Toddler discipline? This is confusing!?

Question

My husband and I always seem to be butting heads over disciplining our 14 month old. She's been walking for nearly 4 months now and is into everything! Her favorite thing to do is to pull all our DVD's (we haev about 100) off of their rack and scatter them on the floor. Well, she understands 'no' so usually I'll just say 'no' firmly and pull her away from what she's doing. That seems to work pretty good, she stops what she's doing without my having to get up (just by saying 'no') about half the time now. Well my husband makes thinsg SO much more difficult. He thinks I'm too strict with her and I'm not letting her be curious. I let her play with all ehr toys of course and occasionally with my things (which she is so interested in) like my makeup containers or pots and pans etc. But on other thinsg (like the dvd's or the stuff in the pantry), I think stuff needs to be OFF LIMITS no matter what. When he watches her and I'm out and about, I come home to trashed house. It is so frustrating

and we argue about it often. Am I being overstrict or is he being a lazy parent?

Answer 1

I have this same issue. The thing is, you need to really think about what you tell her no about...but think of it this way. I let my 13 month old play with my makeup, pots and pans, and things like that. I personally don't mind her "playing" with my DVDs only because she knows to be careful and she usually just picks them up and brings them to me so that's fine. However, you and your husband need to think about this...you don't want her playing with the DVDs which is fine. This also means that when she goes to someone else's house, she'll understand that she shouldn't play with them their either. That's a good thing b/c a lot of people are particular about stuff like that. You both need to sit down and think about what you let her touch at home b/c you both may not mind which will teach her it's OK, but when she goes to someone else's house they may not like it...especially with "valuables" or things that can be easily messed up.

I really think you need to talk it over with your husband but set a time. Don't just come home and start arguing...that leads to fighting. Set a time and a date then tell him WHY you don't want her playing with certain things. And maybe meet some mutual agreement. The problem with you saying no and him letting her is that she will learn she can do it while you're not around...or she'll get in trouble by you for playing with them and not understand b/c "it's OK" with Daddy.

One last thing that I can see as a possible future problem. If you guys agree to set boundaries and compromise make sure you discuss this: it's not "Mommy said you can't play with that." That places the blame on you...you may be the one who does not want her to play with it, but that is a means of saying, "Daddy doesn't mind...be mad at Mommy." Many times it's not on purpose, but it can still cause issues. I still remember when I'd want to do something and my mom would say, "You can't because your Dad said no" and I still remember how mad I'd be at my Dad even though my mom is the one that said no. Just say, "You don't play with that." Period.

Answer 2

Sounds like you and your husband need to come to an agreement. Obviously you can't let her grab EVERYTHING, but there are certain things you can be lax about. Perhaps but a couple of empty dvd cases in her toys...remember if it is something forbidden, that is the FIRST and only thing they want to play with, even at such a young age. Decide what should be off limits, and remove it from her sight and/or reach until she is old enough to understand that those are mommy's or daddy's and she can't play with it. At 14 months old, she can't quite grasp that concept. Plus it is never too early to have her start picking up. (the father, either for that matter) Sit with her and say its time to put this away, and show her how. It will take a while, but believe me, kids pick up on that concept pretty quickly, especially if you make it fun and make a big deal out of it when she does pick up. Before you know it, she will be picking stuff up on her own, because she knows where it goes. Good Luck!

Answer 3

This is a very difficult situation. I have a 2 year old and thankfully my husband and I pretty much agree about discipline but my sister is in the same situation as you. I would sit down with him and explain to him why it frustrates you and how you're the one who always has to clean up after her. Tell him that you want her to explore and discover the world, but certain things are off limits and she needs to know that now. Perhaps you could put your cds/dvds into a book (take them out of their covers and put the covers away for now). When she does touch things that you don't want her to touch, try distracting her by offering an alternative rather than saying no all the time. And really try to make your husband understand exactly why you atre doing this. At least you're not smacking her or anything, so he really doesn't have too much to complain about. Also ask your husband to clean up prior to you returning home so that way you won't be upset at the mess and it works out fairly. He'll soon get tired of picking up things all the time and will understand your point a little better.

Answer 4

I'm in that exact possition. I think that by starting the concepts of "okay" and "not okay" you'll make easier for yourself later. If she doesn't learn "no" it can lead to many accidents in the near future. It doesn't have to do with not supervising, that's why they're called accidents. If she's never been told no what's she going to do when she can't pull everything off the shelf in a store? or when she can't come in the kitchen while you pull dinner out of the oven so she destroys the livingroom? The DVD's aren't really the issue it's the concepts behind it. My son, who's always been mellow and listened fairly well, has been turning into a monster since about 16 months and I'm sure he'll only get worse for a while. (17 1/2 mos. now) At 14 months I was hoping he'd skip most of the terribles in his twos, silly me. But I don't know what I'd do if he didn't have evn a concept of good behavior. When I turn to answer the phone and look back to see him getting on a chair to climb onto the diningroom table I expect to be able to say "No" and have him stop so I can help him down. Not climb up to have free rein of my crystal bowl.
I did however move the DVD's to the computer room to cut down on scattering. It's no more hassle for us and he only pulls them all out to find the one he wants. I put his on the shelf he empties first the most. Be patient, it's easier to train her than him, but he's old enough to grasp the concepts of "punishment", Good luck and don't let them bully you into putting the baby in charge, she'll try that enough as a teen.

Answer 5

I have a 30 month old and a 15 month old and we did and do the same thing as you do with your little one. I think you're doing the right thing for you and for her. Until she is old enough for time outs she needs some type of discipline and order; this way she will be easier to control the older she gets. And trust me when the two's come around (and sometimes sooner than 2) you and your husband are going to appreciate that yall taught her to obey yall when she was younger otherwise she's gonna be the toddlers you always see at the stores screaming and running around and the parent(s) are about to pop out of frustration. It's great that she has things that are off limits b/c it helps her to know that she can't do anything she wants to and tear up anything. She's old enough to understand that certain things are off limits and if she crosses that line then she'll get in trouble and it is a good character builder for the future. Plus, if you are the one that has to clean up then I think your husband should respect the fact that you don't want to be continuously cleaning up after your child if you don't have to.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Sounds like its time to baby-proof your house. Remove dangerous things and things you dont want her to get into. Put things up out of her reach and please have a serious discussion with your husband about being a team - a united front, because if you dont, your child will start to go to one parent or the other depending on what answer is desired. Those small people are learning how to manipulate things in their world (like you and your husband) to get what they want. Its their job, so join forces and create a safe happy place for your chilld to play and explore. That way the CDs become a non-issue. Your house just isnt the same after a baby comes home. Its their house now too.

Answer 7

Are we married to the same man? I have the exact same problem. I have twins 22 months old and when he has to watch them you might as well say all hell has broke loose. I can also say no to them and they listen. He says no and they think it is a game because he laughs while he's saying it. He believes that kids should have free reign of the house. There are things I believe should be off limits also. I have also came home and found the house trashed. He says that the kids "overpowered" him. I feel for you because I go through the same thing. I wish you luck.

Answer 8

I think that the two of you should try to find some kind of compromise. My suggestion would be that you compromise by letting her touch things that wouldn't be hurt or ruined by her doing so, but he has to compromise by cleaning up before you return home. I think that even better than that, however, would be to start teaching your daughter to clean up. You can sing the clean up song, or even make clean-up time some sort of game because, I agree, she shouldn't be able to throw all your things around and just walk away.
You should teach her what she is allowed to touch and what she isn't allowed to touch and tell her that she can touch x, y, and z as long as she puts the things away afterwards. Of course she will need some help cleaning up because she is so young, but this will help her gain a better understanding and respect for her things.
Hope this helps!

Answer 9

I agree with you. Just remember that your child is reaching an age where she needs the same thing all the time. If you tell her no and he says yes then she will get confused and you really don't want that. Also remember this, if you let her do it now then there is no stopping her and the older they get, the more they dont want to listen. The earlier you start the better off you are and don't worry, you are doing the right thing. Talk to him and Good Luck.

Answer 10

In an Ideal world we would all be perfect parents and spend hours every day teaching our kids not to touch stuff.Meanwhile back in the real world I found it easier to move anything I didn't want the kids to touch out of reach.When they get to be about 3 you can bring these things back in gradually.By then the child is old enough to understand not to touch certain things.A 14 month old baby will always pull the DVDs out cos it's fun!