Parenting help please!!!!!!?

Question

How as a parent do I learn to have tough love with married 20 year old and her husband who refuse to grow up and make it on their own? Before you answer please understand that I love my daughter very much and would do anything in the world for her. But the more I do for the two of them the less they do for themselfs financially. I am at my ropes end and have put my own finances in jeapardy bailing them out. I go to work everyday at a job I am not inlove with but I go because it pays my bills. Will they ever stand on their own as long as we bail them out?

This is for Wonderin, I like that suggestion.If only it were that simple I have talked to both of them until I'm blue in the face. Have you ever heard the old saying"in one ear and out the other" ? It was written about them.

These are wonderful answers and I appreciate your support. To add alittle info to help you understand more clearly, they do have their own home that was given to him by his father, it is the other stuff they have problems with. Like lot rent, light bill grocerys........And she doesn't work and he does construction work with his dad....EXAMPLE, He hasn't worked a day in two weeks and they plan on going to Ohio next week, so he won't be working then either......What I need to know is how to go about this tough love thing.It's new to me.

Answer 1

Here is what I did with my 19 year old step son who was doing the same thing. He was "nickle and dimming" us to death and thought well it is only a little here and there how bad can it be.

Get a notebook, write down EVERY penny you have helped them with in the last 30 days. Once you have a total amount, put it in an envelope. The next time your daughter or her husband ask for a little help, give them the envelope as they walk out the door. If they ask where is the money tell them "you already spent it, there isn't any."

The first time they get their electricity shut off or get evicted and you resist the urge to help them (at least for a week) it will be a real eye opener to them.

Set some boundaries with them, for example if they are both working steadily and need a little help then you will do what you can, but if they are not working they get NO help.

Don't let them make you feel guilty!!!!! They need to grow up and face life on life's terms.

Answer 2

I really feel for you. I am 24 and I only have a 2 year old BUT I can only imagine that if she were in a "tight", no matter what I had to do, or what the circumstances, I'd want to help her (as an adult)...THAT SAID--My parents raised me to be VERY independant and now that I'm an adult and I have my own family and my own home and my own bills, I have more of a problem asking for help, even when I really need it. You sound like a wonderful mother, very loving and caring, but just because you say "NO" doesnt mean you love them any less. It just means you love yourself a little more. Telling them no on a regular basis (when they could really do it for themselves) only puts you in a better position to help them out IF they REALLY needed it (you certainly dont have to tell her that, just keep that to yourself). Think about it like this: when your daughter was 2, and she reached for something that would hurt her, you told her no, right? Its the same principle. By supporting her financially and not being able to tell her no when she asks for $, you're allowing her to "stick her finger in a light socket" or "touch the stove" and its leaving "scars" on her character. Because you are such a loving mother, you DO have it somewhere in yourself to tell her no, because you know that is what is best. In the long run, you're fulfilling your parental duty by nurturing and encouraging her to grow and mature into an adult. She will become a strong and independant woman and will thank you for helping her emotionally, not financially. I do agree, with CHos3n up top...you didnt create this monster overnight and you wont be able to extinguish it overnight either....

Answer 3

Only twenty and married? Not exactly a mature relationship from the start. Is either one working? If they can act like adults being married they can assume the work that goes with it. You have not stated but I get the feeling they are living with you? If they are I would give them 120 days to get their affairs in order and move out. There will be no extensions.
If they are giving you ten cents worth of problems I would toss them out. I have a problem with young folks past eighteen years of age that have not started figuring out that life is not a free ride.You can let them know you may help if you can but don't rely on it because you have your own life to worry about.
There does come a time when you have to set your foot down. Some children grow up and do well and others never do, and parents get the blame more often than not when it goes bad. If it goes well than the child was wonderful and little is mentioned about the sacrifice of a parent for the kids to do well.
You have your life to live and cannot live theirs for them. It may sound harsh but sometimes people need to fail in order to work for things and fall in order to stand tall.

Answer 4

My mom is having this same problem with my sister and hasn't found a solution. I'm not that great at giving advice, but I'm going to try. To answer your question, no, they will never stand on their own as long as you're bailing them out. They know that you're always there to help them so they let things get out of hand. Advise your son-in-law to find another job because clearly the one he has isn't putting the bread on the table. They could also apply for food stamps if they have children, and DES can assist with paying the bills as long as they are trying.

Answer 5

Your daughter will only do what she has to. If you enable her to be jobless and take trips on your account, then she will. Why not...it's fun for her....just...not for you. Sounds like your taking on all the stress of their finances along with yours so they can relax and enjoy life. Well........good news!!! She's grown and it's your turn to relax and enjoy life a little. If your hesitant about the tough love theory, then do it without being so.......tough. Tell her that you would love to continue helping them as they struggle with their finances. But make it perfectly clear, that you cannot afford to. There is absolutely no money to spare for their expenses. If they really think it's not there, they won't beg, plead or cry about your stopping the money train. They will do what they have to, by getting a job and evaluating their financial situation. They might even grow up...together.....what a great way grow closer in a marriage. Best of luck.

Answer 6

I will answer this from your daughters piont of view. I was the same way w/ my mom. Cut Them Off! Even tho it is embarassing to admit, there is no way I would have ever grown up unless my mom had put a stop to it. She just got tired of giving me $$, and realized she was enabling me. She only watched my son while I worked. (NO date nights, NO fun with my friends) No more money!! She did explain why she was diong this, and it was a long time comming. She helped me make a budget, Including putting $$ into a savings account. She cut up all my credit cards, and sold my car so I had to buy a less expensive one that I could afford the payments on. It was the best thing she ever did for me!!! Your daughter might be angry, but she will thank you in the long run. You are just hurting her by giving her everything. Take your life back...You are a good mother!

Answer 7

Nope, they sure won't. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we realize the only way to get out is to climb. So be the bad guy. They'll thank you for it later. Oh, but keep in mind... well, I noticed you mentioned HIM first. So...if you leave her to her mess, and she comes to her senses & leaves him, help her out. But only enough for her to get right back up on her feet BY HERSELF.

Alright, so let me tell you how this works: The more they're spoiled, the more they're apt to do the "poor me" crap (my living situation). That said, get it into your head right now that you DO NOT have to accept any sort of guilt, blame, or abuse.
If daddy gave this guy a home, and he works for daddy, then daddy can pay the bills. If daddy isn't a glutton for punishment and knows when to say no, then it looks like somebody's gonna have to put in some hours somewhere, or cry about it. But what good does that do? Come on, now.
So you find it hard to turn your back.... You just might have to, at least for a little while. If she asks for money, tell her you haven't got any. You don't even have five dollars. Sorry.
Wait until their cupboards are bare, and chip in...MINIMALLY. Go spend $20-$30 on the absolute basics. Shop for it YOURSELF, and take it to them. At the same time you take them their groceries, bring the classified ads, and information for your local food pantry, welfare office, and community health clinics. If they only have one vehicle and he uses it "to go to work," let them know she'll be dropping him off and picking him up, and looking for a job while he's there. If and when she finds a job & it doesn't coordinate with his work schedule, you may buy her a bus pass or bring her a bicycle. And not a brand new $500 mountain bike, either. Think "thrift." If her wardrobe is not capable of fending off the winter weather, bring her a coat, hat, scarf, and gloves. Again, think "thrift."
The only reason you should ever have to chip in for ANYTHING is if ends just don't meet. But to tell you the truth, it wouldn't hurt to make them figure it out for themselves, anyway. It's the only way they will truly become self sufficient.

And as I said before, if it comes to be that she needs a place to rest her weary head when things just haven't worked out (think 6 months or more from now), mom's door is always open. But you don't have to shoulder responsibility for anyone but your own child, and when that child is grown, you really shouldn't have to do that, either.

Answer 8

I watched a Dr Phil show that had something similar to this. You need to draw a line and no matter what not go past it. If it means that they get their cars repossessed and can't go out with their friends to party then so be it. Give them a certain amount of time to have jobs and get an apartment. If I had had someone to bail me out when I was younger I would never of become the strong independent person that I am now. It is obvious you love your daughter and want what is best for her, but you need to put your foot down and keep it down.

Answer 9

Ok, so they don't listen to your words, why should they? Your actions speak louder. And so long as you keep "helping" (enabling) them to depend on you they will.

You know how to live on a budget (making the money cover the bills), consider writing yours down on paper. Include in it the amount you have given/budgeted to cover their expenses. Details help. $x for gas, $x for toilet paper, etc. Then draw up a new budget for the next month or week (you decide) with a lower amount for their column. Each increment of time the amount going to them is going to decrease and they can see it right there on paper. Withing 6 months (if you choose to be generous) their column goes to zero. Black and white, no whining, no begging, no giving in. Follow the rules of being a good steward and do not fudge on your commitment to wean them off of mommy's supply. Emergencies? Oh that's included in the budget--put away the money you've saved, because there's bound to be some big ol' need right about 5 months into this. By giving them a time of weaning, they have the opportunity to make good choices about how to use their money and the money you've supplied to them. Just cutting them off won't help to heal either of you. Good parenting can teach even our married children and their parents how to live responsibly.

Answer 10

You need to start saying no. As long as you provide financial support they will neither one face the reality of working, paying bills and taking responsibility for themselves and their expenses. Sometimes reality has to hit young people over the head before they start to grow up and face responsibility. Forcing them to stand on their own would be more loving than constantly bailing them out.Just lay out the facts that you are unable to financially handle their expenses and pay your own bills. Let them know you don't have the means and you expect them to get jobs and budget their income to meet their own expenses.