14 yo stepson makes it clear that he will not give his teachers any notes I write to them! What would you do?

Question

I gave a notes for 14 yr old stepson to give to his teachers. Each day I asked “Did you give them the notes?” He would say he “forgot”. Finally 8 days later, with his father present, I asked him point blank if he planned to give the teachers the sealed notes I'd written. He said “No I don't.” His father asked him why he would do/say such a disrespectful thing and why did he not want us to communicate with is teachers. He ignored the question. His father then told him that he would not get the $50 he needed for a field trip to Medieval Times which he was looking forward to and not to ask for money from him other than for basic necessities until further notice. My husband RARELY disciplines his children in any way so I was shocked that he was stepping up for ONCE. Now, 1 week later, he is giving him money again (for ice cream at school and other non "basic" things). I think when the field trip deadline comes the son will also get his $50. What to do in this situation?

I've already figured out how to email his teachers and speak with them. My main problems are the fact that he refused to deliver the notes (he also doesn't have them so he most likely destroyed them). And his father's inconsistant reactions to his smart remarks and disrespectful behaviors (yes he has many, many others this is but one example).

Hey Everyone!! Read the "answer" (with more questions than answers) from the one named "Tauras" or something...is that level of ignorant parenting not down right SAD? If I didn't know any better I'd think my 14 yr old stepson has a female ID on yahoo answers and that's it! LMAO!

Answer 1

You should let your husband raise his child he should be communicating with the teachers not you. Make him be a parent don't do it for him.

Answer 2

You and your husband should both go up there and make sure the son knows you two are going to have a face to face conference. He'll know you mean business and next time he'll make sure to give the teacher the note. I think that's the only way to really solve the problem. It's sad when kids don't respect their parents enough to do what they are told but it's also sad you husband doesn't back you up and follow through with punishment. I'm not saying you should beat the boy but certainly withhold money for ice cream and stuff.
The boy doesn't respect you or authority. Imagine all of the notes the teacher sends home or phone messages you don't receive.
Sounds like a boot camp for the teen and a parenting class for daddy is in order here.

Answer 3

If family counseling is not acceptable to your husband I think I'd consider divorce. This boy is going to only get worse and worse. If he's already able to this boldy defy you and his father at age 14 I'd hate to see him in about 2 more years when he's 16 and bigger and stronger physically. I can see him whipping Dad's azz with that attitude. It sounds like this has been going on for a long time. You sound insightful and if the eyes in that icon are yours you can do much better than this situation. Your husband is unworthy of you, he can't even discipline a 14 yr old. It just sounds like one big no win headache after another. I say get a lawyer, get out of that no-win situation and get yourself a real man girl! Oh and I read Taurus what a twit. I reported her for abuse "not giving a question or an answer".

Answer 4

If I was you I would put on embarassing clothes with a tshirt with his picture on it, and at the breakfast table I would say, since you refuse to deliver the notes I will have to take you to school and speak to your teachers. Unless you would like to do it yourself??
Or when you go shopping forget his things, and say oh sorry I forgot, sorry.
But your biggest problem is your husband. You two have work as a single unit. He has to realize that now is the time to "train" the young man to be a responsibility grown up.

Answer 5

find out when he has each teacher. go to the school and ask to speak directly with each teacher while he's IN THE CLASS. if he didn't want to be embarrassed with the notes he'll be twice as embarrassed seeing you in his school/class talking with his teachers (since his friends also know you and know you are there because of him - oh the questions he'll be bombarded with)

then tell your husband he gets NO SEX, NO DINNER, NO NOTHING until he gets a grip on the situation. he can do everything for himself - cooking , cleaning , laundry , grocery store , etc. if he says anything about how he raises his kid and you aren't the mother then take his car keys so he can't go to work. get him where it counts - the pants and wallet.

Answer 6

Your husband needs to step up and be the disciplinarian. You can support him and back him up, but you can't be the main disciplinarian. Your stepson will only resent you. Stepson will only keep doing these rebellious things to test your husband and you to see where his boundaries are. This was just a test to see how much he can get away with. Talk to your husband in a calm manner, and point out to him that if he doesn't stick to what he says, stepson will only get worse and pretty soon the rebelliousness will become more severe. Good luck!

Answer 7

You stated the major problem in there, lack of discipline. I hate to say this but the kid probably needs his butt whooped. now dont just beat the crap out of him give him a swat, that will make him think. this may sound bad but some kids its the only way to get through.... he needs something and since his father wont enforce anything. I was raised with a leather belt, and i turned out ok. The same people that complain about child abuse are the same people that complain about undisciplined youth in the community. SHEEP thats what i call them.

Answer 8

Hand deliver them to the school yourself or call the school and leave a message with the clerk to pass along to the teacher. Not to be rude, but it sounds like your step son is ruling the roost. You and your husband need to set the rules and ENFORCE them if step son doesn't comply. He's just going to keep on and it's going to get worse. If your husband won't do what is necessary, you need to step in and insist.

Edit:
I edited this to say, and this WILL work - go to school with your step son this week. Hold the boys hand, walk up to the teacher, hand the teacher the message, say "I've asked him all week to do this for me and he refused". Make sure you do this in front of his peers. He will be so embarrassed that NEXT time you ask him to do something, he will do it!

Answer 9

Either cut them both off financially or e-mail the teacher directly with the situation and see what they as an educational professional have to say. Normally they can give you some of the best answers, and make sure to talk to step-dad with some backup (mutual friend) it will show him what he is doing is overriding what you are trying to instill

Answer 10

Why not communicate with the teacher by phone or email? Secret notes is a bit intimidating, and then to make him carry them. The punishment didn't fit the crime on this one.

Answer 11

How can you expect this stepchild to be respectful and obedient when his father has shown him he will get what he wants without behaving. You can't do much unless and until the father gets his act together and takes the role of parent seriously. He's where the real problem is.