Anyone got a good joke that i havnt heard 20 times before??

Question

I'm looking for a few good joke for a get-together next week. The best and funniest joke will get best answer!

sorry 20 times OR MORE before??? ;-)

Answer 1

Breaking News (Washington D.C. -November 28, 2006)

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President
G.W.Bush.

Both of his books have been lost.

The president is devastated, for he had not finished colouring the second one.

Answer 2

Two guys go to a bucking bronco competition and decide to have a go, The first guy gets on and lasts only 25 seconds. His friends then gives it a bash and after 10 minutes he is told to get down and is declared the winner!

He collects his prize and then he returns to his friend
"how did you manage that?"
"Easy" replied his friend "Mywife is eperleptic!"

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Man 1 : Hey man, what's up?
Man 2 : Hey buddy! I just bought this very expensive hearing aid, I'm not deaf anymore!
Man 1 : Really? How much was it?
Man 2 : Just yesterday!!

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A young guy standing at a bus stop with his dog.......... an old lady stood next to him says ''does your dog do tricks''? the young lad say's yeah but theyre a bit naughty i couldnt possibly tell you what ............ she convinces him that she's been around and wouldnt be embarassed .......... so he tells her that if you hit it over the head it licks your dangly bits..........whoooooo she says can i see so the young lad embarassingly pulls his pants down and hits the dog over the head with a stick......... and so the dog licks him.............. she says thats amazing .........can i have a go but dont hit me over the head too hard..... lol

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a boy bought a parrot which he thought didnt talk but when he got it home all it did was swear and make jokes about him so he told it to shut up but the parrot just kept going. ill put u in the freezer if u dont stop swearing said the boy and the parrot stopped but only for a few seconds then it started again so the boy put the parrot in the freezer. the parrot kept swearin for about 10 minutes untill suddenly he stopped so the boy rushed back thinkin he had killed it. he opened the freezer and the parrot walked out saying im so sorry ill never swear again. what did the other bird do?

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Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

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Zookeeper to Paddy - the gorillas on heat and I need someone to have sex with her. Will you do it for £4500?
Paddy - I will with three conditions.
1. I dont kiss her
2. My family dont get to know
3. Give me two weeks to get the cash together!

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Another parrot joke , but this one's better
Old guy takes his parrot to the vet , it's not moved for a week ,it stinks and it's eyes are decomposed.
"Yes" says the vet "I can see the problem sir . It's dead"
"No " says the old guy, I don't believe you , he's always been so chirpy. I want a second opinion"
"No problem" says the vet and brings in a Golden Labrador from the waiting room . The Lab starts chewing the parrot , paws it about the floor for 5 minutes , loses interest and walks off.
"There " says the vet , "It's dead".
"No , I want a third opinion" says the old fart.
"No problem" says the vet who goes next door and brings through a cat.
The cat starts chewing the parrot , paws at it and walks away.
"There" says the vet "It's dead"
"Ok" conceeds the old guy.What's the bill than?"
The vet puts the bill together.
"That'll be £350 sir"
"Feck off ! £350 just for your say so."
"Now , now sir , Not just my say so . You've had a Lab report and a CAT Scan as well"

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George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."


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Two blondes at a bar on a cruise ship, one says I'm just going to the loo. When she gets back she finds her friend alone in the bar. "Where's everyone gone?"
"To see the band," her friend replies, "While you were in the loo there was an announcement , A band on ship!"

THESE SHOULD KEEP THE PARTY GOING!!

my hands are sore off typing! lol xxx

Answer 3

a mand went on safari, taking his favorite dog with him. The dog was playing, chasing butterflies, and lost the safari group. Worse yet, he spied a leopard stalking him in the tall grass. Thinking quickly, he found a bone and began chewing it. When the leopard got close, he started taking to himself, saying" man that was a good leopard! I wish I could find another one! That was so good I could eat two or three!"
When the leopard heard this, he froze in his tracks. not knowing if what he heard was true, he decided to err in the favor of caution, and quietly crept away fro the dog, into the jungle.
A monkey sitting in a tree, saw what happened and decided to make a few points with the leopard. He came down to a low branch and told the leopard that he had been made a fool of. This infuriated the leopard. "Jump on my back, monkey! I'll show you what happens to someone who makes a fool of me!"
The dog, meanwhile, had seen the monkey take off after the leopard. Guessing what was about, he merely sat, waiting for their return. He waited till he saw them getting close, then started looking around, complaining loudly. "Man! Blasted lying monkey! Never trust a monkey! That monkey said he could get me another leopard here in 15 minutes, and it seems like he's been gone forever!"

Answer 4

The Presidential advisor crashes into the room and shouts "Mr. President! Mr. President! There's a Brazilian Guerrila Force at the Texas-Mexixo border and they are threatening invasion!"
George W. jumps up and yells "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! How many is a brazillion?!?"

Answer 5

What's the difference between a woman's G-spot and a golf ball?


A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Answer 6

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire straits. His business has gone bust and he's on serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the church and begins to pray.
"God please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and goes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the church.
"God please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and goes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the church.
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant for you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JACOB MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE. BUY A TICKET."



Q -Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A - There are skid marks in front of the dog.
(just a joke lol!!)

Answer 7

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

Answer 8

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS." (Internal Revenue Service)

Answer 9

I GOT1!
there was this guy, and one day he decided to got to the pier
and he saw this lady with no arms, no legs sittig on the floor
crying. so he goes up to her and asks her why shes crying.
she says," im 40 years old, i have no arms, no legs, and i've
never been kissed before!" so he picks her up and kisses her.
then after he just starts to walk away and he hears her crying again. so he goes back and asks her why shes crying NOW!
she says," im 40 years old, i have noarms, no legs and i've never
been screwed before!" so he picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says," well, youre screwed now!"

Answer 10

a woman saw her hubby having sex with a dolphin,, "why you b.astard" she said " i want a divorce" I dont care said the hubby. " there are plenty more fish in the sea".

An Irish man went for a job in a stables and the boss said " why do you want to be a blacksmith Paddy? "Have you had any experience with shoeing horses?
"Yes" said paddy" i once told a pony to fook off".