I have a very hard time when my husband disciplines my three year old daughter. We have never spanked or hit, but i still feel sooooo sad when my husband talks to her in a stern voice because she often cries. Please keep in mind that he never says anything cruel or degrading in any way to her. He just speaks loud and i feel like he's scaring her. Sometimes i go and pick her up and he sayd it's absolutely the worst thing that i could do when he's in the midddle of talking to her.
2006-11-26 05:53:11 · 14 answers · asked by Beamer 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
As long as it brings about correction and she KNOWS that he is doing it because he loves her... You need to butt out or you'll confuse the heck out of her.
Not to mention, she'll eventually turn on the water works worse to manipulate you into bailing her out either knowingly or subconsciously. Children learn by repitition of circumstance...Keep it up and you'll be doing her a great disservice. Not to mention digging a trench between you and your husband who should always be on the same side in front of the kids!
Sounds like you are taking your own childhood feelings and projecting them into a situation where they do not belong.
2006-11-26 06:02:57 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't undermine him when he's disciplining her. It really is the worst thing that you can do, because when she's older she know that even if Dad says no she can go to Mom and you'll say yes. If he's yelling at her maybe you should ask him not to yell. I know that when I'm disciplining my 4 year old niece (I don't have kids) I pull her up onto my lap and talk to her in a low voice. I'll ask her yes and no questions to make sure she understands what I'm saying. This way she feels that she was talked to like a "big girl" and she doesn't have to be embarassed because everyone saw/heard her get in trouble. Even at 4 years old she usually understands what I'm saying and I think that it really helps her self confidence. Sometimes even though I am talking to her softly she still cries, but that comes from being in trouble and feeling bad for what she did. I feel that it's much better than yelling at her and she listens to me more than her mother of father.
2006-11-26 14:09:31 · answer #2 · answered by FlyChicc420 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a hard one. Your husband is right about you picking her up after he has gotton on to her. This is showing her that when daddy gets mad mommy will take my side. That then undermines what he has done. Your daughter is three and this is the age when they really start getting more independent and assertive. If you do not get control of her bad behaviors now they will get much worse. I have a 5 1/2 year old, 3, and 2 year old. Trust me it only gets worse as they get older. I spoiled my oldest and now he does act out on occasion and I have to get stern with him and on a few occasions have had to spank because he would just keep going. You do not want it to get to that point. Your husband is probably also inflecting his voice because he was done that way. We tend to discipline the way our parents did us. Our parents disciplined with inflicting fear. If you fear your parents you will do no wrong theory. That is partially true but sometimes it can go to far. If he is not hurting her and she gets over him raising his voice to her, then she is ok. Now if she ends up coming to you saying she thinks daddy doesn't like her then it would be time to talk to him. Right now though he is just trying to get a handle on her bad habits before they get out of hand and she thinks she can run over you guys. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Hope this helps you out some. Good Luck!!
2006-11-26 14:08:10 · answer #3 · answered by Dawn S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your actions are teaching the child that she can control you with her crying. All she has to do is turn on the water works and turn up the sound and you come running to save her. What you may not have thought of is this is a way for her to be in control and maintain power over her life. A child is never in change of their life the parents are. If you don't believe me just have your daughter destroy some public property and watch the Judge make YOU pay for it.
Also you are invalidating your husbands authority to teach and discipline your child, as a Father should do. Too many Father out there don't care at all, and your husband cares and you treat him that way?
2006-11-26 18:01:34 · answer #4 · answered by 1bigpane 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He talks in a stern voice what a good dad, don't pick her up she will use that against you and see you as a walk over it is upsetting when your child cries but they have to be disciplined for their own good . Stand by your husband and don't undermine him. Because what will happen when she does something really bad your husband will talk sternly to her , shell realize shes naughty and think that's OK mummy will be fine about it and give me a cuddle I don't have to listen to daddy
2006-11-26 14:05:25 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I completely understand. Of course you don't want to see your daughter sad. But you know your husband is right, as parents you must present a united front to your child. Even if you think he is being unreasonable or unfair you should wait until your child is out of the room before you discuss it with him. It sounds to me like he's a very reasonable man, I wish I could have said the same about my husband in all his dealings with our daughters. If your daughter sees that she can play you off against each other she will use that which could cause you a lot of grief in the future.
2006-11-26 14:35:40 · answer #6 · answered by gerrifriend 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two need to work together. He probably should modify his volume. Have the two of you only raise your voices when it's a life or death thing. The two of you should talk together before the next discipline action and work out what you're going to do. Remain calm the both of you...and it will work fine. And he's right, you shouldn't go and pick her up, you're undermining the importance of what he's trying to impart to the child.
2006-11-26 16:20:36 · answer #7 · answered by manywarhoops 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never undermine the other parent in front of the kid. If you want your husband to change how he disciplines then talk to him about it when the child is not around.
personally I see nothing wrong with the way he's talking to her from what you stated. Kids get scared and cry when their upset. I doubt she's really terrified of him.
2006-11-26 14:27:35 · answer #8 · answered by Melissa J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to discipline my children, but understand that it has to be done. I will do the necessary routine to make them understand that mommy is the boss and then retreat into my room and ball my eyes out. As mommies we want to love and coddle them, and its hard when we can't. I agree with your husband undermining his authority will only make discipline harder as your child gets older. Remember that eventually kids come to see that mom and dad set limits because they love them.
2006-11-26 14:14:34 · answer #9 · answered by novelwyrm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you can tell a child off without shouting, and i,m sorry but i agree with your husband its no good if you pick her up when he is doing this, she will soon learn to play the both of you of against each other, leave her a few minutes then talk to her and ask her does she understand why daddy told her off, if not try and explain, you both have to go together on this one, tough i know but true
2006-11-26 14:05:25 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋