My gf recently had an abortion - she didn't tell me, I found out as I had access to her email. What do I do?

Question

Any help appreciated, keep in mind I'm in Aus. My girlfriend and I work together. 3 months ago she went back home to the UK for a month. About 2 weeks after she got back she found out she was pregnant, she didn't tell me and distanced herself from me, although various things she said started to add up. I asked her on several occasions why she was going to to a women's clinic, she said she just needed to have tests done (smear, etc). I even asked if she had an abortion, she burst out laughing and said no way. She has kept getting more and more distant and we are basically no longer together.
Last week while she was on holidays she asked me to log into her email to forward something to another colleague – based on my state of mind I decided to have a look, and it didn’t take long to confirm that she had an abortion.
So what do I do know that I have found out by abusing her privacy? Also I’m not sure if the baby was mine or from something that happened in the UK. I really need to know

For those wanting some further details or to know what has since happened:

I eventually confronted her about it - I explained my situation and how/why I found out, that it was her body and ultimately her choice but that I thought I had the right to at least know if it was mine or not.

Anyway we talked for ages, she admitted it wasn't mine, it was to a long-time ex from back in the UK, that it was a stupid thing and she was sorry for she did.

We still aren't back together. It may sound stupid to most people, but I told her that life is too short to hold grudges - that it wasn't my call to make but I was prepared to give her a second chance and hoped she could give me one. To her credit she was honest and said she couldn't trust herself at the moment, which is hard for me to take but at least it's the truth.

By the way, the guy from work is someone she has known for a long time from the UK - he is (very) gay so I have no concerns that it was his! May have helped pay for it

Answer 1

First of all.. shame on you for snooping around in her personal email... Second of all. Her body. Her choice.. Might as well break it off now.. you can't trust her.. and she can't trust you.

Answer 2

Thanks for the answers so far guys - keep them coming.

I've logged in under another name to add some more info (apologies if this is against protocol). It may help if I add some timelines.

Girlfriend away - 1st Sept through to 1st October
Discovers pregnancy - around 11th October - so between 2 and 6 weeks after she got to the UK.
Aborts Pregnancy - 27th October (I month ago today)
I found out - 23rd November.

I'm not trying to shirk responsibility - if it was mine then I would have done whatever was required - I agree it is ultimately her choice so if she wanted to terminate the pregnancy I would have supported her 100%. The strange thing is out of no-where she used to blurt out "I want a baby!" She is almost 30 and told me she wanted to have a family sooner rather than later.

I agree that it wasn't the right thing to check her email, however my state of mind got the better of me - not trying to justify what I did was right though. Also I mentioned that she has basically called things off between us.

Also as it was her work email that I check (as I said, we work together) there are possible repurcussions - she could kick up a stink (justifiably so) and I could probably get fired. Right now I don't care if this happens. It further complicates things that we work together as I have to see her every day.

And as a footnote, she told our boss and he tooked the day off work to take her to the clinic and wait with her (as I would have done had I known). So I am in the position that my boss might know that I had a child aborted, and I don't. TO my knowledge our boss doesn't know we were an item.

Anyway any advice would be greatly appeciated. I have been through hell in the last few days (as I'm sure my girlfriend has as well since she found out), I'm just need to know what I should do.

Cheers.

PS I meant Aus as in Australia - I have posted the same question there but thought I would get more responses here.

PPS - FWIW worth we always used a condom - but yes they are not foolproof. There was one time when there may have been an accident, but she took the morning after pill straight away (she refused to let me help pay for it), and also I can confirm that she had a period after this incident.

PPPS - the email was to a female friend back in the UK, she didn't say much in the letter except "I've decided not to have it" because "an unhappy mum can only lead to an unhappy child". I think she told of few of her female friends at home.

Answer 3

You sound like such a nice person. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Sounds like there could be a few reasons for her behaviour. But I think she may have just wanted to get the abortion over and done with because by telling you that she was pregnant might of made the decision too painful and difficult. After she had the termination she may have felt guilty about keeping it from you so hence why she distanced herself from you. Anyway, whatever the reason I think you should move on. If you need help moving on because you are hurting inside, maybe you could see a counsellor and let it out so you can get on with your life and heal. Take it easy.

Answer 4

Is her boss a lady or a man ? If it is a man, he may have something to do with the abortion. If you have been careful, then I do not see how the child could be yours. Unless you have her calender and know exactly when she would have her period, and be fertile you
really cannot say the day she got pregnant. She could have been
pregnant when she left and did not know it. If her periods are irregular, its hard to pin down the date she got pregnant. So I am
thinking it is not yours, and she could not tell you. Give her time and some space for just her. She is going through a lot mentally
that men would never understand. There are many reasons she may have had to have the abortion. But you have to let her tell you when she is ready. If she never tells you,don't let it drag you down. If she loved you enough, and it was your baby, she would have told you I am sure. Since you were together for 3 months and she never got pregnant then. It could have been a one night stand, someone could have used a ruffie in her drink, you will probably never know unless you get back together and get the trust and love. Without trust, there is no love.
Hang in there
And I love Australia, I have been to Tasmania. Beautiful place you live in. Please keep in touch. [e-mail]

Also, who was the letter to a man or a woman and exactly how did she come to tell this person about it by e-mail. Where do they live ?

Answer 5

Be honest with her and tell her that you have found out about the abortion. Although it's her body and her choice it was probably a hard thing for her to do. Do you think though on some level she may have wanted you to find out and that's why she asked you to access her e-mail for her. Maybe this is the only way that she could tell you. Even so you should still talk to her about it but tread carefully and don't push her. Give her time. What ever you decide to do I hope it goes ok for both of you!

Answer 6

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Answer 7

This is a tough one. You need to be there to support your girlfriend. Having an abortion is incredibly tough on a woman both emotionally and physically. You need to respect your girlfriends wishes not to discuss this with you at the moment. However, in the future she will probably need your support so be prepared for this.

A huge study into post-abortion syndrome was recently conducted by a charity called LIFE UK. They found that all the women they survied suffered some kind of post-abortion stress or trauma. These ranged from hearing their terminated baby crying, wanting an atonement baby as soon as possible, despression - especially around the time thier baby was due and on subsequent anniversaries. There are also the physical side effects including the difficulties some women have concieving again. There is also a link between abortion and breast cancer.

My advice is to be ready. When you girlfriend does turn to you for support, be there for her. Don't second guess her. Don't judge her. Don't shout or be angry.

Answer 8

u have NOTHING to feel ashamed about. This will eat away at you forever if you don't at least talk to her. She may well have had good reason for wanting one but she should have talked to you first!. Either way you need some answers. Tell her exactly what happened, that she asked you to log on to her account and tell her what you found. On no account should you apologise, she has committed a far worse sin by not telling you. If you two were an item you should have least been consulted. No relationship will last the test of time without honesty. I wish you all the luck hun xx

Answer 9

When a pregnancy is terminated suddenly, on purpose or accidently, the womans body and mind undergo extreme changes which can really upset emotions. If you decide to ask her then please try to be totally nonjudgmental as she will be feeling very fragile and often there is some guilt involved. You could simply say you had your doubts and the email confirmed it. Perhaps you could show her your question and theanswers you get might start a dialogue. You must be feeling dreadful so best wishes with resolving your problem

Answer 10

You don't need to know. Why would you? Really. It was her choice, so just let it be. Your girlfriend obviously didn't want to tell you for one reason or another.

You have two choices now, choose to save your relationship and tell your girlfriend what you read and that you are a horrible person for invading her privacy like that. Work on your relationship and trust with your girlfriend.

OR

Move one. Get over it. She had the abortion not you. You don't need to know. You didn't lose anything. For you, the pregnancy didn't even exist. Lose the relationship because the issues of trust and your lack of respect for your girlfriend are too much. Find yourself a new girl and work on a real relationship based on trust, love, understanding and mutual respect.

Answer 11

Its a difficult one mate... But if it was me i would mention it to her as its not if you were snooping in her things, she asked you to forward something on in her email and that caught your eye.... If it was me it would be in the back of my mind wondering why she didnt tell me etc.... like does she really love me, is it because she is not ready for kids, was it somebody elses and just does not want to hurt you etc. Without finding the answers it might end up bugging you till the point it might only come out in an argument... So i would say ask her in a nice way to find out... Good luck mate.