Does anyone know any funny tips or quotes?

Answer 1

"me fail english, thats unpossible"--Ralph wiggum (simpsons)

Answer 2

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

Volunteering – it doesn’t pay

If swimming is such exercise, why are whales fat?

If a word is spelled wrong in the dictionary, how would you know?

•If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

•Do octopuses have arms or legs?

•If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

•Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it begins ringing?

•Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

•Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

•If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

•Why doesn't superglue stick to the inside of the tube?

•Why are boxing rings square?

•Where does the white go when the snow melts?

•How can you hear yourself think?

•How do the "Keep off the grass" signs get there?

•If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

•Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?

•What does OK actually mean?

•If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

•If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st –January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?

•Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?

•Why is it you're 'in' a film, but you're 'on TV'?

•Do ducks sneeze?

•What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?

•Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open?

•Which way does a compass point in space?

•Do stairs go up or down?

•Can you make a candle out of earwax?

•If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

•Why can’t you get a tan on your palms?

•How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

•If it is zero degrees outside today and tomorrow it is supposed to be twice as cold, how cold will it be tomorrow?

•What colour is a mirror?

•Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless grapes?

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...

If there are 2 identical twin sisters and they each marry men who are brothers and are also identical twins, what would their kids look like (this is a good one to think about)


And my favourite:
•If Quizzes Are Quizzical Then What Are Tests?



Not sure if i really answered the question but they are funny questions

Answer 3

The Winston Churchill quote reminds me of another of his, when arriving at the House of Commons rather the worse for wear through alcohol. A lady said to him " Mr Churchill, you';re drunk" to which he replied "Madam, you're ugly. At least I shall be sober in the morning..."

Answer 4

Warning.....home owner does NOT dial 911.

A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject.

Criminals prefer unarmed victims.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

Guns kill people like spoons made Rosy O'Donnell fat.

here's one to think about next time you hear a politician talking about "gun control"-----This yr, will go down in history. For the first time a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future.-the author was a up an coming politician in Germany in 1934-Adolf Hitler.

Answer 5

1) Overtakers! Beware of undertakers.
2) Forget the dog. Beware of owner.
3) When you get kicked from behind , Your'e in front
4) I would hate to be a member of a club that would accept me as a member

Answer 6

Lesson One: An eagle became sitting on a tree resting, doing not something. A small rabbit said the eagle and requested him, "am i able to also sit like you and do not something? The eagle spoke back: "particular, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the floor lower than the eagle and rested. swiftly, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. administration Lesson: To be sitting and doing not something, you ought to be sitting very, very intense up. Lesson 2: A turkey became talking to a bull. "i ought to like to be able of get to the right of that tree," sighed the turkey, "yet i have not were given the skill." "nicely, why do not you nibble on a number of my droppings?" spoke back the bull. "they are full of foodstuff." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and positioned it easily gave him adequate skill to achieve the bottom branch of the tree. the subsequent day, after eating some extra dung, he reached the 2d branch. finally after a fourth evening, the turkey became proudly perched on the right of the tree. He became immediately said with the help of a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. administration Lesson: Bull **** may get you to the right, in spite of the indisputable fact that it gained't shop you there. Lesson 3: a touch chicken became flying south for the iciness. It became so chilly, the chicken iced over and fell to the floor right into a wide field. at the same time as he became mendacity there, a cow got here with the help of and dropped some dung on him. because the frozen chicken lay there contained in the pile of cow dung, he began to comprehend how warmth he became. The dung became easily thawing him out! He laid there all warmth and chuffed, and soon began to sing for excitement A passing cat heard the chicken making a music and got here to inspect. Following the sound, the cat stumbled on the chicken lower than the pile of cow dung, and immediately dug him out and ate him. administration Lesson: (a million) not anybody who shits on you is your enemy. (2) not anybody who receives you out of **** is your pal.. (3) And once you're in deep ****, that's proper to shop your mouth close! This ends the three minute administration route.

Answer 7

2

Answer 8

1

Answer 9

Heres a tip - Don't eat yellow snow.
And a quote -
Housewife to Winston Churchill ' If you were my husband I would poison your tea'
Winstion Churchill 'Woman, if you were my wife I'd drink it!'

Answer 10

Churchill, on entry of new MP Arthur Bossom into the House: "Bossom? What sort of name is that? - neither one thing nor the other."
Also, to avoid contravening Parliamentary rules he described a lie (forbidden) as a "terminological inexactitude". Nice one Winnie!

Answer 11

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.

They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

"My boss spent the entire weekend re-typing a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was
damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

AND FINALLY THE WINNER
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)