the rest of the families. May I suggest Caroline Myss and all of her works, Louis HAy is another excellent healer. A side note. when your baby is born allow the placenta to detatch prior to the umbilical cord being cut this will eliminate any possiblity of post trauma effects to you and the baby. Make sure you get the first milk to him right away. This is essential to his immune system they can do their weights and measurments later. You need to have the bonding. This is an electromagnetic truth and an essential bond that needs to be in place. There is so much that I could get into about the state of society due to current birthing procedures but I will not.
Learn to forgive yourself and your daughter and alll of your past. Learn to love and honour yourself. then it will be able to be shared with the world. we can not share that which we do not have ourselves.You are taking the first steps to healing. Know it is yours if you desire it. That which we focus on becomes our reality. WOW what a concept we can create our own realities. Ther is so much more I would like to share but my fingers are cramping. Just got in from shoveling snow. All my best to you and all your family. you are going to make it because there is love in your hearts !
2006-11-27 05:14:17 · answer #3 · answered by iamonetruth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds like u need to let go of the past. maybe u have post partum depression. i don't like to blame everything on post partum, but the fact that u started to feel this way after u had your second makes me think that post partum depression is to blame. why would u after 12 years regress back . no matter what u do, u can't go back to change things.
always remember how far u came from being that scared 18 year old. u should be especially proud because the statistics were not in your favor and u proved to everyone that u and your baby's father could acheive your goals.
2006-11-27 03:12:57 · answer #4 · answered by Miki 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mother resented me and I never forgave her. Your daughter won't either, unless you get help. Believe me, this is something she will remember for the rest of her life.
In the meantime, say something nice to her every day. If you say something nasty, apologise. Try and touch her in a loving and affectionate way every day. This will pass, I'm sure. It doesn't mean you don't love your child. You're just being the kind of mother that people talk about for years afterwards - you now the kind - my mother ruined my life.
Sorry to be so blunt. Your daughter isn't stupid or blind. I knew my mother disliked me from the age of 8. Please speak to your doctor.
2006-11-27 03:16:27 · answer #5 · answered by True Blue Brit 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are the adult and her mother...it is your job to stop the fighting, hold your tongue and teach your child good values. She is learning how to handle situations from you and you aren't teaching her the right way...fighting about it. Tell her that you love and cherish her and that you are sorry for losing your temper. She is 12 and that is a very tender age when she is learning self esteem and confidence. Build her up...don't tear her down or you will regret it later.
2006-11-27 03:14:35 · answer #6 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are harder on your oldest b/c she was your first...a parent tend to stay on the first born or the one who mostly resembles someone who you want the best for in life so he or she will not mess up...Nothing is wrong with it...Just do activities with both your kids besides your first is 18 and will be leaving the nest soon... just keep in contact and be there for her when she needs
2006-11-27 03:11:36 · answer #7 · answered by angelic1302 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you shouldn't resent your daughter, you're right it's not her fault. if you continue to snipe at her and make her feel bad she will have problems as an adult. always tell her you love her and are proud of her, if you still find that is difficult try talking to a conselor.
2006-11-27 03:10:47 · answer #8 · answered by S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you suffering from post-natal depression? If so get help this is an awful thing and can tear famillies apart because it is usually the Mum who holds everyone together.
2006-11-27 04:07:03 · answer #9 · answered by cathyjast 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do think it's great that you realize what you are doing to yourself and your family. I think that the best thing to do is to go and seek some counseling to help you deal with these feelings.
2006-11-27 03:10:59 · answer #10 · answered by ♥dream_angel♥ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋