Is it pointless to confront my ex about his lack of interest in our son?

Question

My ex hardly has anything to do with our son. I understand that he lives about 6 hours away, but he only exercises his visitation rights about every 3-5 months and most of the time he will call the Wed. night before and say "WE are coming to pick up Tyler", but then WE doesn't show, my ex-mother-n-law does. I havent actually laid eyes on my ex in about 1 1/2 to 2 yrs. My ex mother-n-law came and got my son for his birthday, and when my son came home he told me that him and his grandma stayed with family about 2 hours away from here and his dad wasn't even around at all that weekend. He hasn't seen him since July. He only calls when he is letting me know he is exercising a visitation, even though it isn't actually him exercising it. I have jumped all over him before about his lack of interest, but that probably wasn't the best approach, and I also wrote him a letter and he completely ignored it. I can't stop his mom from coming, because our divorce papers say he can send any adult.

I know some might say that I can't force him and even that I should be grateful that a jerk like him isn't around much, but it just infuriates me that even though he is hardly ever around, he has felt free in the past to critisize my parenting and to claim he could do a better job. He has also said that it is my fault that he doesn't come much, because it is a very long drive and I refuse to meet him halfway "like our papers say." The papers do not say anything like that, and I won't meet him because if he can't even make an effort to see our son even one time every month or two, then he doesn't deserve me making it easy on him.

I am not going to get in the way of his visitation because I do not want to be in contempt of court and also because I am not going to be the one responsible for my son not having a relationship with his dad. I couldn't care less about this looser, but it has gotten to the point that my son doesn't want to see him and I feel that if he were more involved then my son wouldn't dread visitations with him. I think that he sends his mom because he is too lazy to come himself and has "better" things to do.

Answer 1

YOU DEFINATELY HAVE A RIGHT TO CONFRONT HIM ABOUT IT, HE NEEDS TO HEAR IT. BUT DONT EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE. BUT I WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL REALLY BAD BECAUSE HE SHOULD.
ANYTIME HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR SON LET HIM FOR YOUR SONS SAKE OF COURSE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO BREAK PLANS.
YOUR SON NEEDS HIM AND THATS WHAT IT IS SAD, HE NEEDS SOME TYPE OF MALE FATHER FIGURE, MAYBE AN UNCLE OR GRANDFATHER, BC THATS IMPORTANT FOR BOYS, THERE ARE THINGS MOM JUST CANT TEACH HIM, LIKE HOW TO BE A MAN, I DONT THINK YOUR EX CAN TEACH HIM THAT BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY ISNT A MAN HIMSELF.

Answer 2

I have two kids with my ex. They are now 20 and 21 years old. I have never tried to keep their father away. He did this on his own. Throughout their lives there has been years with no contact, then all of a sudden he "cares" again. When they were small I would do the meet half way thing, he never paid child support either. Now he will reap what he has sewn. My oldest will be getting married in about a year and a half. Who does she want to walk her down the aisle? Me, the one person who has been there her whole life. My new husband has been a great dad to her for the past 10 years. Kids are smart, doesn't really matter what you say to them, they are taught by example. The dad is the loser. Your son has you and that's what matters!

Answer 3

I have 2 children from a previous marriage, and let me tell u it hasn't been easy. I really never wanted to make things easy on him, especially since he wasn't even paying child support for them, but I was really just thinking about the kids and the fact that they need their dad. I would make the trip to meet him and i had to drive an hour and a half to meet him half way. I figured it was a good thing because this way my kids could see him. If i would have chose not to do so, I'm pretty sure he would have never seen them. I believe that we must compromise even tho we don't get along. As mad as i was at him for not paying child support and never being able to come and pick them up, to give me a break, i had to compromise with him so it was possible for me to get that break and for the kids to get their time with their father. Even tho there is no relationship with me and him I will always make sure that the kids have a relationship with him. But if he just chooses not to have that visitation I would always leave that option open, when ur son grows up and wants to know about his father, give him the truth. Of coarse you can't force your x to see your son but always leave the option open that way in the future you won't be held responsible.

Answer 4

There isn't anything you can do to make him visit his son. At least your son's grandmother is taking an interest. He seems to be using this as a power play. He can exercise a visitation, but you need to let him know he cannot call the night before so his mother can see your son. The next time apologize and let him know you already made plans but if he would like to set up something for the next weekend that would be wonderful. Also, mention to the grandmother when she picks up your son that you are thrilled that she wants to spend time with your son and she is more than welcome to call a couple days in advance to set up a weekend when she would like to pick him up. Trust me, your son knows what is going on and if and when his father finally decides to make any attempt, it will be too late.

Answer 5

I don't know what is up with a lot of men theses days but my parents got divorced when I was 12 and ever since then my dad has not been a part of my life. He was very involved when they were married but I am now 22 and haven't had a relationship with him for almost 10 years. My mom as well as his side f the family have chewed him out so may times for not having much to do with me but that didn't help. I feel for your son and know how it feels, I hope he will grow up to be strong and always know it wasn't his fault. Good luck!

Answer 6

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My ex has weekend custody but most of the time he just picks up our son to drop off at his mother's house.

No child support, frequently gives me a lecture about parenting and recently yelled at me because I didn't invite him and his parents to parent/grandparents day at school. (my family went). When it comes to school clothes or other expenses I am told that I deal with the weekday stuff but when it's something FUN-- then he wants to be involved.

Right now I let it go.. I see no reason to argue.. I just quickly srug off the stupid arguments over parenting and let the grandparents spend time with my son. At least SOMEONE is showing an interest from that side of the family.. it's better then nothing, you know?

Eventually your son will be the one that notices his lack of participation and may want to call his dad and ask. Until then, just show your son 2x as much love.

Answer 7

if your son is old enough to voice is opinion strongly that he doesn't care to see his father.. then respect his choice and go change the visitation to where he doesn't have to go see his father.. and then if your son decides that he would like to go then let him... however if he's not old enough.. then you should still change visitation because this guy sounds like a total jack*** and your son won't hold it against you.. one day when he's really old enough to completely understand sit him down and explain your reasons... good luck sweetie... and i hope all turns out for the best.
also.. it is pointless to try to convince your ex of what he's doing is damaging your child. if doesn't want to be around, he's not going to regardless of what anyone says or does... if he wants to be that way then it's better that your son stay away from him... b/c when he's there it could just have a negative effect on him now and in the long run of being around someone who doesn't want to be there.

Answer 8

As a single mom, I understand how you feel. It's frustrating, and unfair for your son. Remember that your son will benifit from the involvement of his dad's side of the family, even if dad isn't there.

Try your best not to internalize his criticism of your parenting skills, he's just talking out of his butt

A prayer for thought:
God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 9

Am living thru something similar to this myself.
My heart goes out to you and the child.

It amazes me how someone who was such as important part of their life at one time is now out of sight out of mind.
If not for the reminding of others would probably never interact.

America will have alot to answer for in regard to how we treated our children and their needs.

Am learning myself that since I am the sole caretaker, custodial parent for this child must do my best to provide regardless of any help from the ex.
This child will always know that she is loved and cared for.
Will do what I can to share the good things about her father for she will learn the bad soon enough on her own, for you cannot fool a child.

It is indeed sad that so few non-custodial parents take advantage of their time with their children.
For you know, they do not stay children long.
One day, they will be the one needing the child and should not wonder why they are not there for them - for they will be living by the example of that parent.

Do all I can to encourage my child to love her dad but when continuously let down by him - it is a hard sell.
Oh yeah, have tried talking with him and etc but he continues right on in his selfish mode.

Time is short. She is his spitting image and our only child.
She should not have to pay the price because things did not work out within our marriage.
He will not own up to the fact tho, that when he walked away from me - he walked away from a family.

Forgiveness towards him is something we both have to work on daily.

She loves him and only needs him in her life.
Is that so much to ask?

I pray for all the single parents out there - we need each others prayers!

Hang tough!
Be the best mom you can be!
Be proud of all of your successes!
Love that baby and scoop in all the love that baby has to share with you for the days are priceless!

God bless you!!!!

Answer 10

Just because he was given visitation rights doesn't mean he HAS to take them. Besides why do YOU need to see your ex to begin with? Maybe that's WHY he sends his mother? Just be thankful for your son's sake that he is allowed to keep in touch with his family on his father's side. Unless you want to discontinue this which would only be harmful for your son.