Was it wrong that I said this to my 13 year old stepdaughter?

Question

My husbands ex and her husband seem to go out of their way to keep my stepkids from being close to my husband. These kids have been raised to call my husband by his first name and to call their stepdad "Dad". I dont have an issue with them calling the stepdad "Dad" but I feel it is disrespectful for them to call their real dad by his name, like he is some distant relative, and that is how they treat him too. I try to remember that it is how their mom and stepdad have raised them, but it still infuriates me, because my husband has not done anything to deserve that. He just doesn't stand up to her unless I encourage him to, and I can see this hurts him. Anyways, the other day I heard my stepdaugher call him by his name for like the 6th time that day, and I finally just told her that I thought that was very disrespectful and that I didn't care what the "Rule" was at their moms house, that in our house they are not to call my husband by his name. She got mad but I was fed up. Comments??

by the way, the younger stepdaugher does the same. Well unless they want something, then it is dad.

And I did tell my husband to talk to his ex, and he told her what all I had said to his daugher, and also told her that the youngest also calls him by his name and the woman had the nerve to say that it was their choice what they called him. Correct me if I am wrong, but in order to make a "choice" don't you have to have at least 2 different things to choose from. Having been told most of their lives to call my hubby by his name, is not a choice in my book.

Answer 1

Good for you! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with what you said to her. Personally i think your husbands ex is a *****, wether or not they spend more time with their step dad these kids need to realize that your husband is their REAL father. I understand how sometimes when a child is raised by their stepfather and dont know who their real father is they sometimes reffer to him as dad. But these kids are fortunate enough to know who their real father is, and more than that they are lucky enough to have him in their lives. They need to give him the respect he deserves. If anything i think you should even take this a step farther and talk to her mom if this starts to become an issue. Because clearly she has been playing a big role in this.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like the mother and step father are doing something typical. Some parents try to demean another by telling the children to act in a manner that is wrong. Having your kids refer to another parent by first name strips away a level of respect. Then on top of that have a step parent being called dad it just isn't cool. It's true what goes at one parents house doesn't apply at the other's. I'm sure your husband does not like having his children call him by first name. The two of you should talk it over first. If the feelings are mutual then that's the rule. I'm sure mom and step dad are gonna feel some kinda way about. Who cares. It's your house so that's the way it goes. What you did is was done out of frustration. You could have approached it earlier with a little more tact when you were not pissed off. Either way it would have been done.

Answer 3

You might explain to your stepdaughter that "mom" "dad" are "titles" that a person EARNS. Like "attorney", "judge", "reverent' are tiles, too. Sounds like your husband has "earned" the title, therefore you are right in insisting they show him respect. He is not their equal, either, he is in a position of authority and the use of his title shows respect for his "headship", which is important to show her that where ever she goes in life, she will always have someone above her, if she learns this, she will get along just fine, if she doesn't, she will run into difficulties. She will someday have children of her own and she will want them to call her "mom".
The last thing a child wants to hear from a step-parent is a lecture, but an explanation will go a long way. I'm sure she is very smart. By the way, you were disrespecting her when you told her that you didn't care about the rules of her house, think when you speak, and choose a few intelligent words to make your point, along with a compliment or two. Example: I wanted my stepdaughter to clean the windows, she never helped around the house. Instead of assigning the chore to her, I asked her to help me do the windows and when we finish we would go shopping for that special dress she wanted. She was happy to share the chore and did a good job. Now, I could have ordered her to do it or asked her dad to make her do it, but it would not have worked out as fast and nicely as it did if I had. Get the picture? By the way, she was 16 years old. Good Luck!

Answer 4

What a mess! The most important thing is for each child to feel loved by both of you. Once they feel that unconditional love from you and your husband, this problem will become much easier to handle. Please read "The Five Love Languages of Children". This will greatly improve your relationship with the children. And, whether or not you and your hisband have a good marriage, try reading "The Five Love Languages". This will turn a good marriage into a great one!!

Answer 5

I see your dilemma and agree with you that it is wrong. It is disrespectful, but not by the girls, by their mother. I do think though that when children are trying to balance double families it gets very hard for them if pressure is put on them from one, especially to aggravate the other. Children should not be used like this and forced to take a middle ground.

I don't think your husband should talk to his ex. She has done this intentionally. What I think instead is that you should take your stepdaughters aside and have a stepmum talk to them. Explain how much their dad loves them, how much he wants them there, how happy he wants them to be, but that he does get very hurt by them not calling him dad like other fathers are. Tell them you love them as their stepmum too, and ask them if they see you as their second family . If they don't what can we do to make it so because we need to be family too.

All children need to feel they are loved and needed, some are mature and understanding and there is a good chance that they will say to their mother -"No, Dad deserves to be called my dad and I only have one dad. Maybe stepdad can be called stepdad like our stepmum is"

Good luck. It is a tricky one. Let me know how you go.

Answer 6

Been there, done that. He should inform her that he will expect her to call him only dad and he will answer to nothing else. So what if she got mad, she'll get over it. One day she may be able to think for herself and see her father through her own eyes instead of through her mother's. Until then, just do the right thing because in this case, she and the mother are in the wrong.

Answer 7

No ti don't thinkl you were wrong but the problems does not lie on the shoulders of the kids it is on the other parents you need to sit down with them and decide what the rules will be that they can not insisat that the girls call him by his name in his own house twhen they are with her they can reffer to him that way in there moms house but when they are with you they should show the respect that he deserve and if they don't like it them until they do they won't be able to do the thing they want.
But really you need to talk to the ex both of you

Answer 8

i think you did the right thing its you and your husbands house and y'all make the rules and i do think that it is wrong that the kids call there own dad my his first name...you call somebody you just met by there first name not your mom or dad i would tell the kids that they live in your house but when they are in your house they call there dad..well dad or at least that's what i would do

Answer 9

Even though this is concerning your husbands affair it was something in his life before you came along ,,,, It's commendable that you feel the way you do and I understand it completely ,,,, It speaks volumes about how you feel about him ,,,, But obviously your input into the situation has done nothing to change or rectify the problem and could ,,,, if you aren't careful ,,,, become a bone of contention between you and him if you don't back off ,,,, Apparently nothing you've said so far has doned any good and to keep harping on it Just might produce a negative effect and back fire on you ,,,, Maybe ,,,, Now that you've expressed your thoughts and feelings on the matter ,,,, It might be better for you to chill down a little and give what you've said a chance to sink in ,,,, Like I said ,,,, You've already put your two cents worth in ,,,,Sit back and see what kind of return you get on it ,,,, It doesn't sound like it's done any good yet though,,,, I think maybe it's time for him to deal with it as he see's fit ,,,, I mean he could always say something to them to the effect that if they can't refer to him by the title fitting his status then don't call him anything ,,,, but it's up to him to come to terms with this matter if he's so moved to do so ,,,, From the way you describe her ,,,, His X is a real winner ,,,, It's probably good that there aren't more like her ,,,, Let's see ,,,, How does it go ?? Hell has no rath like that of a womans scorne ,,,, Sounds to me like she is the perfect inspiration behind that saying ,,,, She must be very lonely in her life even though she has a husband and kids ,,,, and is hard up for something to do or gossip about ,,,, Later on in life after she's gained a little experience of her own ,,,, His daughter and the others might have a big change of heart and see things for what they are ,,,,, Right now she's only 13 and under the influance of a vindictive woman and can't see the truth or situation as it really is ,,,, Don't write her or the others off as a loss though ,,,,, Give them a chance to grow up and look at things from their own prespective ,,,, Your raising hell about this woman might just be right up her alley and anything you say to his kids about their lack of respect just might be exactly what his X want's to hear ,,,, Don't give her any more fuel and she'll eventually burn herself out ,,,, Her taking shots at your husband all the time could eventually back fire and wind up sinking her own ship ,,,, At any rate all you can do is just sit back and watch ,,,, and be there when he needs you ,,,, His X just might be the one that winds up lonely because it doesn't seem that she's putting on a very good face for her present husband right now ,,,, Put yourself in her husbands place ,,,, Do you think you'd want to spend the rest of your life with a person like that ,,,,I personally don't think so unless he's a total idiot and can't think for himself ,,,, ? Wait and see what transpires ,,,,

Answer 10

and dad also has a choice. he can set the rules for his home. either call me by 'dad' or don't get answered.
i would have put up with the first name basis thing for about a minute or so before i opened my big mouth to their mother (face to face). you are a much better person than i.
these kids are old enough to be taught the difference between moms rules and dads rules. they can either deal with it or they can DEAL WITH IT.
those girls are old enough to be sat down and have it explained to them that their father is more than a sperm doner. he is their father and they WILL respect him as such. it's not their fault that mom and dad divorced, but they do have to deal with it. don't let them walk all over him and take advantage of him because of his guilt (the guilt all parents face). don't let them 'play' their parents against each other.

let them know that by calling dad by his first name could cause them (the kids) more trouble than they are willing to deal with. you can always go to court for custody. then they would really be in for it. they would be all kinds of up in the middle of things because of their words! people fighting around them so much that they don't get any attention payed TO them - only ABOUT them.

do they even know what natural consequences are?