17 year old father of a 5 year old. Get involved or stay out of the picture?

Question

Made a mistake with a girl a long time ago, she was older then me, but still living at home, and her parents didn't want me around at all, ended up moving away from that state. Never really was in his life, but always paid support, and made sure I knew how he was and etc. His mom and him moved to a city only 45 minutes away and she asked if I would want to get involved, either as 'dad' or just her friend. I want to get involved, but I'm scared I'll just make things worse, or harder for him. Could anyone give serious suggestions?

Answer 1

Yes, you should treat her as a friend even though you can't be her husband anymore. Try to visit a couple of times a month and see how things will work out.

Answer 2

As a mother of 6 I must say that being involved is a good thing. If your afraid then good it shows that you are concerned with the childs well being. Only you can know if you would be a good influence on him. There is no reason to not tell him your his father but don't be there and then leave again and don't make promises you cannot keep, that will hurt them in ways that can never be fixed. If you want to be a constant then do that, a father and son bond is so much more amazing then you can ever imagine and her deserves to know you and you have a right to be there for him as well. Count yourself lucky this mother is asking you because with so much seperation and time sometimes bm's can be angry, with good reason some of them but she sounds like she is putting effort forth for ya'll child, take that and you know there are parenting classes out there and you could take one and maybe it will help you understand and make choices that would better suit all of you. Good luck and hug your son!

Answer 3

Unless you are mean or abusive, nothing you could do will make it worse or harder for your son than being absent.

Your son may be shy, or mad, or nervous about you. Don't take it personally. Even though you are young, you still have to take the lead in that relationship -- he's so much younger.

I recommend:
* Meet with him on a regular basis, at least once/month, more if you can;
* Don't make plans to meet with him and then change them. He's too little to understand and he will take it personally;
* Get to know him by talking with him and asking him about school, day care, his favorite toys or games. Don't expect the same from him, but do tell him about yourself.
* Don't badmouth his grandparents or other members of his family. If he says something that makes you think they badmouthed you, don't get defensive. Say something like, "It's hard when a Mommy and a Daddy have a baby as young as your Mommy and Daddy did, and sometimes people say things that are mean. But everyone wants you to be a happy, healthy kid."

Good luck!

Answer 4

If you want to get involved and the mother wants you to get involved, then I say do it. This is your son. You have been involved from a distance all of his life. You will both benefit from knowing each other. Just be sure that if you do get involved in your son's life, you plan to stay involved. It would be worse for him if you suddenly appear and then just disappear. No matter what happens with the mom whether you are in a relationship or just friends, I think it would be good for you to spend some time with your son. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

So you had a son at age 12? How did you pay child support if you weren't old enough to work. Did your parents pay it for you?

My suggestion would be to try to be un upstanding guy and good example for your son. Talk to the mother and see what she feels the child would understand and be good with. Children need fathers but if this is the first time you have taken an active part in his life he might get very confused. Counseling might help

Answer 6

I say that you should make the effort to get involved. I am pretty sure the kid would rather have you around then find out later that his dad ran out on him. You don't have to be a parental figure, you can just be as a friend to the child. Being there for her and for the child is probably the best thing. But that's only my opinion. You do what is best for you and them.

Answer 7

It doesnt matter your age, you son just wants a dad. Someone to look up too to ask questions too when he is older. You will regret not knowing him and he will resent you when he is older if you dont get involved now. Take it slow allow him to make the decision as to how much of you he wants in his life. Just remember no amount of money or " checking" up on him will replace a father at his ballgames.

Answer 8

As long as you know that you can be a positive influence (i.e., you wont do a line in front of the kid, talk about all the @$$ you get etc (not saying you would)), i would say definitly go for it. Kids need a male figure in their life, even if its as "dad" or "big brother". The girl obviously sees something missing a lil bit in her kid, and thinks you could help. Itll make you feel good, and you can see the results of being an adult in a lil kids life - very rewarding. Good luck!

Answer 9

honestly GET INVOLVED!!! i am a 17 year old single mother of a 3 week old and i know 5 years is a big difference but you can do wonders for him trust me my whole life i grew up with out a dad and i was so angry at my mother and him... now i have a daughter and she father isnt involved AT all in no way... step in now and be involved you will be so glad that you did i know tha t you are scared to do so.. but it will pay off in the end and you will be so glad thhat you did

Answer 10

You should get "involved", boys need their dads very bad. There are loads of things they can not talk about with their moms. If he finds out one day that you were very close but did not take the time for him, it could make a very unhappy person out of him.
In our house we are seperated and we are friends and our kid is so happy because she knows she has mom and dad and she is the most important thing for us. This is very important for her self convidence.
Millions of dads who wish they could be a part of their childrens lives, would trade with your situation anyday. Not everybody is allowed to be a good dad. So if you have the chance take it. When your son is grown up and a very good huma being, youll know it was worth it.

Answer 11

Oh, how sad to me. Don't you know how important a Dad is to a child? Your ex was so kind to give you this opportunity. You have a second chance. Step in, slowly if necessary and take your time. Don't make promises you won't keep. Be gentle with your child and yourself and see where it leads. The only harm you can do is by fighting with the child's mother or by abandoning him again so just be consistent, once you decide where you fit in. My prayers to you all.