Anyone know any good Jesus jokes ?

Question

Jesus on the cross says to Mary " mother mother" and Mary says "What son" and Jesus says" iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (all staggered)"
And Mary says " Come on son spit it out " And Jesus says " iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (all staggered)"
And Mary says " Come on spit it out "
And Jesus says " iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii can see oure house from up here "


Jesus goes to an inn and puts 3 nails on the counter and asks the innkeeper " Can you put me up for the night "

Jesus goes to Moses " Come forth Come forth "
And he came fifth and won a bag of nuts

Answer 1

may He have mercy on you when He meets you

Answer 2

Haha they're good.

Why doesn't jesus play hockey?
Beacuse he's sick of getting nailed to the boards.

A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service. "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them. Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary."
"That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?" There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there was going to be a quiz.
Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced: "I know. It's Virg."
After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in laughter. Of course - we all know it was Virg 'n Mary.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

Answer 3

This is an appropriate story for this time of year:

Many years ago, a gentle being came to live on this earth. He was not born in the usual manner of mankind.He was gentle and peace loving, but worried a lot of people because he was different. Finally, due to fear and misunderstanding, a mob saw that he was put to death. But this unusual being didn't stay dead very long. He soon returned, and is known by most people on earth today. Does this story sound familiar? It should, because I have just summarized the story of.....Frankenstein's monster! Goodnight,everybody
P.S:
Jesus saves, but Moses invests

Answer 4

Got this from Chris W:
St Peter at the pearly gates waiting for the incoming says to Jesus "i have to go on an errand, "would you mind the gates for me.Ask a few questions to find out if they are worthy to come in or not"
Ok thought Jesus, how hard can it be
Straight away an old man turns up." What did you do in life"? asks Jesus
" Oh i was a Carpenter". said the man.
"Yes and i had a son,"
"You had a son" said Jesus
Yes" said the man "but we lost him
"You lost him.said Jesus, "You lost your son"
Yes" said the old man" but he had holes in his hands and feet".
"Father" said Jesus.....
"Pinnocchio."...


Jesus is coming, hide the porn

Answer 5

Jesus and disciples around table at the last supper. Jesus says to Mathew, drink some wine with me, so Mathew drinks a cup of wine. Jesus then turns to mark. mark will you have some wine with me. mark drinks the wine. Jesus continues around the disciples and then comes to Judas and says Judas tonight you will betray me three times, with that Judas stands up and says don't take it out on me because you're pissed.

Answer 6

Here you go. right or wrong, people will make a joke of anything:
1)
What sways from side to side?
Jesus on a rubber cross!

2)
Why did Jesus always get told off by his mother.
Because he was always biting his nails!

3)
It's during the time of Christ and some Hebrews are bored one day. "Let's go and find a whore and stone her!" one says.
They all go to a brothel and find a ragged old whore. They drag her out and are getting ready to stone her, when Jesus suddenly comes out of his carpenter's tent and says, "He who is without sin cast the first stone!"
All the Hebrews get discouraged and go home. As they are leaving, an old woman picks up a huge rock, and throwing it with all her might, hits the whore on the nose.
Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says with shock and dismay, "MUM!"

4)
Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

5)
Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses, "I want to do a miracle like in the good old days!" and Moses says, "Sure!"
So Jesus gets up and says, "I think I will walk on the water, that was always a good one!" So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat stands on the water and sinks like a stone.
Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says, "What happened?"
"I think it's the holes in my feet!" Jesus replied.

6)
Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-
a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
b) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.
d) Beer has never caused a major war.
e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.
g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.
h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.
I) You can prove you have a beer.
j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

7)
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old old man approach.
This man was OLD. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and a beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man said that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could because there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him," said the old man, "because he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at him in shock and says, "Father? Is that you?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

8)
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture!

9)
Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!

10)
Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
Because they keep on falling through his hands!

11)
What did the poof say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross?
"Good God! You're well-hung!"

12)
Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill conforting Mary Magdelene when he hears a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
"I must go and help my saviour," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter..." in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally and toss him back down the hill.
Again, he hears, "Peter...Peter..." even fainter and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here!"

Answer 7

Three Vietnam war veterans were out fishing on a lake one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in their boat.Not surprisingly,the three men were amazed.
The first said humbly:"Jesus,I,ve suffered from back pain ever since I was hit by shrapnel in the Vietnam war.Can you help me?"
"Of course,my son," said Jesus and when he touched the man's back,the man felt relief for the first time in 30 years.
The second man who wore thick glasses,said to Jesus:"I've never been able to see properly since a mine blew up in front of me in Vietnam.Is there anything you can do to help?"
Jesus smiled,removed the man's glasses and lobbed them into the lake.As soon as the glasses hit the water,the man's eyes cleared and he was able to see perfectly for the first time in 30 years.
Then Jesus turned to the third man who put up his arms defensively and cried:"Don't touch me--I'm on disability pension!"

Answer 8

Yo mama so tall she did a cartwheel and kicked Jesus!

A teacher in catholic school was teaching religion and one girl was sleeping then when an angel came up to the girl sleeping
Teacher: "Who is the supreme ruler?"
Then the angel sticks a pencil up the girls butt
Girl:"God!"
Teacher:"Correct! Who is the son of god?"
The angel strikes again
Girl: "jesus!"
Teacher:"Correct! What did Mary say to Joseph when Jesus was born?"
The angels last strike
Girl: "if you stick that thing up my a.s.s. one more time I'm gonna kill you!"
Teacher:"Correct! You're on a roll today ANGEL!" [The student's name] LOL!

Answer 9

there were 3 men in a bar, an englishman, an irishman, and an australian, and Jesus walks into the bar.
the englishman says to jesus, "could you please heal my knee, i had an accident playing cricket!" so jesus healed him.
next, tha irishman says " please can you heal my athletes foot?" and jesus did.
then jesus walks over to the australian and inquires if he needs healing, and the australian immedietly steps back and says, "don't touch me, i'm on compo (compensation)!"

haha, i love that one, im australian!!! lol

Answer 10

What did Jesus say when they took him off the Cross?

Feet first! feet first!

Answer 11

not really but i like the t shirts they sell that say "jesus is coming,look busy"