Was I wrong to do what I did?

Question

A day before thanksgiving I bailed my sister-in-law out of jail. I was promised that I would be paid back today. So I called him and told him I would be there to pick up my money, and got an excuse and told to call back later. After three hours of phone tag, I got angry, told them I was tired of the lies, tired of the games, I just want my money back. He got snippy with me, defended his wife, so I told them that I was through helping them out (this is a frequent thing with them) and that I will be calling his boss to find out when he's getting paid, so I can get my money back. It's a long family drama, they are horrible parents, running from CPS in three states, I'm their social worker for WI and on Friday, after all this happend, I turned over their case to my supervisor to assign someone else. I'm literally done. But I didn't stop there. In his last phone call to me (to tell another lie), I went on a tirade about his wife. Everything I've wanted to say, I finally said.

This relates to the ? I asked the other day in regards of what to do. The girl I went off on, hasn't gotten past the 8th grade, has two children she neglects, refuses to work and wants to get pregnant with a 3rd just for more welfare benefits. I buy their kids their clothes, diapers, formula, etc. And I told him exactly what I thought of her and that I was going to knock her into next week if I saw her again (she never thanked me for bailing her out and refuses to pay me back). She now told my husband (it's his brother/wife) that I will never see the kids again. She needed to hear it..someone had to tell her, but now I think I made a bad situation worse for those kids as I won't be able to take care of them as much. Any advice?

Read the answers and need to add, that I took their case, becuz r CPS suks. I could see the kids daily and they are just babies (2mos & 2yrs), they needed care (fed, bathed, changed...parent wouldn't do it & I didn't want them in foster care). My hubby is just as angry, severed ties, just not vocal. I will get updates about the babies, just won't be daily care and I'm terrified for them...severe neglect. I will go revoke the bail in the AM, but how do I change the situation so I can see my nephews to make sure they are ok?

Answer 1

(I'm an MSW social worker too). This isn't about whether you were right or wrong, but about the (in)appropriateness of you being so involved with your brother and s-i-l's lives. I'm surprised your agency let you supervise a relative's case for two reasons: (a) because you might try to protect them or favor them, and (b) because it is too stressful having to have both a professional and a personal relationship with a child-welfare family.

I do sympathize with you. It would be very hard to have to deal with troubled people/parents both as kin and as social work clients, and I have no doubt that your frustration level reached boil-over quite easily. It was the right thing to do to pass their case on to someone else.

If your supervisor gets upset about your tirade, I'd explain that you got maxed out, and that it was not a good idea for you to share responsbility as both social worker and sister (in law). So far as your family relationship to these people is concerned, I suggest ending it or at least putting it on ice.

Your bro & sil are trying to steal the money you gave them for bail. Wake up!--they're pathological. They've crossed a line here, and you need to recognize it. They don't care about you (or even their own children), and that makes them dangerous. We stay away from danger so we won't get hurt. Stop allowing these people to hurt you. And don't feel badly about expending your social-working and personal energies on people who respond more constructively to your efforts.

Postscript: Since you've added to your problem description, I will add to my response. Since you are concerned about the children, I'd say that you have 2 choices here: (a) find a way to have the children removed from the home; or (b) make a commitment to obtain custody, and care for them as your own. It is painful for me to have to say that it is possible that your attempts at mitigating your bro & sil's behavior may have created a mediocre status quo, permitting them to hang onto their children longer than they would have otherwise. The best thing to happen here may be for your bro & sil to face such severe consequences that they lose their children for good. You may have to step back for awhile and watch from the sidelines, getting involved again only if things become critical.

If you feel it essential to be able to help out with the children, maybe the new social worker can make your involvement part of the treatment plan. But think it through carefully--you may need to strategize a way to get these children a permanent change of situation, not just stopgap care.

Answer 2

Hell no it wasn't wrong for what you did, you paid and got your sister in-law out of jail, they should of kept there word and paid you back, even if they are having financial problems they should of disgusted this with you before they said they would pay you back. I'm sure if they would of paid you back that this would of never went this far and you don't seem like a person to cause drama, especially when there already is drama...I'm happy that you told them how you felt it's there fault that they lost a good person like you, stay strong, Next time they need someone they can think back at this and remember that they had a good friend and that they can't come to you for help and maybe that would make them learn there lesson. After all Just be happy that's not your life and be thankful it happened because it taught you to not ever do that again and never to help them again.

Answer 3

No you were totally right.

>this is a frequent thing with them

The more pertinent question is, why did you put up with this ridiculous situation for so long. Stewing in jail for Thanksgiving sounds like what they deserve.

>that I will be calling his boss to find out when he's getting paid, so I can get my money back.

It's up to you, do you think that debt is recoverable or is this vengeance?

>I'm their social worker for WI and on Friday, after all this happend, I turned over their case to my supervisor to assign someone else. I'm literally done.

Surely there was a huge conflict in handling them up to now?
Why did you do it?

> But I didn't stop there. In his last phone call to me (to tell another lie), I went on a tirade about his wife. Everything I've wanted to say, I finally said.

Sounds fine. Why have involvement with them, until they hit rock-bottom and straighten themselves out.

Sounds like you're more annoyed at yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, repeatedly.

Answer 4

I hear you, its sounds like something I would do. Of course you weren't wrong, you are a kind person and you were looking out for the kids. That's whats always sad, the poor kids being in this mess and believe me they use the kids to their advantage. I'm sure you know that. My daughter is a teacher and swears people should be made to pass some sort of test before they are ever allowed to have children.
Is there anyway you can get those poor kids out of their care and then you will never have to have anything to do with them again. That's where they got you, your care and concern for the kids. God Bless You!

Answer 5

A very sick mama dog is an extremely stressful situation. And I understand your anger at some of the answers that you received. It is normal for you to want to vent back to these folks some of your anger and frustration. So, try to remain calm and keep your focus on your dog & pups. Don't let this cloud your true goal - a healthy dog. And yes, I would love to know this outcome. Kudos to you for your quick action in caring for 7 pups! It isn't easy! I wish that more people would realize that there are situations that stump even the best of vets. While the calicum issue is the most common with these symptoms, it is not the only cause. And your dedication to this dog and her pups is very, very admirable. So, you know that you are responding to this crisis in the best manner possible. You are doing all you can do in an extremely difficult situation. Let God sort out the rest. Peace

Answer 6

Wow, are you an empathetic person. I am not, I am a cold-hearted monster that helps no one. I tip my hat to you. I wish I could be like you, but that is not me. Thank God for people like you in the world because there is a LOT of people out there that need help. You just got one person that uses people Dump them, forget them, kiss your money good by. Eventually they will end up permanently in jail. You do not need that. Go help others that appreciate your help.
Next!!

Answer 7

It sounds to me like someone finally told them what they have been needing to hear for a long time. Just because it was you does not make it wrong. Stick your ground and get your money, maybe something will click in their tiny brains and you will have done some good. Kudos to you.

Answer 8

you were not wrong. You have to know that the kids will be ok if your husband's brother is any kind of a man at all. Since you work close to their case, ask your coworker to keep u informed and if necessary ask for updates. Also, what does ur husband say about this?

Answer 9

You did the RIGHT thing, it's unfortunate for the kids but if they have any kind of decensty they will allow their kids to see you. If not go to the kids school, you won't be breaking any law just to tell the kids you love them right?

Answer 10

Call anf ask WHEN you will be paid back.If they do not abide by that,,take them to small claims court & tell them that you will.Or you can revoke the bail & she will be picked up again & your money will be returned.