How do I convince her that her disability would never burden me?

Question

The girl I love as recently gone into a wheelchair which will become permanent. Obviously her emotions are everywhere and she's starting to think her disability means I'm too good for her and I deserve someone who can offer more. She knows I'm crazy about her I've never felt like this about anyone.. We knew she would be in a wheelchair sooner or later, so I did a lot of thinking and research and realized what I'd be getting myself into, and it didn't worry me not one bit. Now the time is here and she's in her wheelchair and it hasn't affected the way I feel. She's feeling really low and is saying we shouldn't be together because I can do better. I would chose her over any other girl on this planet. No matter how much I tell her I can't seem to convince her. I know she loves me and I love her so it wouldn't make sense to be apart. How do I make her realize her disability will not make me go off her, fall out of love with her or want to leave her and that there is nobody I want but her?

Answer 1

Firstly, you havent gone into this blindly. You both knew she may end up in a wheelchair and it didnt bother you then. You even went the extra step by looking up the problems you could possibly come across. That doesnt bother you either. It will take time for her to come to terms with her being wheelchair bound and her self esteem would have to suffer. I probably would be doing and saying the same things as she is saying to you. No-one wants to be a burden on anyone, and it sounds like this girl loves you enough to let you go. You love her enough not to let her go. Its a match made in heaven. Just keep on telling her how much you love her and the wheelchair doesnt bother you one little bit and all it is, is an extension of her. The wheelchair does not define who she is, and she will understand it when she can see you will not be put off. Just say to her. "I am not listening, I will not leave you. You are the love of my life and I am not letting you get away, wheelchair or no wheelchair." Just be consistent. Dont be put off by anything she says.....just understand that it is going to take her some time to adjust for herself. Be there for her, and if you know she loves you, then it will be easy for you to stick around. Like I said everytime she mentions something about you being too good for her, just tell her youre not listening to anything like that and you love her and will not be going anywhere. Maybe turn it around on her and tell her that you are allowed to have choices too, and if she really loves you then she has got to know that you love her with all your heart. You just have to keep on re-inforcing the fact that you love her no matter what. Time will eventually see her believe that, just give her that time.

I think it will be a relationship made in heaven. You are not shallow, you love her for who she is, not what she rides around in. She is still exactly the same person she was. The only difference is that her legs have been replaced by wheels. If you love her as much as you seem to, then you wont have a problem convincing her of your love and that you plan to be going nowhere until she realises your love is real and accepts that there is nothing she can do about it. When she accepts being in a wheelchair, her confidence will grow. There are lots of things she can do. Her life isnt over. Im sure she has spoken to other people in wheelchairs. If she hasnt, then she needs to. She needs to speak to positive people who are in chairs. She will see then by the postiive attitude of these people how she can achieve anything whether she is in a chair or not.

I hope she listens and believes you because I sure as hell wouldnt let you go. And she has got to be good enough for you simply because you couldnt love anyone who you felt superior to. She is having problems adjusting. Just keep on keeping on, dont let anyone disuade you from loving her...not even her.

Answer 2

What you are seeing now is this wonderful girl that you just can't imagine ever being without. What she is seeing is how dependent she will be and at some point in the future...when all the excitement is calmed down in your relationship your eyes will open and see how much her disability restricts your life.

If you think it won't you are fooling yourself. It will in a very big way.
And depending on what her disability is it could become even worse.

I know not her disability but here are a few posibilities depending upon how bad it is.

Example:

Will she be able to have sex?
Will you have to help her from the wheel chair to the potty or at sometime in the future change her diaper.
Both of you will only be able to go where you can take a wheelchair.
The only running....walking..... you will be able to do is if you can push that wheelchair fast enough without throwing her out.

Why do I say these things?

My wife has been that dependent on me from time to time. While before we married I felt just as you do and still would do what ever is required. But my wife is not restricted to a wheelchair....only hard for her to walk any distance at times and only very slowly.

It took me a long time to finally shift my style down so I didn't resent this. I had been a runner for many years. That resentment was not at her but just the circumstance.

We went to Las Vegas once. She had just gotten out of the hospital and really could not get around much at all.
I so did want to go around to all the clubs and see what all was
going on but could not just leave her in the room.
We got a wheelchair. I pushed her up and down the streets to see what we could see.
While you can do this we could not at all be spontaneous.

Now I say all this not to try to make you give this girl up. Not at all. But until you have done this you truly have no idea what it is like. And my experiance is so much better than yours will be.

You are to be commended for what you are willing to take on. You truly do love her. But all the things I have said here is what she fears. Once she has committed herself to you so
much will you then decide you just can't do it anymore?
That would devastate her. It truly would.

Be sure you know what you are doing and then show her every day your love. She will come to understand that she can truly depend on you and that you will always be there for her.
Because it is a forever thing.

Answer 3

They don't the wealth of myth that passes for information reveals that at every turn. As I'm sure you learned it's not easy to get on the social programs that allow your mother to live a fairly independent life. As to your family trying to get her off her meds, all I can say is that for some people psychiatric problems are quite unreal to them, if they can't see it on an x ray its not real. Or they may be afraid the condition is real and possibly in their genes so they want to say its not so. They say the same about anyone on welfare, the latest being that we should drug test them, to what purpose they don't say since rehab isn't available and doesn't work anyway, and we already know these aren't stable people. So is letting them go without food and shelter going to change them? No, they will simply make more bad choices and commit crimes. Which will in the long run cost us more. Until you've been there its easy to make the assumptions, when you need the help you wonder why it is that its supposed to be so easy, but the truth is its not and never has been. Its the great conservative lie.

Answer 4

In some ways it's not about you at all -- she's feeling worthless and it's spreading to you. Realistically, it will burden you & worry you some, (not admitting that could make her think you're delusional) -- but the fact of the matter is that you've made a decision/realization that it's just not a significant burden/worry when compared to the joy she brings you. The best thing is just going to be time, you being there lovingly day after day while she goes through all her ups and downs. But during the wait, I would be tempted to write it out very clearly (this question lays it out very well), print it on one sheet of paper in the largest font that will fit, and tape it up in 5 or 6 (10?) places in her room/house.
On a more committed scale, (I don't know what the nature of her disability is, so I don't know if this is relevant), could you retrofit your car so she could drive it? Move into a single level house or bottom floor apartment where she can get around independently? Get a tattoo with her name in it (silly, but could be very charming . . .)? Something big that says that you know exactly what you're getting yourself into . . .

Good luck!

Answer 5

Perhaps you should stop talking to her about it and just be there for her. Just be there and talk and hang out and do all the things you do together and ignore the subject of the chair. You sound like you have your head screwed on - you have done your research and you are going into the relationship with your eyes open. I think taht this young woman needs time to adjust. Yes she knew about the wheel chair and lack of mobility but its here now and she's very upset. She is also questioning how much of an imposition she will be and the best way for you is to stop talking about it and demonstrate through your actions (the old actions speak louder than words thing)that the wheel chair is not getting in the way of your love for her. Give this girl some time and eventualy she will adjust to the chair and feel more comfortable about it. At the moment it sounds like its all too much. at an apportune moment you might like to mention your feelings again and reaffirm how you feel but for the moment let her adjust to her wheel chair and the stigma of a disability and you adjust too . Good luck you sound very sincere. Kathy

Answer 6

if all lads were like you the world would be a happy place..obviously having a disability makes you feel less attractive on the outside even though you are the same person in and out,she probably feels worthless and feels that you are with her coz u pity her which obviously isnt the case,its just a question of building up her confidence,those with a disability should not be treated any different to an able bodied person,i should know,tho my main disability is not a visable one,n i have just been diagnosed with curvature of he spine so i find it difficult to walk and yes people do stare but thats there problem,with my main non visable disability i was treated different at skool which was a pain but im 30 next month so aint done 2 bad..just build her confidence up reassure her but more importantly dont mollycoddell her as she will hate you 4 it,i no as im the same,just b there 4 her leave her little notes when you go home on an evening ,u no little things but dont wrap her in cotton wool!!!..you sound an absolute diamond best of luck to u both x

Answer 7

You just keep telling her that you love her no matter what.One way to convince her is to make a vow that you will BOTH take care of each other no matter what happens. My husband is in a wheelchair and I see past his disability. He is a good man and that wheelchair don't stop him. His positive attitude and my support are great. And if anything ever happens to either of us..we will take care of each other.She just needs to get thru this self pity routine and get on with her life is all. She is very lucky to have a loving man like you. Don't give up on her ,just be there for her.Good Luck.

Answer 8

Hi jOnny

Your going to have to be very patient. The only thing that is going to convince your girl is time. As in, it goes by and you are still there. In a way it is like starting your relationship all over again. You both need to re-establish your comfort zones and roles.

Like you said your girl is very lonely place at the moment (and so must you be). Her confidence has taken a knock and she is focusing on the fact that she has "became a burden and wants love not pity" because she loves you too. I'm in no way saying that you feel that way for one minute but it is where she's at at the moment. As a result, what she may be doing is pushing you away because she thinks that it is also inevitable that you will leave one day. However, if the roles were reversed, she'd probably be quite mad at you for thinking anything of the sort.

It sounds like you could both be in need of specialised support. Both of you, because it concerns both of you. It is normal to feel low after a major change in your life and your girl is struggling to adjust at the moment. As you do not say what condition caused her disability, I cannot offer any contact details. If your girl attends physio or rehabilitation, they should be able to advise. It will be very frustrating for you both but this is part of re-adjusting and she will come out the other side of it.

On a personal level your girl is now thinking of all the things that she thinks are gone forever. However, in time your girl will find that there is nothing much you can't do together it may just need to be approached in a different manner. Encourage her to do things for herself. Try not to treat her any differently. Look after yourself too, please do not try to do it all on your own. Its a time for complete honesty with ypurself. Try to form a support network for yourselves, be it family and/or freinds.
Keep a sense of humour - it'll get you through the tough times, just like any relationship.

Your a decent person jOnny and I wish you both all the very best for the future.........

John B is absolutely right, no-one can adequately explain the reality of the lifechanges and living with it all is forever. Like John B & his wife, there are frustrations on each side and like John my husband gets angry at what has happened.

Answer 9

There should be more guys like you!! I think the only way you can convince her, is by proving it to her. All you can do is stick by her, and eventually she'll realize that you're staying around for good. And make sure that you're not going crazy always trying to do everything for her or fussing over her (though that's a good thing to do to an extent)... treat her exactly how you would have before and she'll realize that you're not sticking around just because you feel sorry for her, you're sticking around because you're crazy about the person that she is. Best of luck!

Answer 10

Just tell her "You're not getting rid of me that easily".

Jokes aside perhaps show her your posting here, also discuss how you had planned on how to deal with the circumstance and show her you're committed.

It honestly sounds to me as though YOU have adjusted to the situation but SHE hasn't. I would recommend counselling as a way to get another opinion through to her rather than just your own. It seems clear that she'll need care in other ways than just physically and emotionally. Just make sure you can get her support mentally.

Best of luck - you are clearly a very special person! Big respect!