Do you think that stepmothers should be entitled to discipline stepkids ?

Question

I have 2 stepdaughters and a son - and I find it hard to be their main disciplinarian... not because my husband does not let me, but because I keep thinking I would hate to see my son in those shoes...
My stepdaughters are great girls, we get along great, and I do teach them right from wrong... but when more serious things happen, I go to my husband... and he does the same when it comes to my son...
We do not spank - so you know - so that problem does not exist...
I have been criticized because of my position a few times, but I do not feel that I should change if it works for us...
If my husband were to die and the kids were to stay with me, it would be different... but with their father around, I think we should discuss all matters together (as we do) and apply the actions on our own kids.

Answer 1

Sounds like you answered your own question. I had 3 step children, 2 children from a prevous, and one with second hubby so I had 6 children to deal with. I wanted my husband (now ex) to disipline mine, but it seems when I had to disipline his they would run to their mom with all kinds of lies which she would jump on my husband then he would jump on me, it was just a big mess. So it got to the point I told him not to disipline mine and I wouldn't disipline his and we'd discuss ours. His children were constantly causing problems because if they got mad at their dad they would go run back to their mom and although she got custody of them she turned them over to us about two months into her new marriage because her new husband didn't want them around. My husband would never go get court orders to have permanent custody so it was always something at our house. I didn't divorce him over it but came close. We divorced after ours turned 18 because he was just too controlling and I had enough of it.

Anyway it sounds like what you have going on is working for you and keeping the fights down between you and him so if it works then don't fix it.

Answer 2

I would be careful with this. At this age, it will be hard to accept punishment from a step-parent because they see that they only have two parents. Mom and Dad. If you need to punish a step-child, it should be discussed with the mother at the first opprotunity given to find the right punishment the child should get, once coming to an agreement, you both should confront the child together so that the children see you both as a unified front. I don't think the children should be allowed to run all over you, so if you're having problems and unabel to talk to the mother because she's not there and the kids have been left in your care, then I would send them into their room for a while, and then calmly ask them to sit down and have a talk. Explain why you sent them to their room and how what they did upset you. Give them a chance to apologize and then speak to their mother about it, informing her of it. Let her talk to them about it, but enforcing another punishment, unless they did something really really bad, is not the thing to do. They were already punished. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 3

I think it depends on how old the girls are-and how invovled their birth mother is...they need a womans perspective and gentle discipline in their lives...depending on the girls relationship to you, the system you have now might actually work better-(the natural parent handeling the more serious punishment)
I think this is an important issue, but could go in many directions...I think the most important thing is that all of the adults keep in good communication and on the same page--and don't forget to be sure all the children know how much you love them!! (even if they are not your natural birth children)
good luck :)

Answer 4

I think it depends on the situation. I have been in the step-mom position twice and it had to be handled differently both times. If you are the parent that is with the children the most, then I feel you need to have some sort of authority, on the small, everyday stuff. But when it comes to the big issues, I think parents, biological or step should discuss things in Private and then talk to the children.

Answer 5

I think it is important that as a part of this family you have a say as well. Proper discipline (as you referred to no spanking) is important for children and adolescents - everyone has friends but a child needs the firm guidance of his/her family, which incidentally, you are a part of. Of course, you should use your discretion, and perhaps only intercede when you feel it necessary so as not to put yourself into the "bad stepmother" role. But when done occasionally, I think it may be an important contribution. There are however extenuating factors to consider - how long have you been married and involved in their lives is one important element. Use your judgment, have your say (step in and discipline when needed), and balance your behavior so as not too appear too meddling...I am sure with time, the answers to this will appear clearer... good luck!

Answer 6

I say yes because i have two myself, we don't spank but we punish and take away things from them.
my 16 yr old stepdaughter thinks that she should not have to anything around the house so we took away her cable box. and she want allowance but right now she does not get any because she mouth off alot so we find ways to discipline her and so far it is working.
but i am kinda like you like you i will run to her father first and then punish later just so he knows what is going on and he does the same with me.
as long as they are under your roof you have the right to discipline, and punish as you see fit and your husband should be on the same page as you. because if something should happen god for bid you are going to be held responsible. so do what you have to, to make sure that they know that your are the boss and should be respected.

Answer 7

Yes, you need to be able to correct them, but he needs to be their main disciplinarian. If you cannot make them mind you or get support from him, they will run over you. I have the same issue with step kids, older, but still an issue.

They sneak around and plan, and have ran their grandmother off who was staying with us. My wife cannot see that they are doing wrong, even when her mother tells her what they are doing.

Its a catch 22. You don't get between a mother and her kids, or a dad and his kids if your the new kids on the block. You either talk thru it and get on common ground, or wait until they do something that will call attention to their actions from your husband.

Answer 8

I think your way of handling things is fine. It seems to work for your family and that is the important part. I am a single mom and I know I would like to be consulted if someone were to discipline my daughter and yet sometimes discipline must be handed out immediately. I think as long as you and your husband discuss how you want things handled it should work out fine.

Answer 9

Depends. I think the natural parent should be the one to discipline their children. It is important to nurture the bond between the step-parent and step-children. Getting this stuff into the mix will only complicate this. They do not have the same history and it could cause resentment not only from the children but the other parent.
If the step-parent has raised the child since birth, the natural parent dies and only the step-parent is left--those situations would change the issue.
I don't believe in spanking either and I have had no problems so far. I believe in giving my children respect and in turn they give me theirs. They are human being deserving the respect and dignity that we give to adults. (Would anyone hit another adult?) If children are taught to control their anger (not hitting) and solve problems in a rational manner then they should grow up to do the same. For those who dosagree...
(at ages where they can not reason then they hardly get the reasoning behind a spanking--they simply know you are bigger and can hit them. try positive reinforcement.)

I

Answer 10

Of course they should. Anyone who has children in their care should be allowed to discipline them. But, if you're not spanking them, don't expect miracles. Every child I've seen who's mother refused to spank, turned out to be a real brat. If you love the children, you'll show them with a tap, not to injure them, but just enough to show them who's boss and to let them know what their limits are.