Should I have his child?

Question

I have a lovely boyfriend (I'm 31 he's 27) and we get along fine, weve been seeing each other for a year and we don't live together or anything yet. Neither of us are in any rush to change the situation, but thinking ahead, I have said that I don't think we should 'take things to the next level' unless we can agree on whether or not to have children. I don't want to and he sort of does. I'm afraid that one day he will ask me to have his child and I will have to choose between losing him and losing everything about myself that I value.

He implies that if I did have a kid that he would do all the necessary looking after after the initial bits that only a mother can do. I'm not sure though, that means that I would be responsible for supporting a husband and kids, when I usually struggle just to look after myself.

Everybody I know has kids or wants them and they make me feel like a selfish freak for not wanting them. They say I'll feel different 'when they're my own'. Are they right?

Answer 1

I agree with "thinking ahead." And I think you would agree that you've not known each other long enough to get past the "in love" infatuation stage to make the life-long commitment that being parents brings, to say nothing of whether you will get/remain married.

This is obviously an important issue to discuss, but wait to see if marriage and children emerge out of a strong, loving committed relationship rather than using the relationship to (perhaps) aritifically create a marriage and family that will not last but the responsibilities and consequences of which will be with you for the rest of you life.

p.s. You are not selfish for not being sure of wanting to be a parent at this time in your life. There are more parents who should not be than non-parents who should be! :-)

Answer 2

Nothing is wrong with the way your are feeling. You are definitely not ready for kids and I would not worry about it too much. Why end a relationship over something that neither of you are 100% of right now anyway. Take it one day at a time. If you don't want children - don't have them. They are a huge responsibility and it is not easy being a parent not to mention the fact that they don't come with directions and every child/baby is different so no 2 will be 100% alike, not even twins.

I am sure that no matter what the 2 of you decide - it will be the right choice. Yes, once you get pregnant - some woman do change the way they feel about having children and others do not. It is not an experiment - you must be ready to have a family before having a child.

Good luck and God Bless

Answer 3

As it is your body that will be carrying the child for nine months you should have the final vote! If you feel that strongly about it, I'd say don't do it. You may come to resent the child (and its father) in the long run. There are already so many unloved children in this world, don't add to it.

You should examine carefully the reasons why you do not want a child. Maybe there is an issue you can work on resolving.

Don't have a child just to please your boyfriend.

Of course, your friends who say it is different when they are your own could be right, but by the time you would find out if they are or not, it would be too late. You can't return or exchange a child.

Think real hard before you do it and hold on to what you value about yourself. There really is nothing selfish about not wanting to bring another child into this world.

And NO, not every woman will have a change of heart once she is pregnant or sees her baby. If that was the case there would be no abused children or children up for adoption in this world.

Answer 4

Think long and hard before you bring a child into this world. People give a lot of reasons for having children. The in-laws want grandchildren, all the people they know have kids, some women, mistakenly, think that if they have a baby they'll be able to hang on to the man.

The reality is children are a huge responsibility. You have to be financially stable and ready and emotionally stable and ready. The only good reason to have a child is if those two factors are in place. Just as with marriage, if you have any doubts, then you should put having kids on hold until you are absolutely sure.

If your boyfriend cares about you he will respect your wish to wait until you're ready. It's not selfish not to have kids. It's selfish when you bring them here and can't afford to give them what they need to grow into healthy, happy, responsible adults.

You said you're struggling to take care of yourself. Do you think it will get any easier if you bring another expense into the picture. Make no mistake..children cost and the older they get the higher the cost. Have made preparations for a child's future should you decide to have one? Can you afford to keep a roof over your heads, food on the table, clothes on your backs, medical, education and so on? Think about it. Have children when you WANT them and are ready for them

Answer 5

First of all, whether or not you want children is really not anyones else's business. What would make you a selfish freak would be having a child just to please other people. I respect you for making that decision for yourself.

That being said, I think you should seriously consider the situation you are in. If this man wants children, and you don't, your relationship will NEVER work. That may seem harsh, but it is true!!! I think you would be making a big mistake by having children if you don't want them, and he would be making a big mistake by giving that up to be with you.

You cannot have children and expect not to have any responsibility towards them. That is crazy and unrealistic. A child needs that bonding with their mother. It would be very selfish of you to neglect a baby of that.

My suggestion is that you don't have children unless you start to feel differently about it. If you change your mind and decide that you could be a loving, nurturing mother, then have a baby. If not, don't do it to please someone else!!!!

Answer 6

I never wanted children but am now onto my second pregnancy, however, it is still your decision to make and honestly, how can he say that he will do everything? That sounds like a child wanting a puppy. It is much more serious than that and it sounds like you have made your decisions in life. It is not selfish to not want children, as beautiful and special as they are, they are also hard work and therefore the situation should be one of great importance to you both. I think that you are right to suggest that it go not further if you both do not want the same things in life, unless you feel that you may change your mind one day.

Answer 7

Firstly your not a selfish freak, & you can't assume that you will feel differently if/when you have your own.

The biggest issue I would suggest is what happens to your relationship if you don't want a child & your boyfriend does? If you don't change your mind, he will almost certainly resent you for it, & your relationship will crumble. If he forces you to have a baby, & you do, you will almost certainly resent the baby & will probably have difficulty bonding with it,

This subject really is a relationship breaker, & needs to be discussed sooner rather than later. You cannot agree to disagree & hope one of you changes your mind. If your boyfriend is adament he wants a child, & you are certain you don't then I'm afraid it might be better now to call it quits so you don't have more heartache down the road.

Answer 8

It depends on how strongly you feel about not wanting kids. If you definitely know for sure that you absolutely positively do not want kids, then you don't want kids. But, if you have that slight feeling that maybe one day you do want kids, don't give it up. It is really different when children are 'your own'. You really should have a heart to heart conversation with your boyfriend about it. Good luck!
P/S...A mother's work is never done!

Answer 9

Dont let anyone pressure you to have children,im 36 and have no children though my own choice.
My family tried to pressure me to have a family when i was in my 20's but i never let them get too me.
If you know you do not want children(and lets face it,if you dont know your own mind now at the age of 31 you will never know it)then no matter who comes into your life,they will have to understand and come to terms with the fact that if they want to settle down with you then you will not be providing the family they may desire.
If you are sure you do not want children then to settle down with your boyfriend who clearly does want a family would be cruel and not very fair.
My fiance knew after a few weeks of us being together that i did not want a family and he was happy with that.
He already has children and hes older than me and didnt want to do the nappy thing again.
Think hard about what you want and if you are sure you do not want a family then you must be straight with your boyfriend and let him decide what he wants because the last thing you want is for him to throw it in your face in years to come when he decides he wants to start a family.
I have been there with my x and believe me it not nice.

Answer 10

What a toughie! You're not selfish for not wanting children-in fact,I'd say you were very self aware! Being a parent is hard work-don't get me wrong,I love my children and can't imagine life without them-but I wanted to be a mum!
Why do you have to change your views and not him? Why risk having a child and finding out it hasn't changed how you feel? Not only will you suffer-but more importantly,that innocent child will suffer. I know you love your boyfriend and want to stay with him-but you must be true to yourself. What is meant to be will be.