Anti-American children, what should I do?

Question

Bonjour. I am originally from France, but moved to California 8 months ago to be with my new husband. I have 2 children, aged 14 and 17 and both males. My problem is that my boys hate it here, and they hate my husband, simply because he is American. I never raised them like that, but their father was very anti-American, and there was some very anti-American sentiment by their classmates back in France since the invasion of Iraq, so they must have learned it from these 2 sources. But I have also though that maybe they are mad at me for remarrying. But I don’t know what to do. They say they want to go back to France and live with their father, but he was abusive and I now have soul custody. They really hate it here though. They refuse to speak English, although they have a very good knowledge of the language. I have them enrolled in a French school in Los Angeles, but their grades are terrible, but they used to be perfect students back in Lyon. They are always fighting with their step-father and calling him horrible things when my husband does nothing but treat them nice. Now I find that they are getting very depressed. I can’t even get them to talk to me very much anymore. They say they are angry with me for bringing them here. I have no idea what to do. I can’t let them live with their father, but I was thinking of sending them to live with my sister in Paris or my mother in Lyon, but that does not solve their hatred for this country and the people here. I feel overwhelmed by this situation. I love my children, and I want them to live with me, but I don’t know how to fix this situation that I am in. My boys were perfect children, but now they have changed dramatically. Please help me!

Answer 1

Bonjour, and so sorry, how hard it must be. You have been through a lot of hardship, and your boys. Your question stated that your boys are anti american. But really you know that this is a symptom of a larger problem not about America. This is about your boys' grief which boys are not socialized to express or handle. Your boys were abused or witnessed abuse. They are suffering inside. They have split loyalties between you and their father. How terrible it must be for them to feel that torn. This points to the amount of denial your boys are in regarding the abuse. Kids love and idolize their parents and blame themselves often for the problems of the parents. This is a survival mechanism of the human. On top of this they are taken away from anything they felt they did have control over in their environment-their old schools and friends. Their way of life. Their language. Their culture. You cannot make them love America, or love your new husband. I think you all need family therapy (excluding your new husband for now) or maybe the school counselor can help. Ultimately, do not oppose them or give them Shoulds and musts" but join them in their sorrow, their pain, give them the words that they have been denying. Honor their reality. It is as real as yours. Not wrong. Just different. You are trying your best to give them a good life, I am sorry they don't have the emotional maturity to understand this. But actually, if they are behaving badly it is because they feel safe with you-an honor and a privilege, but very difficult. They are communicating their deepest and darkest pains with you in the only way they know how. Love them in and through this, and seek counseling for yourself if no one else will go. Love yourself for being courageous and the mother that is there for them when the father was being abusive. Good luck sister.

Answer 2

Oh you poor thing. Gosh, I was feeling sorry for myself because my 17 year old son has been being a rude nasty horrible person lately. We just had a huge fight over turning the music down. He doesn't want to go live with his father, but I halfway wish he did! It's becoming unbearable lately. But you have so much more to deal with than I do, I really feel for you. Gosh, teenagers (boys) can be so tough to deal with at this age, they are trying to push away from their mothers as nature intended, but that doesn't make life any easier just because we understand it. WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS that the time that is needed for your boys to get to know some nice Americans, and eventually change their minds that we are all bad, may be hard to come by. The 17 year old will stick to his opinion just to aggravate you at his age, which is too bad, because he'll be cheating himself from opening his mind and heart to some of the good people he could meet here. The 14 yr. old has more of a chance, if he doesn't let his big brother influence him unduly. Throw the poor step-father into the mix, and you are overwhelmed! TIME, PATIENCE, AND LOVE, is all the hope I can give you I DON"T think sending them back is a solution. They'll get nice girlfriends eventually that will help change their minds, plus get their minds off the stepfather, TIME will help. HANG IN THERE! There are plenty of Americans that agree with France's views on things...expose them to some of that part of our culture..........good luck

Answer 3

Wow, that must be very difficult. I would suggest this:
Send them to bording schools in France. They'll return to the US when school is over so that you can see them, and they'll be able to live in the country they love.
Other than that, perhaps sending them to live with your sister isn't a terrible idea. Doing well in school is certainly a good thing. And it's not good to be too depressed, either.
As far as whether they should like the US or not, I don't think you can make them do that... or that it's even your place to try. It's somewhat understandable that they don't like it here, the culture is very different from France, although it sounds like they're acting a little immature, too. I'm sure they'll eventually come to accept the US and your decision to marry your husband, it will take time. But whatever you do, good luck. : )

Answer 4

Your children are just angry at you for uprooting them from their home and moving. They don't really hate Americans or your new husband, both are just a good excuse to make you suffer and feel guilty. If you had moved somewhere else in France, they would hate it too. You have done everything you can to make the move easier for them and now you have to stop feeling guilty and be strong. Tell them they have no choice in the matter and they can like it or lump it, but it will remain the same. Stand firm and eventually they will adjust. Tell them that fighting with your husband is not acceptable and if they continue to be horrible to him, they will have to stay in their rooms until they can be nice and stick to it. They are playing you with a big guilt trip and you cannot fall into it. Don't even give them the option of going back to France. You have to be strong and I know it is hard, but lose the guilt............Good Luck.

Answer 5

Wow. They are at the age where they can be very difficult to reason with (Because they know so much more than you do), so I suggest that you tell them that they are living with you untill they are 18. They can either suck it up and make the best of it, and maybe have fun and enjoy thier time here or be miserable create havoc for themselves and you untill they go back to France, which I am assuming they are already throwing in your face. Good luck...I wish that your new beginning in America were off to a better start.

Answer 6

Candleint has said it perfectly..don't let them ruin your marrage, you still have the rest of your life to be happy. Let them go to your moms and come see you for a month during the summer, or you go see them..Right now there are 4 very unhappy people in your house..If your mom is willing send them. I also can't understand them wanting to live with an abusive father..It will be hard to let them go, but better for your family. you probably will never change their hatred of this country and I'm sorry for that, so let them go to Lyon everyone will be happier. Good luck.

Answer 7

Their problems go deeper than you may realize...send them to live with your mom or sister before they destroy you nad your new marriage. The apparently have their fathers warped sense of values and there is nothing you can do to change it. They will hopefully mature and realize they're wrong and correct this themselves. Why would they want to live with an abusive father? I think they may be trying to manipulate you in to returning to France...or trying to control your life. Don't let that happen. Send them back where they will be happy and safe, then have them come thru the summer to see you, or you go there

Answer 8

give it some more time. they are mad that they had to move from thier home where they knew everyone and had friends they could hang out with. it's not so uncommon for them to dislike americans, alot of french people do not like americans, as well as austrailians and much more. they are both young, and you should keep them here with you, maybe send them back to France each summer (in hopes they return in time for school) once they start making good friends, they won't be so mad anymore, especially when they meet girls..lol..kids here can be rude and tend to make fun of others for any reason possible, so they could be having a hard time with that. try to get them involved with after school activities like sports or drama classes....anything that they liked to do back home.

Answer 9

Sounds as if they are maybe in shock. They need to be informed that you are the parent and that they are not. Do they know about the abuse from their father? If not, they need to be informed. Do they care about you and your safety? Are they used to getting their way? Do you want them to live their lives learning to overcome obstacles and growing as individuals or taking the easy out of things all of the time? It is up to you and your new hubby. Those boys need discipline and tough love.

Answer 10

They have had major changes in their lives- hopefully in time things will get better and they will see not all americans are war happy- and make friends - there are jerks all over the world and kind people- your boys have been taught to hate- hopefully they will learn to like and love- counseling may help=D