I need an outside perception on my married daughter/my relationship?

Question

I have a beautufl 28 yr. old married daughter w/ 2 beautiful grand children, that I cherish so much. My dilemna: My son in law is very self centered and controling, he tells my daughter things like it costs him $37 a night for her to live there and when she spends the night w/ me and my husband it is throwing money down the drain, that is one of many examples of why I say he is self centered and controling...agree so far? I made a big mistake and told my daughter how I feel about him, she became defensive and told me I am depressed and trying to break up their marriage! She now only calls when she needs me to child sit which is only about 2 times a month. She has her father in law and brother at their home constantly. This Thanksgiving I was hoping to have her family here for dinner but no, she made plans w/ them like has been going on for years. When I told her how hurt this makes me...she told me I am jealous. I am so distraught. any suggestions...thoughts? thanks

Thanks for the answers so far: For 4 years we did go to her home and or altered the holidays and had dinners w/ his father..apples don't fall far from tree...in fact his father is more than I can stomach and we stopped that last year. We have had so many invites for son in law here but he either refuses to come or when was here, is quiet and looks mad ;(
I did email an apology to my daughter and then we tried to have a convo face to face and she continues to telll me I am depressed, jealous, and she just can't deal w/ me! She also told me because I have fibromyalgia, I want her to feel sorry for me..it hurts, she has turned into her husband! Thanks for any and all thoughts...I am so distraught...I need to hear other's opinions than my friends so they are not just one sided. Thanks and Bless you all

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear this. Your daughter should not treat you this way. I believe she is blinded by her feelings for her husband that's why she is one sided.

She knows deep inside her where she stands and how her husband feels and she knows it is wrong ! but she would rather defend her husband rather than her own mother because of her "blind one sided love".

Your daughter loves you but she sucks... ( I'm sorry ) she doesn't know how hurt a mother feels when feeling abandoned by her own child.. don't worry because your dauther will feel it if her own dauther will do it to her.

I'll pray that God will give you enough courage to hold on to love your daugther despite what she had done and i hope she will realised that what is she doing is wrong.

Answer 2

I believe you are right about self centered and controlling, but knowing how you feel gives her reason to keep the two of you separate. Is there any way you can swallow your pride and while knowing you're right, tell them you were wrong (having experienced the outcome and not liking it one bit).... for the sake of spending more time with your grandchildren, who probably miss you as much as you miss them.

Whether she's at home or out .. likewise for the husband, the cost of the home stays the same ... what the hell is he thinking except to attempt to sound rational while excersizing control and being possessive!!! However, it can't come from you and have a good effect on the relationship you share together, I fear. It has to be first realized by your daughter who is in the position to demand the change in his behaviour. Perhaps you can somehow get a friend of hers to jeopardize their relationship and give your daughters head a shake about it, but as you see ... it has caused you grief.

I also fear that she is attempting to reflect their own feelings about certain things back at you ... like the jealosy .. why would you not wish to spend time with family? The husband is the jealous and possessive one ... But what concerns me the most is the comment about your illness .. which of them is most likely inconsiderate about that? Does it seem to effect either of them when you're together? That could be an aggravating factor, and it sucks for sure!

Answer 3

I think that she knows her relationship is not the best and that's why she acted as she did when you told her. Try to call her and explain to her that you love her and you're sorry for what you said. Tell her that you will stay out of her relationship unless otherwise asked. I think you should also ask her if there is anyway the both families can get together for the next holiday or even have to separate get togethers. Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

Apologize to her. Say you didn't mean what you said (even though you did).
Try asking her and her husband over for a Sunday dinner, or a Sat. night to play cards ao something.
Main thing is invite him also. And do your best to be nice to him. Don't overdo it to the point where it looks phoney.
Good Luck