Someone i love was sexually assaulted. I promised not to tell anyone, what can i do? I feel very confused.?

Question

I recently was told by this person that they were sexually assaulted by someone we both know. I made a promise before i was told that i would not say anything to anyone. I feel action needs to be taken, i cant let something like that happen and they get away with it. The victim wants to "forget about it" I dont think you can so easily. I love this person more than anything in the world, and wish for them to be ok and free of harm and troubles that can be caused by what has happened. What makes a person think its ok to not say anything and let it go?

The person is my ex-girlfriend.

She is very strong willed, a very tough person, a good quality among women, but not for something like this. We both have known the culprit for a long long time, many years, and was a pretty good friend to the both of us. I have always told her to never trust any guy but me, guys suck. I always told her to not put herself into situations where something bad could happen, and it was always shrugged off by saying oh he wouldnt do that, nothing would happen, he is nice, hes my friend. Now look what happens! I know she is not to blame, as the victim is never to blame for something like this. When she told me i nearly lost it, not yelling or anything, but i couldnt sit still i was so disgusted, and felt horrible that something like that actually happened to her, i didnt know what to say. Too many thoughts went through my head, i kept trying to convince her that something needs to be done. The problem is, this is the first time ive seen her in 6 months, and we dont get to talk often.

Answer 1

This person probably thinks it's ok not to say anythign and let it go because they are in a lot of pain, and would rather have it go away than have to face it. Also, many sexually assaulted people feel ashamed because they think it was thier fault, while of course it was not. They don't like people probing into thier personal lives and into them as well. This will not just go away though, if they don't tell someone and hopefully eventually face the perpatrator they will likely have it dwelling painfully within them until they die. If it is someone you both know, he/she may end up seeing that person again, which can cause alot more pain and such. Also, if they tell someone they can get the help they need, so that they can eventually move on so to speak. I would suggest you call your doctor and ask him/her who you should talk to, there are specialists in this topic and they can help you figure out what needs to be done. They can help your friend in a sensitive and calm way. So, call your doctor or a rape hotline or something to get a number to call. I don't know what else to say, other than of course be very sensitive around your friend and to help him/her as much as you can, and to either convince him/her to get help or get him/her help yourself (don't come across to strongly though if you are trying to convince him/her to get help, that might push them away). Whatever you choose, i wish you the best of luck!

-sarah

Answer 2

If you truly love her, you will get her help and ensure that she stays out of harm way. Someone needs to be told and action needs to be done, promises or no promise. Which would you rather have? Your ex girlfriend continually assaulted who will have a horrible future due to what has been done to her or a few broken promises on your end?! If you love someone, you do whatever it takes to keep them safe and you help them. I know you probably don't want to break your promise but I think it would be worth it considering the circumstances. You may think that you're helping her by not telling anyone and by keeping it inside but you're not only hurting yourself but you're hurting her MORE. Get her help and let others know what is going on so this can be PREVENTED. Whoever did this to her will hurt someone else. How would that make you feel to know that the people that did this to her are out doing it to other people, including children, when you could have made a few phone calls, a few trips and talked to people to prevent that from happening?! I want to wish you all the luck in the world. Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Answer 3

alright I'm all for this love and forgiveness stuff but here are a few facts. 1 after she told you it makes you an accessory to the rape (along the same lines as harboring a fugitive) 2. if you feel that you cannot go to anybody about it with out her finding out use a pay-phone and leave an anonymous tip about the assault, if nothing else you start the paperwork and you are clearing your own butt out of the firing line. 3rd if you want revenge you will be on your own she will not back up the story, she told you for a reason, maybe she thinks she's not strong enough to stand up to this person, maybe this person is a high-class rich kid, i don't know the whole story so that's the best i can do.

Answer 4

This person has placed an unfair and haevy burden on you by asking you to remain silent. For as long as we do this, we allow for this evil to flourish and to make us victims. By speaking out we turn ourselves into victors and make this very clear statement that we will not allow for this evil to enslave us and to make us prisoners of suffering and shame.
Tell your friend [very gently] that by keeping quiet she is actually empowering the perpetrator and he may just think that he can do this again and get away with it! If she speaks, she would do all women a favour by protecting us against this hideous thing.
She will not be viewed as the guilty one, but as a victor. she will then be able to overcome this within herself, given time. If anybody blames her, she should just reject it, fir some ignorant people still want to believe that women are to blame for this! We cannot allow people like that to define us and to enslave us.
You are so right - action needs to be taken and this person cannot get away with this.
Ask her if she would be willing to at least speak a therapist [a God-fearing one, I hope] who can help her to work through the trauma of this hurtful experience.
Do not push her, however, but keep on asking if she will not rather consider this way forward.
Thank you for being there for her, as it means a lot to her. Just love her and be there for her - for that is what she now needs the most. May God bless you for your kindness towards her!
I'll be praying for both of you.

Answer 5

If she is under 18, you need to report it to the police as well as her parents (unless they are the perpetrator) immediately. If she is over 18, you really need to respect her decisions. She has already been violated once and she doesn't need the violation of someone she trusts (you) going behind her back.

Here are some tips I pulled off the 'net:

"Be supportive. Let her know that you care about her, that you believe her, and that she is not alone.
Encourage her to express her feelings about what has happened to her.
Be interested and empathic without prying or pressing for details.
Try not to criticize or judge.
Respect her decisions about what she wants: who to tell, whether or not to report to the police, what makes her feel safe, etc.
If you are a man, be aware that her reaction to you may be complicated; she may want affection, or she may have generalized fears of all men.
Try not to express your own feelings of anger or helplessness to her, or to project them onto her. Talk about these feelings with another friend or professional counselor."

There are quite a lot of resources out there for both people who have been sexually assaulted as well as for their friends and family. So please do a little research online, it will help you to feel less overwhelmed.

If you are really feeling that you must share your thoughts and feelings with someone, you can call your local rape crisis centre for advice and they are 100% confidential.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

It sounds like you need someone with experience in this matter to talk to. You can start by calling the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network at 1-800-656-HOPE. This person might be afraid of what people will say to them, or that this mutual acquaintance might come back and seek revenge. This phone number is confidential, and they can give you good information on how to help your friend. Also, encourage your friend to speak to a doctor about this. Not only is it important that she is physically ok, but that she is emotionally and mentally ok. Hope this helps

Answer 7

Honestly, it's not your decision to make! The person told you in secrecy, and that's where you need to leave it!

NOW, if you feel differently about it, and you feel STRONGLY about it, you can talk to the person, and perhaps change their mind... BUT IT'S STILL NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE!!!! If you consider yourself their friend, and I assume you do, since you "love this person more than anything in the world, and wish for them to be ok and free of harm and troubles that can be caused by what has happened" (YOUR WORDS)... WHY WOULD YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO GO AGAINST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO?!?!?!?!?!?

If you really care, try to talk to them calmly, NOT ANGRILY, and let them know in your own way that you think it is important to take action regarding this.... IT'S STILL THEIR DECISION!!!!

I understand that this is important to you, but can you see how it may be important to them?!?!?!?!?!?

Answer 8

It probably did cause some trauma in your life plus your Dad hitting you. I'm sorry that it happened that way, I advise you get to a counsellor at school or at home and talk through what happened to you and your problems. They should be able to guide you and build up your confidence. Not all men are like that. Trust me. My boyfriend waited 2 years until I was ready to do anything, there are nice men around :)

Answer 9

They probably don't think it's OK. They probably hate the fact that this person is getting away with it. But, they might also be too embarassed to do anything about it or they might have some sort of relationship with the abuser. Or, maybe they just need some support. I would encourage him or her to do something about it.

Answer 10

In my life's experiances,it occurs to me,that in this type of a
situation,that more than two people are involved.
Best to find out about the 3rd party before getting any more into
that situation.