I've been sitting on my front porch watching how the kids play. They seem to point the finger at my daughter all the time when I've witness them to be the blame. We are the new neighbors so when I would be confronted my the moms that their kids told them my daughter did something I would punish my child. After watching them over these last couple of months its their kids that are in fault. I love my neighborhood and made friends with my neighbors and don't want to lose that. I feel horrible that all this time I've been punishing my child for something that wasn't even her fault. Like grounded her took away her toys. I put a stop to that once I found out the truth. They seem to put the blame on one paticular child who does start alot of problems but its not her its their own children too and they don't see it. I need advice on how to aproach them without coming off like a bad neighbor. Any ideas?
2006-11-27 02:06:12 · 9 answers · asked by kuts2desire2 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I would simply ask your daughter not to play with those kids anymore, as it is too difficult to extract her from blame when they make a scapegoat out of her. You may need to explain the concept of a scapegoat. It's in the old testament of the Bible, when the Jews would send a goat into the wilderness, symbolically burdened with all their sins, in order to purify themselves. Making a human into a scapegoat, then, is putting the blame for everything wrong on one person because they are a convenient available target. She's the new girl, it's easy to blame her. But she needs to learn how to defend herself from this sort of injustice, and it starts with the two of you, mother and daughter, acknowledging that it is injustice and that you will not tolerate it. She can play alone much better than she can play with such kids. Also, some of the other kids may not like the idea of fraudulently shifting blame, and may come to be her friend as a result of her determination to stand up to the liars.
You also need to stand up to them personally, and apologize to your daughter for having ever believed she was at fault. If you are confronted by the other kids or their mothers, acknowledge your own fault in not having trusted your daughter.
2006-11-27 02:19:49 · answer #1 · answered by auntb93again 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, when my daughter was young she got into a few girl fights a few times and I suppose this is just part of growing up. However, the other little girls were around my daughters age and the 'fights' usually were no more than a little shove or push, grabbing each others toys, etc. You sort of expect this from three, four or five year old kids...certainly not from a 11 year old slapping an 8 year old. You have every right to be mad and concerned. Your son is a handsome young dude and there will be girl crushes on him. And young girls can get embarrassed easily. But there is no excuse for embarrassment having physical violence as a result. I really don't know what to suggest to you if the girl's mother isn't returning your call. What I would do is strongly encourage (if not force) the girl's parents to have her go to some sort of anger management counseling with a professional. EDIT: The 11 year old girl who slapped your daughter obviously knew right afterward what she did was wrong. She probably could have made things easier if she instantly apologized for her fit of anger. Instead, she tried to cover it up. Sadly, this may be a reflection on her parents and the way she has been raised so far. If so, either the mother or both parents will try to play the whole thing down instead of accepting responsibilities. If this happens your only recourse may be to report it to Child Welfare.
2016-05-23 09:52:09 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't confront them... Teach your daughter to stick up for herself!
A wise man once taught me that: "You have no control over the way anyone else will try and treat you, the only thing you have control over is how you will decide to react to it." In other words... what is in your control is not how those kids treat her, but what is in your control is how YOU teach HER to react to it... It is a life lesson you need to provide her with now... before you set up a pattern of allowing people to make and mold her into what they want of her... Can you see the problems that may cause later on?
It has always amazed me how people can still put value on interactions and relationships that suk. Maybe you should drive her to someone elses house to play... away from the neighbors.
Remember the old rule. "Don't sh*t where you eat?" Confrontation and discussion only works if all parties involved are willing and mature enough to admit when they are wrong.
Obviously, children learn from their peers and parents so where did these kids get this kind of blame behavior from in the first place? Do you really believe that you'll get anywhere considering?
People need to classify things and situations (ignorant people do anyway) Your daughter has become the designated go to girl for all the blame in the neighborhood. That dynamic has been established and now in the heads of those children that is her role...that's what purpose she serves in the peer group. It will be very hard to try and re shape that... mostly because people are stupid and have stupid children as a result...
You sound smart... act like it and take your daughter to a play group, or the library, or get her karate lessons so she can defend herself! Don't scarifice her self esteem because your main concern is making nice with a pack of as*holes...
2006-11-27 02:19:58 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I had a similar problem with my daughter several years ago. I dud the same thing you have done. I witnessed the same thing and couldn't figure out what to do either. Then it occurred to me to surreptitiously make a few videos. When the parents of the true perpetrators were shown the videos all hell broke loose. Needless to say a number of neighbor hood punks disappeared for a couple of weeks. NO more problems. In fact a couple of theses kids ended up being her best friends.
2006-11-27 07:04:35 · answer #4 · answered by bonobo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree. Kids have become very mean since I was little and it wasn't THAT long ago. Get another mom whom you are friendly with and have her watch with you. Or, get another neighbor, maybe one who doesn't have kids, to watch as well. If it comes down to it, set up a video camera when the kids are playing and when a mom confronts you saying your daughter did something, say "well, this is what I saw.' and show her the tape.
2006-11-27 02:16:48 · answer #5 · answered by Mommy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you talk to the mom with whom you are the friendliest and suggest to her that she follow your example and watch the children? Let her know that's the only way to find the truth. If you can get even one mom on your side, maybe you'll win the battle!! Sure do hope you apologized to your daughter for not listening to her side of the story. Good luck, what a situation to be in!
2006-11-27 02:12:05 · answer #6 · answered by Ms. G. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope you can get them to start watching the children and let them see for themselves...the only way you can truly convince them...just tell them to come over and sit on your porch....casually and then say, would you look over there ( and hopefully their eyes will be opened in more ways than one...It is not fair for your daughter at all.
2006-11-27 03:03:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough one. You should try talking to some of the parents. Just try not to be confrontational about it.
2006-11-27 02:14:59 · answer #8 · answered by suz' 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think maybe you should just tell the other mom what is happening and see what they say.
2006-11-27 02:22:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋