Bipolar people: How do you change when the people who are asking this of you refuse to do the same?

Question

....I would prefer that this question be answered only by someone who has the personal experience with a mental illness like bipolar disorder. (including survivors, their family members, lovers etc. )...
My family says you have a problem you need to change. Don't worry about how we treat to you because if you change then you have that and that's all that matters. I say I am well aware that i have a problem, I am reaching out to you and telling you it's a problem I cannot handle alone, all I ask is that you recognize it and be more symphathetic. Don't just tell me I have a problem, Guide me through it. Help me better understand it and let me know what the limitations of my behavior are. they say you can't lash out at us and expect us help you,I lash out based on prior attempts to ask for help and being rejected therfore I am bitter towards my family and consider just leaving instead of trying. the people who shouldn't give up on me have and now i am full of resent. how do I change?

Specific example: my mother sees me being depressed, I cant get out of bed and can't really gather enough energy to do the work I need to do. She looks at me and without any thought says to me Is this what you're going to do with the rest of your life, that's sad that you want to be so pathetic.......

So the next time my mother opens her mouth to say anything to me I say I don't want to hear it. Just leave me alone because whatever you have to say is something I have already yelled at myself at and just stop criticizing me. ( of course I may be yelling or crying and not say it as nicely as it looks written)

Also they say that they understand I am bipolar but I need to move past it, I say if you understood it you wouldn't insult me for not being able to get out of bed, or crying over nothing, you would just understand when i say i cannot think, i cant move you may not want me to be like that but you won't call me pathetic for being like that.

Answer 1

What a great question! You have a way with words as you describe the situation that you're facing so well. I couldn't have done it better myself.

I'm 26 yrs old and have been diagnosed with BPII/BPD and have have major substance abuse problems.

I can completely relate as I've been struggling with the same issue with my father and I appreciate you sharing this with us.

It's difficult to have other people see you while you're dysphoric and at your weakest. This is a time where you expect compassion and when you're parents don't only fail your expectations, but go completely against them, it can be very hurtful.

When things blew up with me, I got my a$$ handed to me by my folkes, because my behavior was simply wearing them out. With the drugs, the police, the hospital visits, I was becomming a huge source of stress and anxiety for them. They never took the time to understand. That made things a lot worse for me, I was sad to be in the house, but didn't have any where else to go at the time.

I knew I needed help and I didn't want to be complacent, so I reserached treatment options myself, they wouldn't lift a finger. The dynamic in the house was as if everyone was walking on eggshells. It was very uncomfortable. I was very hurt that I couldn't get the support I needed and built a very strong resentment towards them, I was ready to write them off.

The emotional pain and quality of living was getting worse, so I had to do something. I reconnected with my Psychiatrist, got my meds straitened out and began attending Pyschotherapy, support groups and getting support from people outside my family. For the last three months, I've worked really hard in regaining stregth and my sense of self and it's done wonders for me.

Just recently, my father was talking to me about his best friends daughter, who is suffering with mental disorders and receiving therapy. He went on to say, that she was extremely needy and fucI(ed in the head - which was his way of taking a shot at me, as he is fully aware I'm going through the same thing. Next, he talked about quitting smoking and I told him about Zyban, he said that his mind is strong enough to quit addiction without meds - ohhhhh another shot to your son who is in recovery, taking meds no less. A few months ago, I would have left the room in a fit or put him in his place right then and there.

Since I leveled my moods out and get support outside the house, I was feeling really good about myself and sat there calm and collected. I thought about how I was going to respond, I know that he's old school, he didn't grow up in the information age, he thinks psychiatry is a pseudo science and associates looks at it with the stereotypical stigma attached to it. I also thought that this was his house and I'm not going to lash out and cause any trouble. That was the last thing I needed amongst the scheme of things.

I responded quite calmly, "Why do you think she's needy? Do you think she's faking it or that she's using it as an excuse for attention?" He didn't respond with any logical type of answer and changed the subject, but I stuck with it. Then I asked him, "I'm under intensive psychotherapy right now and take meds and it's helped me a great deal. Do you think I'm needy as well?" He said no, he actually said he noticed a difference in my behaviors and he was proud of me and knew that I was working hard to get better.

I think he feels really guilty inside for going off on me. I think deep down inside he was scared and didn't know how to deal with me. I think my parents paniced and saw flaws in me that live inside them and their natural defense mechanism is to take it out on me. It's the age old habit of self loathing.

I'm still not over it and he knows that and I can see it in his eyes that he was sorry about what he's done, but he's never actually apologized. He began to open up to me and started talking about some things that were bothering him and how he could quit smoking. He started to get restless and when I wasn't paying attention, left the room.

I'm still not ready to forgive him, but now, when we are in the same room, he no longer looks at me as someone whose weak and crippled with a disease, wrather someone whose strong and has the tenacity to survive through difficult and painful times.

I'm not too concerned about the dynamic in the house, I can deal with it now. I found my strength outside my house and outside the family. Hopefully one day, we'll get along much better, but either way I'll still stay strong.

I hope this helps and gives you some perspective and that you find the strength you need to deal.

I do see experienced pros, but sometimes if you're not sure where to start, anonymous support groups are great. You can build a lot of stength from these groups, you'll be surprised.

Here's a good online group; http://www.findthelight.net

And for a regular local support group visit: http://www.dbsalliance.org

Good luck

Answer 2

Well for starters, you mother should not ever talk to you that way. I do understand though as I am bipolar and my mother is also bipolar. I went on with this illness for a year before I knew that she had it and all of a sudden I realized why she was talking to me so horribly it's because two bipolar people put together have a horrible time trying to get along. You might want to consider if your mother may have it too. I know for me and my mom, when I'm up, she's down and vice versa. It's makes for a horrible relationship. Thankfully I do not have to live at home. You might want to print out some material for your mom to read and make sure that she understands how bad this condition can be. If you are seeking therapy of any sort, you might want to let her go into the docs office with you on your next visit. I can't really offer much more than that, sorry. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I am 23 & bipolar. It has been a very long journey.It seems pretty clear to me that if you are not on any medication, then you need to check out your options and if you are, then your doctor needs to make some adjustments. It has taken a while for my doctor and I to get it right, but finally we have. You don't have to feel the way you do. Communication is key when you are bipolar. When you aren't bipolar it's really hard to understand how we feel, so we have to constantly tell people how feel. They might not always fully understand, but sometimes they can help you through, and I know you don't want to hear it but you do need to make some changes and nobody can do it but you. Of course it helps to have people understand, but even if not everyone understands that doesn't mean you should just leave. Try communication, medication, and some therapy. Please email and let me know about your progress.

Answer 4

Being bipolar presents you with challenges that non-bp's have trouble comprehending. It is a medical condition (a potentially terminal one at that..the suicide rate is somewhere between 10-20%..which is scary) and really needs to be treated as such. It takes dedication to getting better- getting the help you need, taking medication regularly, getting back up (eventually) no matter how many times life or this illness knocks you down. You have to want to help yourself. Bipolar can't be cured, but it can be managed.
Your family does not seem to actually understand what bipolar disorder is or they would be more understanding of your symptoms. It would be helpful for them to educate themselves, but most important, you need to educate yourself so you can understand what's going on with you.
Sometimes getting out of bed is too overwhelming, let alone facing the whole day. The depression part is truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Here's some links for some of the best bipolar resources I have found.

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/bipolar/index.asp

http://www.dbsalliance.org/

http://www.harbor-of-refuge.org/

http://www.nami.org/

Answer 5

I feel the exact same way. My husband and family just criticize me for my problems and yell at me. That is not what I need. I need understanding and support. If I act a little out of hand, I don't really mean to, but I don't need anyone up in my face screaming, " I can't deal with your problems. You need help, you are just a B****. " Instead I need love, support, understanding. It's hard to deal with this condition alone and that is what I'm doing. I like to refer to bipolar as a serious medical problem, just like cancer. It can even be deadly without the proper medication, which is love and understanding. If I had cancer, no one would be yelling to me ," just change, forget about your cancer, quit whining about your problems and grow up." No , because people don't see the deadly effects of being bipolar. Society needs to grow up a bit, not be so naive and realize people are different, some people have problems, and people need to have more patience with us. I ask them to change a little bit by having more patience with me and they cannot do it. They think they are perfect just the way they are. If they won't change, why should I? I'm seeking therapy now to try to change but if my husband don't try to change then he's gone. I need someone to love and understand me and not criticize me when I'm having a bipolar mood swing. You have to realize though that we are much stronger then the average person. To have to deal with a lifelong problem takes a lot of courage and strength.

Answer 6

Thing is I had the same issue, it seems that they want to refuse help because to know that you have something as ground breaking as manic depression can be kinda hard on someone and they just don't want to believe it. Also it could be that your friend knows that he is bi-polar but thinks and wants to deal and cure himself, which in all honesty never seems to work. So if anything give him a reality check, you have been down the road of manic depression so you can tell him how it is if you have been down it longer than he has and tell him what exactly isn't all that enjoyable, or trick him into going somewhere for help.

Answer 7

I understand 100% about what your going through. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 5 years ago. I used to be the most loved one in the family until I found out about it and when I started getting depressed and having my mood swings it's like I wasn't part of the family anymore. I asked them why if they love my that they treat me this way and they said that it's because I choose to feel depressed and that I act like that just to get attention and that made me even more depressed. About 2 years ago I started to go to therapy on a regular basis and I told her about what my family said and now sometimes my family goes to therapy with me so they can understand what bipolar people go through and what they have to deal with. I really feel for you and your situation. Maybe you can do the same thing that I did and maybe it will help your family understand what your going through. I wish you all the luck in the world. God Bless You.

Answer 8

Forgive them for not understanding your illness. Tell them specific things they can do to help you. And do what you can to help yourself. Try to let go of your resentment.

Start small, take baby steps. If you are not talking with your family at all, call them up to say hi. If you have hurt someones feelings, apologize for it, don't make excuses.

You are only responsible for your own behavior. You can not control or take responsibility for others behavior. Change yourself and hopefully others will also change for the better.

If you believe in God, try the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the courage to change what I can,
The serenity to accept what I can't,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 9

I have 2 daughters and a husband who are bipolar and Ive told them the same thing before maybe its because people that arent bipolar see things differently Im not sure but you definitely need the love and support of your family to deal with your illness. I f you have a dr. or counselor that you see maybe they could help your family learn how to deal with your illness. your family needs to realize that your illness effects the whole family not just you. it isnt a matter of you changing its getting on the right meds and learning how to deal with your illness. you've accepted your illness now your family must. good luck if you ever need to talk please email me at [e-mail]

Answer 10

I feel ya! doesnt it suck when you share something with a person and they just turn around and use it against you.my only advise is that you stop holding the past against people..I get that your family isnt handling it well-but changing them is impossible-all you can change is how you deal with it, and a bad resentful attitude isnt going to help anyone. now if I could follow my own advise that'd be great. good luck

Answer 11

i have a good friend who has been diagnosed as bipolar, and i have researched it some as well. and i say to you, just as i say to her, that you are the one who has to change, not them. you are the one with the problem. can you blame them for getting annoyed at you? i know my bipolar friend aggravates the holy hell out of me sometimes. just because it's hard to get out of bed doesn't mean that you don't have to do it anyway. just because it's hard not to blow the week's money on frivolous crap doesn't mean that it's okay for you to do just that. also, it is not the responsibility of your family and friends to guide you through your issues and help you to understand them--that's where a mental health professional comes in. maybe people are tired of being sympathetic to you because you give in too easily to your desires to be lazy and irresponsible. you have to force yourself to do what you need to do, and just like with everyone else, it's going to be harder on some days than it is on others. my friend always complains that she has no "motivation" to do what needs to be done. she says she knows it needs done, and she knows she is the one who has to do it, but that she just can't find the "motivation" to get up and dressed and start taking care of business. to that i say that motivation is nothing more than making oneself do what one knows needs done. it isn't some outside force that comes along and makes the thing you dread become the thing you can't wait to do. your mother is right--is this how you want to spend your life? if not, then stop it! no one can change it for you. get professional help, and get tough with yourself. i don't mean beat yourself up for your failures, i mean stop allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity and self-hatred and decide that you are going to make your life better. then do it. will it be easy? probably not. but it must be done. maybe if you begin to help yourself, your family will start helping you, too. but whether they help you or not, the most help will come from yourself. so get on it!