My mother wants to see and take care of my children sometimes?

Question

She refuses to buy safety locks for her house and wants me to buy them. I have a gate that I brought there and I needed it back,and she threw a tantrum. She wants me to bring toys for the children.I don't have that much space in my car to bring a lot for 4 children. She is very immature and always asks me why I don't bring the children over, it's because I saw my niece chug bleach! I came inside, and asked where my niece was and my mom said in the bathroom, and I saw her drinking. My niece is alive thank god to me, because if I wasn't there she would die. Even if I go there to her house with the children she makes me take care of the 4 kids while she goes upstairs and passes out without telling me. I have an 8 month old who is starting to crawl and there is no space for her. My mom has a big house, it's she jampacks it with crap. What and how should I tell her that I don't want my children to be with her and I'm sorry about it, but I would like to maintain a nice relationship with her?

we always fight over this, and she doesn't care. We try to go out to eat, but she always gets upset and throws a tantrum. She hates my husband and is jealous that my inlaws care for my child once a week

no I said that even though I do come over with the children she makes me take care of 4 children

Answer 1

When it comes to the protection of your children vs mom with a temper tantrum, too bad for mom. You are a responsible parent. I would limit taking them over to her house and explain that regardless of how upset she gets your concern is your children and there will be no exceptions when it comes to their safety.
Maybe she should come your way and visit, and if she makes no effort than it is all a big show rather than actual caring.

Answer 2

Why are you sorry about it?

There is NOTHING TO BE SORRY about. You don't want your children in danger and you need to not sugar coat the reason why.

State exactly the reasons why.

Do you want your daughter to chung bleach and be unsupervised while some person, other than you, is stuck with the kids while she passes out?

You can't maintaine a nice relationship with a person like her. You are not already. There is nothing nice about the relationship you two have. You talk about her throwing tantrums and wanting you to provide everything. You say she is immature and unfit.

That is exactly what you feel and should be said.

Answer 3

This is easier said than done, but love your mother while you have her. EVERYONE has faults. I'm backing up and giving you my insight into this: She feels shes already reared kids, now that stage of her life is over. She doesn't mind seeing everybody, and she's resentful that your inlaws still like to look after everybody--that's "her gum to chew". Don't make it ABC gum (Already Been Chewed). Get a large tote bag for each child and bring things over, including the locks (to keep the peace between you and mom). Fill the tote bags with things that you and the children don't mind leaving at grandma's. Put their names on the tote bags, and tell mom that she only has to keep the toys in the tote bags. Each time the children come, they have their own sack of things to play with. By your saying that she goes and "passes out" sends the signal that PERHAPS she's indicating that she feels if you didn't have problems having them, you shouldn't have problems watching them--even if it is her house. I know you've said in this that you and your mom fight over this issue. Have you tried, minus the kids around, talking to her peacefully one-on-one? Try that, if you haven't. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

I suspect your mother has a problem. If you do not feel your children are safe with her tell her this:

"I do not feel my children are safe in your home. When you can provide a safe place and proper supervision I will bring them."

Then hang up, walk away, and disconnect from her for a while. Repeat the above as needed.

Sounds like there is alcoholism and maybe some hoarding going on, too. You may want to go to alanon for assistance in getting the courage to stop dancing to her tune and do for you

Answer 5

After what happened to your niece I can see why you don't want to bring then there. Tell her if she'd like to watch then then to come to your house,exsplain that that it would be easier then bring everything there when everything the kids need is at your house, If she still gets upset then say well I guess if you don't want to work this out MY way then I will find someone else to watch them.If she still gets upset then just have her come there and with you home have her watch them well you do things you need to do. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Well I definitely wouldn't endanger your children to make her happy, so I would just be firm and tell her no. You could let her watch your kids at your house if you feel comfortable with that, but if you don't then don't do it. Why does she have to watch them- couldn't she just hang out with you and the kids together? I think it's a little weird when people want to take care of your kids and want you to leave.

Answer 7

Well you need to handel this like an adult. Tell your mother the truth about her behavior and about how you feel. As a parent she will probably understand where you are coming from, and may try to kiss up to you. Basically tell her everything you said in this question and more. Tell her everything you feel....and dont lie one bit. YOU CAN DO IT. You should be able to control your kids lives...and protect them from harms way.

Answer 8

So ummm why don't you purchase the child safety locks and install them for your mother? (FYI I never had safety locks on my cupboards....and my daughter never got into anything hmmmmmm)Of course I never kept bleach and certain cleaners within her reach either but not because she was up and about, I just always stored those sorts of things elsewhere, even when I was not a mom and single. As for having to watch your own children while at your moms.....ummmmmmmmmmm never mind.

Answer 9

Just say no. Never risk endangering your children!