Do any of you blame your parents a lot for what you have become?

Question

Do any of you blame your parents a lot for what you have become?
And what's the healthiest way to handle this?

I know there are many people that are mad at themselves because they are bad-tempered, or sloppy, or very shy, or financially inept,or whatever.
They are well aware of the problem and one day,either by themselves or with the help of a therapist, they realise their bad behaviour can be traced back to some flaw in their education or their relationship with their parents.
So they end up blaming it all on their parents and hating them no end.

The scary part about it is that most of the time the link between education and the bad traits later in life actually MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
But even so,blame and hatred themselves are not very helpful and won't solve the problem.

As you can imagine, I'm there, too.
And I would hate ending up being resentful all the time but never actually doing anything useful to change.

Have any of you been here yourselves? What's the healthiest way out?

Oh yes and thanks to you all for answering but just saying that I should 'take responsibility and stop making excuses', well that's really not necessary to say. If I wasn't willing to do it I wouldn't have posted this question. Just HOW?

Answer 1

I do think a lot of the way people turn out to be can be hampered by nurture and how our parents have treated us.

On the flipside though I think that as humans we can (if we really want to) break the cycle. A lot of the time and believe me it can be so easy to lay blame on our parents as it's the ultimate cop out but if we wish to show true character we can try to stick two fingers up to them and be everything that they're not.

I know for a fact everybody that knows me including my husband has said that I am nothing like my parents thankfully and it has been so difficult.

I do have depression which is stemmed from my childhood but for the most I don't like to use that as an excuse to try to make me the person I am

We all have weak moments but honestly you can really do it, it takes a whole lot of strength but it's worth it just to say you didn't beat me and you're not over me.

Answer 2

I have been there and I didn't talk to my parents (mum in particular) for many years, I moved out when I was 16 and it's only been over the last few years that I have began to have a healthy relationship with them both again. It isn't healthy and doesn't help your state of mind being resentful and blaming others, but it takes a lot of work to get over the issues you have and find out that they are not the only problem. There is no quick fix but you can get there and hopefully before it's not too late. I realised that in time thank god and life's too short to hold grudges. Take care and don't put too much pressure on yourself, things will come in time. Good Luck !

Answer 3

I spent most of my teenage years hating and blaming my parents for absolutely everything. In my early twenties I still blamed them - blamed my mum for being abusive and my dad for being passive and I spent a lot of time being angry because of this. Then in my mid twenties after I had my first child I realised just no parent is perfect and I began to understand some of the choices they made - I still didn't agree with them, but I got some insight as to why things might have happened the way they did. Parents do what they can but as an adult you are reponsible for your life and you can't keep putting the blame on them after a certain point. Once you have left home and are an adult, then you can make your own choices and have nobody but yourself to blame if your life doesn't go the way you want it to. Parents have a huge influence on you, but as an adult you have your own power. And there are ways of changing your thinking so you don't continue to follow the bad patterns throughout your life.

It has taken me over 15 years to come to some sort of peace and I still have moments of resentment. I had counselling which helped me enormously and I'll be eternally grateful to the woman who told me there's is no law about having to love your parents or accept at face value all they tell you.

Answer 4

If one is from a family that lacks affection, it surely molds her/his personality into something abnormal. I've grown up by parents who were affectionless and abusive. And I've suffered from many mental illnesses and relationship problems with boyfriends. I couldn't learn any ways to relate to people and give and receive love with others. Doctors say I'm a socially disabled person. And that's the final label that was put on me after numerous trials of medications and therapy. No matter how you try to tell yourself that you are you and can control your own life unrelated to being the product of unheathy family environment, nothing will work. It will never get better as you mature either. It will get worse and the problems will mutate through aging and the personality will get more complex and harder to cure once it becomes an illness. Unfortunately that's the fact. Anyone says it's not, they are just being wishful.

Answer 5

I believe that we are all a product of our upbringing. You can change some things but not others. I have been told by a specialist that I can't ever get better because I have had the condition since the age of 2 and a half, so I know nothing different. Be careful if you decide to seek help. I always had hope, but now I don't, and feel worse for going through therapy and seeing many professionals over a period of 2 years. Good luck. I hope you overcome your difficulties.

Answer 6

I actually do - I blame my mother for my social insecurities and why I am like I am. Why she had children I have no idea and will probably wonder this all my life. Cruelty was a way of life for her and the worse she was the more frightened of her we became. My response when I eventually got away from her was to take myself to another country and create a new life for myself and to let new friends assume that I only had a dad left. My siblings and I have not laid eyes on each other in 20 years. Each one of us has dealt with the awful upbringing our own way. I am more aggressive in life and I don't allow anyone to walk over me. I am good natured in my own way. I leave the past where it is and don't dwell on what I missed when I was young. Instead I use talents I have to make things better for myself and I have a few really good friends to share my life with. Children should be cherished not abused, they should be loved and know they are loved. Treat them with respect and in turn they will become kind and nurturing and good people.

Answer 7

I have found that confronting my mother helped quite a lot. (I won't bore you with details of my childhood). Recognising the traits that you feel are attributable in part to your upbringing and then doing something to change them is a good start. I had no confidence whatsoever for most of my life. Learning to talk to yourself i.e. tell yourself that you are just as good as anyone else. Or telling yourself that you are being irrational are good starts. I then learnt to pretend that I was confident. From there I have managed to make a success of my life and have qualified as a nurse. I have been absolutely terrrified a lot of the time, but have self-talked myself through so many situations now I am a pro at pretend confidence and believe it or not I now believe my own hype!!!!!! So do others. Read the bood "feel the fear but do it anyway". Can't remember who it's by but it helped me to stop hiding from life.

Answer 8

Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield, MD. + other books by the same author.

If you 'work through' your issues, without necessarily having to go to your parents to blame them, you will learn new ways to cope, skills you can learn after you have set yourself free from the chains that bind. But this will take a long time.

Join a support group for wounded adult children. Any group would do, bc the issues are the same, whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex, work, gambling, etc...

all the best! and God's grace!

Answer 9

When people realise that you have to "paddle your own canoe" in this life ,and stop blaming others ,they will be more than half way to becoming a person that they want to be,rather than stagnating(easier) in the past and blaming past relationships with family and upbringing,whats done is done ,u can find a million reasons/excuses why you are what you are now,but this does not help u to move on,get up brush yourself down look ahead and go for your dreams.its only u standing in your own way with feelings of resentment.

Answer 10

I thank my parents for what I have become, because I was lucky to have a great mom and dad.

I HAVE, however, felt what you're feeling, toward my peers back in middle school and high school. I think they screwed me up a good deal, and it's with them that my crap self esteem problems, etc began. As for a healthy way out..? Well, I try to recognize that those negative influences from others are in the past, and I can move beyond them now. Even if you do feel resentful, the past is done and the future is open for good things.