what to do about mother in law?

Question

Future mother in law has always disrespected her son. She knew his step father was abusing him, but she made my bf out to be a liar to everyone back then. Today, she is the most manipulative and controlling woman I know! Since she has never given him respect, she NOW disrespects the whole family. He has complained to her about it. She kept doing it. So I wrote her a long and PoLiTe letter. I didnt say one mean word to her in the last two years or the letter. I asked her to please respect our decisions as parents and brought up boundary lines, and to please explain her side, so we could understand her. She wouldnt write back. Now she is telling everyone she is afraid to come over and see her four month old grand daughter, because she fears what I might do to her. AS IF! One example: At my boyfriends mothers birthday party, We said to her we did not want anyone who had been drinking to hold our baby. What does she do? She passes my baby to her uncle, who was clearly drunk! what to do?

See, I also had a son before I started dating my current boyfriend. She goes around and trashes me and my son to my BF over the pettiest things! She told him, "dont tell samantha this, it would really piss her off, but....." So he told me. I was mad. He called her. Said "your right mom, it pissed her off." She said "I dont understand? what did I do? what did I say?" Ha! She knows what she said. My BF and I get along GREAT, but she tells him "I dont know about her, I dont know what you should do." Why doesn't she like me? I'll tell ya: she had mind control on her son. she manipulated him. I met him and taught him "your 26, your allowed to live your own life not the one your mom wants you to." He listened to me and began breaking the control she had on his every decisions. Shes mad cause he wants to go to college now and not live the factory life like her! So guess what she did? she talked to him about not going to college and gave him a magazine article on procrastination! geeeesh!

Oh, btw, I did go up and grab my daughter from her drunk uncles arms. She was like "It's okay, she'll be fine." But I said "I dont feel comfortable" and took her. She's got so many people believing I am mean to her! I even wrote her a thankyou card once to try and win her over that way. It was such a sweet note, she cried in the parking lot reading it, and then, ewww, hugged me. She still over-runs everything we do. Last monday, she manipulated my bf to be mad at me for being mad at her, when he was mad at her for the same reasons and still is! she is evil. I dont want to cut off ties to that family, cause I will be to blame. All I want is respect. I asked for it in that letter. she didn't write back for a month, but then wrote back as if nothing had happened and she did no wrong, and wrote nicely about me, and the whole time I knew she was up there spreading evil lies about me.

Answer 1

what to do??? have nothing to do with her she clearly isnt a good role model for your daughter anyway!!!

Answer 2

It sounds as if you have taken the high road all along which is the correct thing to do. Obviously, you have your husband and his feelings to worry about along with that of the mother in law. However, you, he and your baby are a family now and need to be put first. Do not let her affect your relationship with him. Maybe invite her over one day and the three of you have a heart to heart sit down- Everone honest- even if she doesnt like what she hears- at least it will be out on the table and the conversation opened. You can start by telling her you would love to establish a relationship with her but things need to be forgiven and cleared up before that can happen. It is possible she will never admit herwrong doings, but maybe she will think about them later and change her ways some. If not, then live your lives to the fullest and know you did all you could. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Your BOYFRIEND needs to set boundaries and consequences that are clear and ones he enforces. This is his mother and therefore it is his problem to handle directly. If you intercede then YOU will be the evil one who is 'forcing' her son to side with you. I can guarantee this. It is part of the maturation process of becoming an adult that one may have to pull back from one's family to establish a clear identity of one's own and to adhere to one's values. Your boyfriend needs to do this.

I think your boyfriend should have a talk with his mother with at least one other witness present. He needs to lay out boundaries and consequences, such as "No one may hold our baby who has been drinking. Period." Make it clear that if she gives the baby to a drinking person, that your boyfriend will take the baby away from that person and leave the premises immediately. And the next family party you three will either not attend or you will have to get a babysitter for the baby.

I strongly urge you to nip this behavior in the bud now by trying to enforce consequences to modify her behavior or by removing yourselves from her presence. If you do not do this NOW, you will greatly regret it later on. Good luck.

Answer 4

Watch Monster-In-Law. ;) No seriously, just let her live in her fantasy world and get on with your and your b/f's life. Just let her know that she is welcome anytime and leave it at that. You and your b/f' need to concentrate on your family now. I know it will not be easy for him, but you sound like a caring and supportive g/f. If she ever passes the baby to someone who is drunk again, just politely go up and take the baby out of the persons arms and say something like, "she needs a nappy change". Your first priority now is your b/f and daughter, NOT your mother-in-Law. You and your b/f have to stand your ground and let her know that you are people who know what they are doing.

Answer 5

Your husband needs to cover this, he needs to have a serious face to face talk with her. There are some really good books on boundaries, she needs consequences for her negative actions as she feels she can do whatever she wants. You need to be specific if you do this..... then this will happen and mean it!

Below are two books that are excellent in this subject area. You and your husband need to present a united front for the good of your family.

Answer 6

Stay away and don't have any contact at all with them.
it is the best for your daughter they don't see her anymore.
They will only cause problems between the two of you and later with your daughter.