How big of an age difference is too much?

Question

I would like to hear from people who have both horror or success stories when it comes to dating people significantly older or younger than themselves

Answer 1

I've dated someone 7 years younger and someone 11 years older - those were my two limits (I have also dated someone who was 9 years older). These things start off successfully (there's an 'us against the world' element), then end up horrifically. In my experience, big age differences in either direction were difficult because the difference of maturity and perspective places a strain on the relationship even when you are really compatible with one another. Often you are both at different stages of your lives -- and if his friends are all his age and your friends are your age, this also causes problems. I notice that there is increased negative pressure from the outside world. No matter what anyone tells you, family and friends will be judgmental. If you are a woman dating a younger man it is harder than a younger woman dating an older man. If you are the older woman (for example, Cameron Diaz, Demi Moore, Madonna) then having a much younger man makes you look like a crone even if you are still young and aren't one at all. It also makes you look like a control freak, which is a message men don't like to pick up about a woman. If you are the much younger woman, then all his older friends will see you as a tart and an idiot, especially the older female friends (think of all those Woody Allen films, where this is an unfortunate running theme).

Another problem that appears in these relationships is a question of a power balance -- because the partners' ages are disparate, sometimes internal power struggles can appear. I don't want to get Freudian, but this probably comes from the much older partner becoming more 'parent-like' -- no fun, not healthy. At the same time, because of the big youth culture, the sexual power can ultimately rest with the younger partner. The older partner may be more experienced in terms of intimacy, but the younger one always has the option of infidelity or the threat of it. Things can get nasty once these insecurities take over and games start.

That said, it can be done, but the people in the relationship have to be mature, open minded and communicate more, and the people around them have to be tolerant and free of preconceived notions -- which as I say, is rare. I do know couples where the woman is between 7 and 11 years older than the man and it works. There are many more examples of older men trading in their first wives for younger second wives, which I think is nasty but it appears to be something that unfortunately happens a lot.

Perhaps this changes as you get much older -- I am not so old, so I am not sure what it is like once one is middle aged or elderly to be with someone 10+ years older or younger. It might not make as much of a difference by then.

Answer 2

The only time an age difference should matter is if the maturity level is vastly different or some one is underage (such as..you are 16 and they are 20).

That is when age difference matters. A 40 year old man and a 18 year old woman are vastly different in maturity and experience. They could not really meet at a satisfying level of being a couple, it will most likely be treated as the 40 year old is more experience, therefore, gets more say. It becomes more of a father/daughter relationship. Which is not really a relationship at all.

I was with a guy 4 years older than me for a long time, we got along just fine until it ended. But becuase my maturity level matched his, is really the reason we got along. I was a little mature for my age, he was a little immature for his age. haha. :)

Answer 3

Okay well I ave this friend whos in the same grade as me
and she always dates older high school boys about like 11th one time even 12!!!

but they're never seriosu with her cause shes so much younger about 4-3 grades younger so if they find a girl whos in their grade they'll sometimes just break uo with her
or cheat on her!

But she likes those Skater/Bro bad boys
aha so yeah everyone is different.
:]

Answer 4

Depends on age . . .
m 20 - f 10 = No good (10 year split)
m30 - f 20 = Fair (10 year split)
m 40 - f 30 = OK (10 year split)
m 70 - f 60 = Great (10 year split)

See what I mean?

Answer 5

i think 4 years older is about the limit

Answer 6

the experts say there is a poor chance for a long terem relationship if there is 15 or more years, (to much generation gap)

Answer 7

i got a Bf that is 16, and im 14..is that ok? Cause hes only in 10ths grade and im in 9th grade :-S

Answer 8

my bf is 8 years older than me
we would get along great even if hes so much older than me but we always fight becuz of our diff. religious beliefs.