I have an aged mother?

Question

who has always been very controlling. She used mind gamnes on my father who died ten years ago and has always tried the same with me. She has a cruel tongue in her head and is responsible for me suffering low self esteem. Comments like I am a fool, compares me to opther daughters of other people in complex she lives on unfavourably etc etc. This morning I suffered yet another mental bashing.....I was told I don't come to see her enough when have been four times this last week.....pointed this out......got told it was only short visits....average was one hour.......I actually feel like she is making me mentally ill. I am standing up to her.....but the guilt comes home to roost. I was an only child and an adopted child. Seems to me like I have to always be aware of pay back .......I never measured up...was not clever enough, pretty enough......yet she wants to control and when she does not get her own way is vile in her verbal attacks. she is now 92

Answer 1

I have dealt with a similar situation, and I know this hurts you. First of all, even though this is easier said than done, do not take her comments to heart. They simply aren't true, and these comments have already damaged you emotionally. Secondly, if you haven't already done so, seek counseling. This should help you to keep things in perspective, and to help you know that your mother's hurtful comments do not define who you are. If you still feel rotten, you could choose just not to see her anymore. This is a tough decision, I know. She is 92, and probably won't be around too many more years. Of course this does not mean you have to take her abuse and do whatever she says. Talk to a counselor. He/she can help you decide what is best for you. Good luck, and remember. . . your mother's comments are rubbish. You know your own heart.

Answer 2

I think you do have to stand up to her a little bit. People are saying well she wont live long etc, but she might, she might live to over 100.... meaning you would have 8 more years or more of verbal abuse!

Realise that probably most of what she says is not true. Don't feel guilty. It was her choice to adopt you and she should love you and should have loved you in the past just as you are - doesnt matter how pretty or clever you are or arent. You sound a sensitive person and i understand how hard it must be, but maybe every time she says something horrible you end the visit giving her the reason she will start holding her tongue and being more pleasant.

Just because someone is old doesnt give them a reason to be rude and nasty.

My father died last year aged nearly 92 but when he was horrible we told him!

All the best - take care of yourself - you sound like a good daughter to me! So many people never visit their olds.

Answer 3

you know honey, she can only control you because you keep going back for more, try staying away, you owe her nothing, she chose you and you probably had no say in the matter. You can choose not to visit, it's my guess that whatever you do or have done is never good enough for HER, so why keep trying? and if she phones you to be horrid, put the phone down, it's easy, tell her she needs to be nicer or she won't see you. I know where you are coming from, If I won the lottery and gave my mother a million pounds it would be a hundred pounds less than she wanted, sometimes you have to accept that no matter what you do it will never be good enough, so let go, and move on, I did and my life is better, I do keep in touch when I want to and I hurt less. it's your choice.

Answer 4

Try to remember that at 92 she is not at her full mental capacity. I realize you said she's always been this way, but sometimes as people get older they get meaner but not intentionally. She probably doesn't remember that well, either. Continue to do your short visits as to not destroy your own emotions and try to let her comments go. I know it's very difficult but she won't be here much longer so try to deal with her while she's still here. You will have no regrets when she's gone as you've been a loyal, loving daughter. Sometimes we have to give ourselves the things we wish others could give us.

Answer 5

She does not deserve you. Get a therapist to work through the guilt. ONLY see her on your terms. Don't show up for a month. Then when you do if she steps out of line at all, leave. Say nothing, pick up your handbag and leave. Bullies will only walk on people they think they can get away with it.

I had this happen and when she said, you are a stupid idiot. I said, yeah, no I'm not. I think I'm pretty awesome and talented and there is nothing you can say that will change it. I said this really calm. And if she keeps on, I say nope, and I'm not listening to your toxic mouth anymore and LEAVE.

Answer 6

You need to do what you can live with. At 92 she is not going to change. I would visit just because the guilt of not visiting would be unbearable. When she is gone you will feel this. This is my personal experience.

Answer 7

Its going to be very hard but bite your tongue. At 92 shes not got long left. you ll feel better for it when shes gone. you have all the control here remember that. Smile sweetly and agree with everyting she says she wont like that, then curse her all you want when you get out of earshot.

Answer 8

The next time she is unpleasant during one of your visits, tell her it is time for you to go, and leave. Say, "I love you" when you walk out the door. Let her know you don't appreciate it when she belittles you, and that such behavior will curtail your visit. Be consistent. There may come a day when she will actually enjoy your company!

She is probably lonely and fearful of losing her independence at her advanced age.

Answer 9

she is so unfair to you but remember shes 92 and cant annoy you much longer hang in there and then you can hold your head up high have no regrets at times they are like children you couldnt reason with them remember she toook you you didnt ask to be taken into her family .i wish you the very best ,dont let it get to you it could make you very ill

Answer 10

Visit her once a week and stick to it.

Some people are natrually cruel and need taught a lesson in how good they actually have it.