My gf recently had an abortion - she didn't tell me, I found out as I had access to her email. What do I do?

Question

My girlfriend and I work together. 3 months ago she went back home to the UK for a month. About 2 weeks after she got back she found out she was pregnant - she didn't tell me and distanced herself from me, although various things she said started to add up. I asked her on several occasions why she was going to to a women's clinic, she said she just needed to have tests done (smear, etc). I even asked if she had an abortion, she burst out laughing and said no way. She kept getting more and more distant and we are basically no longer together, she claims it is because I lost interest. Last week while she was on holidays she asked me to log into her email to forward something to another colleague – based on my state of mind I decided to have a look, and it didn’t take long to confirm that she had an abortion. So what do I do know that I have found out by abusing her privacy? Also I’m not sure if the baby was mine or from something that happened in the UK. I really need to know.

Answer 1

I think she may have wanted to get caught if she had you email something for her from an account that she knew had information about the abortion in it. I would email her and tell her what you found, that way you won't be yelling at her or slinging accusations. Keep it simple, don't make accusations. Just tell her that you know about the abortion and that you are upset that she lied to you. See how she responds before you ask her anything more in depth. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Thanks for all the replies guys - I've logged in under another name to add some more info (apologies if this is against protocol). It may help if I add some timelines.

Girlfriend away - 1st Sept through to 1st October
Discovers pregnancy - around 11th October - so between 2 and 6 weeks after she got to the UK.
Aborts Pregnancy - 27th October (I month ago today)
I found out - 23rd November.

I'm not trying to shirk responsibility - if it was mine then I would have done whatever was required - I agree it is ultimately her choice so if she wanted to terminate the pregnancy I would have supported her 100%. The strange thing is out of no-where she used to blurt out "I want a baby!" She is almost 30 and told me she wanted to have a family sooner rather than later.

I agree that it wasn't the right thing to check her email, however my state of mind got the better of me - not trying to justify what I did was right though. Also I mentioned that she has basically called things off between us.

Answer 3

Wow. Invading her privacy was a terrible thing to do.

And yet- so was having an abortion without telling you (though I hope you have some compassion- what a nightmare for her). The baby had to have been yours if she was only there for two weeks.

Only you can determine in your heart what the is the right move from here. Whatever path you choose will be hard.

Answer 4

Being that I believe in pro-life and at the same time, pro-choice, this is a hard one to answer. Of course, she should have told you that she was pregnant, whether or not it was yours, but when it all comes down to it, it's her body and her choice. If she would have told you and you told her not to get an abortion, she would have anyways. When you go to an abortion clinic, they ask the woman if she knows who the father is, and all she would have to do is say no and then the father doesn't have to consent to the abortion. As far as I can see, just accept the fact that what's done is done and you can't change that.

Answer 5

There is not anything you can do now its all to late
& you are not together now but whats the point of asking her
because she didn't tell you about it so how can you believe any thing she says she could make up any rubbish!!
I know you will be feeling sad & grieving the loss of your baby & wondering if it was yours
but maybe just move on is the best thing to do
take care

Answer 6

it probably was someone from the UK and i dont think her asking you to use her email was a slip up she wanted you to find out without having to tell you or she's faking it and put the email there knowing you would go snooping if she cheated and got prego and aborted the baby not knowing if it was yours or the guys dump her she didnt consider your feelings about the situation at all

Answer 7

you said she went to UK for a month and after 2 weeks she had an abortion isnt it, well if something had happend in UK she couldnot have possibly known tht within 2 months, it takes atlest 2 months to know tht ur pregnent, so it must be ur child
i dont know why she didnt tell u, she even might have told u to check her mail so tht u'll know, she obiviosly knew tht if u check her mail u'll know abt it, so she did tht on purpose
you go and ask her directly i think tht was ur child, she might have known about it when she was here only and when she went home someone might have advised her to go 4 abortion so she didnt tell you

Answer 8

I would confront her about it. Straight up. For something so serious of course you have a right to know. Maybe she forgot to delete the emails, maybe not. But laughing when you asked her says it all. Don't you think. Good Luck !

Answer 9

You guys have a lot of honesty and trust issues on both sides. If it was me, I'd cut my losses and break up, hold out for someone who doesn't present these problems. When I stopped trying to make bad relationships work, my life got a whole lot better.

Answer 10

Try by giving her first some space and then later move on to give her some support. Consol her in any way you can and be gentle, this is a very difficult situation for any woman. Basically be understanding and supportive.