I just want someone to hear me?

Question

Hi, I'm very sad because my father continuously let us down, to us, his family. I tried to complain in yahoo chat... but I just received a lot of "you are an adult, work and move out"But I can't move out (I'm 19) with what money I'm going to live? Girls moving out at 19 just doesn't happen where I live, because there is no way they can support themselves, and because it's two dangerous. I just wanted to... like someone that could hear me.
My dad has been like this since forever, he dinks, doesn't care about us, we always feel bad cause he is on and off working, and doesn't make money. He gets late drunk and violent. Why he can't change? He had so many oportunities! My mother even divorced from him, and now they are back together, and he supossedly changed, but thigs keep happenning. When they went through divorced he wanted to kill us or something and we slept all in one room and locked up at night.

He didn't have education, because his father died when he was 12, and they were very poor at his house, so he had to work to support his mother and brothers. he never knew better, his father was a drunk, and abusive. But still, why?? If my mother left him right now, he wouldn't have a place to go, i don't think is right to leave someone like that. It's like a pain in my chest, that he is like this. He isn't happy either. I am studying at the university, and muy brother too, and we both live at home, not because we are lazy bastards, but because that's how people study here, unless they live far, in that case they have to pay for a room. So I can't just "move out", cause I live "in his house, by his rules" like that people in the chat said. I wonder if it was a cultural difference. Maybe they don't understand. Or maybe they are right and I'm wrong.

Moving out is absurd for me... what is the gain in moving out and leaving my family alone?

Answer 1

Have you ever thought about escaping to college or moving out with a good friend or relative?

Answer 2

Check with a women's shelter and maybe you can get some help getting out.

Get a job and start saving money. Find a couple of quality friends who need to rent an apartment with you. Meanwhile maybe you can get a job at a hospital and work nights so that you aren't around when he is drunk. Do what you can to not only save yourself, but also make your own life better.

I started working at age 13, bought all my clothes etc. I paid for my own college and my own wedding. You can work hard and pull youself out of this dysfunction.
Please don't repeat your famly problem. Be the one who changes the family history.
Education is the key to a better life.
Don't end up like your mom tied to an abuser. So many kids repeat what their family did. Spend hours at the library if you have to. Don't drink or drug or you will be JUST like him.

Get to an Alanon meeting. Do whaever you can to not be at home. Do you have any famimly or friends you can stay with once in awhile.

Save save money. Do some reading on how to be sucessful. Find your passion in life and go after it.

If you have surrived 19 years with him....you will shine in your new life.

You have the choice to make it work. You can do it. It will take some time, but each day you waste you could of been one day further away from your situation

Answer 3

It sounds like you are from a cultural background. I can understand that you cannot move out of home cos of your financial situation and cultural beliefs and 19 in your culture is probably not old enough to leave, which is why some people from western culture cannot understand. So really if you dont think you can leave then you have to find a way to live with your situation. I am wondering do u have family that you can move in with, if you dont then you need support from someone in your community, a priest, or an elder, it is sad that you are in this traumatic situation and I do feel for you. Praying also helps and even though you have no one in the whole world, you always have god to talk to, you need to talk to someone who can give you advice and will be sensitive culturally.

Answer 4

Ok someone listened do you feel better now? Did it change anything? You can feel bad because someone acts badly (in this case your father) but you can not change them. Unless he wants to change and activiley works toward that goal things are not going to change. You can either move out which you said was not an option or you can just try to stay out of the way till you can move out. If you mom left him he would be HIS fault. Why should she be miserable when he makes no effort. Your choices are limited but wanting someone to listen to you while it may help get it off your chest other than that whats the point?

Answer 5

Sweetie keep your head up, and find a happy places. Hear my advice, one: you seem to know what most of his problem are try one time to talk to him, just like you needed for someone just to hear you maybe he does to, but, just hear him don't speak let him get all of it out and then offer words of encouragement "Where all in this together" something like that. sometime when people only know bad times there scared of what will happen when things are good so they make sure there are none "missed opportunities"
two: If that don't work then people don't know what they have till they ain't got it no more, stop talking and start showing him there are consequences for his actions, starting with what he loves the most. 3: run aways to NYC and work as a call girl till your done with school or die.

Good luck

Answer 6

look i dont know if this would help or no but im trying my best to advise u. i think you should just try to get a job that would support ur family even though if it was a little u might feel a little indipendant im not asking you to move out but whateveer u can do u should work even though it dosent happen where u live u have no other choice. its ur resposnsibilty. if he tried to kill u its an offence and u arnt safe lodge a complaint coz there are many things happening that arent safe for u

Answer 7

My guess is you are somewhere in Asia. In that case it is a common thing here. But it is sad. You are studying, so finish it as best as you can. Options are less but they are there. Many people have given good advice. You have to stay strong. At 19 you can make people listen to you and do many things. Just wait for the right moment.

Answer 8

Do u have some small brothers and sisters, on whose account u don't want to leave ? If yes, then try to pull along till they're of age then all of u can move out, till then, study well, concentrate on ur studies, the better ur at ur studies, the better job opportunities, all the best

Answer 9

You say you can't move out..but that eliminates 1/2 of your options! So stay and put up with it. After all this time you should know by now he is NOT going to change! (find a job and a roommate to split expenses with!)

Answer 10

i can understand u...coz in my country also it's not easy to move away from our family in this age...
i know it's hard for u to live with a father as urs.. i think u will never be able to change ur father neither ur mom can change him coz he is addicted... he started to drink coz as u wrote, he lived a hard life when he was young... he held a big responsibility..

i don't know, i can tell u to talk with ur mother about this subject... she should talk to him but not by shouting...they should speak together alone as a conversation...she might convince him..
it's not easy...but let her try..or even u or ur brother try to talk to him but silently not by shouting...and not 2 together..1 person only should talk to him... i can tell u it's a complex in him..