Can't understand why we feel this way when we aren't together - we are both adults, why is it complicated?

Question

I'll try to keep this consice :)
I'm 19 and I've been good freinds with a guy who is 41 for a while. The age gap isn't a problem for me, we get on well.
I saw him a while ago and he kissed me - we spent the evening at the pub, he kissed me and we cuddled and held hands alot. Was all very nice. Spoke about it a few days later, and he said that he didn't think there could be an 'us'. I asked him to explain, and he said he just couldn't let himself think about me in that way. Fair enough, I left it at that, thought no more of it. Went out a week or so later together, went for a coffee and a walk - he kissed me again. When we spoke about it a few days later, he said he liked me, but didn't think it was the right time for us - we are both going through a hard time. I've met a new chap - and I told him that I've got a 'date' with him soon. He was a bit funny about this, so asked him what was wrong, and he admitted that it upset him. I said to him that he either wants me or

he doesn't. I then jokingly said he never answered my question about wether he fancied me or not. He then answered "yes and no".
Hmmm, things were a bit akward after that, not sure what to do.
Why is he behaving like this?

I didn't know wether to mention the age gap, as on paper it does sound bad :)
That said, I am a very grown up 19 year old and I've been out with similar aged men before. Most of my freinds (male and female) are in their 30's - 50's, I just get on better with older people.

And I know for a fact that he isn't married.
He got out of a bad relationship about a year ago and there are similarities with me and his ex.

Answer 1

god forgive me for stereotyping but I only have limited info for going on! from what you say, there is only one adult in the relationship and it's not him!!!
ok, he sounds like a typical man, wanting to have his cake and eat it too - basically he feels it's a bit wrong to be with you, but he wants you to make it ok.
so he's being cautious and flaky so that most of the hard work comes from you and you end up saying all the stuff people usually don't want to be the first to say (ie tell me how you feel/why are you sending out mixed signals - making you look needy)- don't fall into that trap. as much as you want some clarity, pull back and let him do the hard work. it is obvious he likes you despite the age diff (dirty old man - just kidding) so he will try to engineer the opportunity to kiss you again- at which point, i think you should play a bit hard to get so he has to SAY those things he is obviously avoiding saying in case it all goes **** up, i presume.
anyway, only my opinion, so let me know if i was totally wrong - and good luck!!!

Answer 2

Perhaps he does like you in that way but feels the age gap is too big? Does he have any family members who are your age? Maybe if he does, he feels it would be morally wrong (like going out with someone the age of his daughter etc.)
Age gaps can be difficult.
Go away together for a weekend, as friends, and see if being away from your home town makes a difference. If it does, then talk to him about it, letting him know you dont find the age difference a problem and perhaps he should give it a go.
Good Luck
:-)

Answer 3

Are sure this isn't a father figure feeling that you have. The age differences is a little to far out there. If the two of you did get together I don't believe that it would last. People calling you his daughter or asking you about your father, just because they don't know you and what is going on would put a lot of prusser on you. With that in mind I don't see that this could go any where.

Answer 4

Well, what an awkward situation! Well, let me give you some advice. Its not a good situation when a guy likes you, but won't be with you but also won't let you see other people. Tell him to make a decision or you're gone. This isn't a game, especially when feeling can be hurt, and hearts broken. If he really likes you, he won't worry about the age gap or any problems. If he doesn't, say goodbye!

Answer 5

I think that he likes you, but he is having a hard time dealing with the age difference. You can handle it but he obviously is worried about the reaction of other people will be and that is why he is holding back. However if you like him you need to tell him and say I like you, but you can't be one way to me one minute and then be another way to be at another time. We either try and make a go of things or I will go out and meet new people and you can't get upset or be funny with be, because you can't decide what you want.

I know that that may sound harsh but you need to know where you stand.

Answer 6

Maybe the age gap is more of a factor to him than you he is old enough to be your father and that although he doesn't admit it may be very hard for him to get his head around, just try and talk about the age gap and see if this is why he cannot answer your question

Answer 7

sorry but the age gap is too great to lead anywhere serious. forget about it and try to find happiness amongst your own age group. the age gap migh'tnt be a problem for you but it will for other people. nobody likes being stared at. and you would get some funny looks as you walked along as a couple.

Answer 8

Sounds like he ain't sure if he wants you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

You need someone who will treat you with respect and not pick you up and drop you when he feels like, it's not fair on you for him to keep kissing you and then say "I'm still not sure"
Don't let him test run you like a car! He either wants you or he doesn't and as he keeps saying "yes and no" then the answer is no he doesn't, just sees you as a fall back option obviously.

Go on your date, have fun and find Mr right!

Just remember if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

Good luck!
xxx

Answer 9

The guy does like you but not enough to date you. Seems he wants you to like him and not date anyone else but you two remain friends. It is akward. But go out with the other guy. This 41 year old is just stringing you along like a fool. Your 19 girl! Go out and get you a good guy!:)

Answer 10

I think that he's married. He's probably wondering whether his wife will find out if he takes things any further with you. He's got to make sure you won't gossip first. How much do you know about him or is he secretive. Leave him well alone and find someone nearer your own age before it's too late. You are the only one who will suffer in the end.