Should 4 year olds sleep with Mommy Still?

Question

my wife and i have tried to get my 4 year old son to sleep by myself,but everytime we try it he comes out of the room saying i need a hug,water,gotta go pee ETC. PLEASE HELP

Answer 1

Should have never slept with her in the first place.

Be strict, be firm, no giving in. Night after night.

Answer 2

Make sure he gets tucked in with hugs and kisses and leave a small cup of water near him in his room. Let him get up and use the bathroom whenever he has to, just leave a night light on in the bathroom. If he comes out because he has to pee, tell him to go ahead and use the bathroom and then go back to bed.
Let him know you are only tucking in and saying goodnight once.
If he comes downstairs tell him to go back. Start taking away priveleges if he gets out of bed for anything other than using the bathroom. Have a talk and explain that once he is in bed he needs to stay in there. Explain ahead of time what he will lose once he gets out of bed and asks you for something. And then take it away. (it could be a tv show he wants to watch or an outing) Then you would say, "OK, son, since you did not stay in bed like you were supposed to, you are not going to (fill in the blank) tomorrow, we will stay home instead." and put him back to bed. And then the next day, don't let him have the thing you took away.
When he does finally stay in bed all night, make sure he knows you are proud of him. Tell him he did a good job and that you knew he could do it.

Answer 3

This is a very controversial issue, however, common sense dictates that it is psychologically unsound for you & your wife, or your child. The longer you enable the little manipulations you mention, the more difficult it will get. You don't have to be "mean"--just consistent. Make his room as cozy as you can, & if you think he has "fears" then keep a light on in his room, & if necessary, calmly check out the closet for hidden "monsters" & CLOSE THE DOOR. Appealing to his sense of "Big boys sleep in their own rooms" MIGHT help, but this child sounds like an attention getter, & the sooner you put a stop to his behaviour, the better. Be a bit of a manipulater yourself. Keep his favorite teddy bear, or whatever, ONLY in his room & tell him how lonely that bear will be without him. You've gotten lots of good advice, but I strongly urge you not to reinforce "being scared" (doesn't sound like he is!) Both you & your wife need to agree 100% on how you choose to cope with this.

Looking again at the answers, I want to add: "Rewards" for his good cooperation shouldn't be necessary, & only compound this little kid's desire to "get his way." I'm assuming you give him love, hugs, & affection during the day. "Rewards" are like saying--"If you're NICE, we'll give you candy" (or whatever) instead of instilling the fact being "nice" isn't an option, but THE WAY TO BE. Much luck to all of you...

Answer 4

No. You need to talk to your doctor right now. You are setting a huge precedent that will stay with him even when he's a teen. There is a method to getting your child to stay in his own bed which takes about 3 nights to work and will probably be the worst of your parenting life. It's hard to hear your child cry, but my daughter wanted to sleep with us all the time and I finally asked my doctor what I could do. It required talking to my child, but not going to her. It also required talking to him before the bedtime routine so that she understood that I would respond to her, but I would not come to her. I had to put gates up so that she would stay in her room, and listening to her cry was terrible. It takes strength and courage to know that ultimately you are helping him and there are several variations of this method. Most important, don't do anything until you speak to your doctor. You first need to make sure that he isn't fearful (which he is at the appropriate age to develop fears of the dark, of things in the closet or under the bed, etc.).

Good luck. You can get through this. You and your wife just have to work together and be strong and firm.

Answer 5

I let my kids set the pace. They all slept with me when they were babies - made the night feeds a whole lot easier, and did not get their own beds until about 2. The eldest started sleeping mostly in her own bed at 2 but would occasionally come in with us till she was about 5, the next one loved his own bed and only slept with us when he was unwell - this lasted till he was about 8, the youngest did not get his own bed until he was 4 (space was an issue) he is now 12 and still comes in with us sometimes.
Enjoy the time while it lasts - they grow up so fast, move on and have little time for the oldies. As long as they don't bring their girl/boy friends in as well what is the problem!

Answer 6

I don't think there's anything wrong with a four-year-old sleeping with his parents as long as everybody is happy with the situation. If you don't want him in your bed, though (which I can totally understand), there are a lot of kind and gentle ways you can get him not to sleep with you. Here are a few options:

1. Put a sleeping bag down in your room. Let him know if he wakes up he can come sleep on that but not to wake you up when he comes in.

2. Set up a reward chart where if he stays in his own bed he gets a star and so many stars he gets a toy or whatever reward you want. Don't punish, criticize, or scold him for coming in to your bed, but praise him lavishly when he stays in his own. Make a big deal about the star and rewards. You can also buy a bunch of small toys and wrap them up. Every morning he gets to unwrap one if he stayed in his bed all night, but not if he doesn't. Don't make a big deal if he doesn't, but if he does then lay on the praise. When the toys are all gone, you can ask him if he wants you to wrap them all up again and start over. A lot of kids like that idea (and it's better than having to keep buying more).

3. Set up a reward chart where if he stays in his own bed for six nights in a row he can sleep with you the seventh night. Make sure that night is a night where you don't have to get up early the next day in case you get lousy sleep.

There's no reason to be cruel, and night time can be scary for little ones, especially if they are expected to be far away in their own room. I wouldn't do anything that makes him cry or that terrifies him like forcing him to stay in his room or anything. He will outgrow wanting to sleep with you guys when he's big enough. In the mean time just do whatever you can to meet all of your needs- his need not to be alone and your need to get some sleep.

Answer 7

Well its up to you and your wife if you want you can always just put a toddler bed next to your bed and let him sleep their. Slowly move it further and further away from your bed. Then move it out to his own room. Trust me all kids do this and its so normal. Some people co sleep and some don't . That is a personal choice you have to make. Most kids will just up on their own want to sleep by themselves at a certain age. One good rule of thumb for bed time is set rules, like do a snack, brush teeth, pajamas and all. Read one story and one hug go pee one drink water, and in bed then their is no getting up period. Make a chart if he does good for a night not getting up he gets a sticker. No sticker for repeated offense. After he gets a set number of stickers do something fun like stay up late on Friday and have popcorn and movie what ever works for you and your family.

Answer 8

If you really want him to sleep in his own room put him to bed with a glass of water, and everytime he comes out just take him back in and say "It's time to sleep, you sleep in your bed." If he has a real need (like having to pee) obviously tend to that first.

You don't need to be cruel or let him scream, you just need to be firm and consistant.

He will realise he isn't getting anywhere by coming out he will stop doing it.

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Now if on the other hand you don't mind him sleeping with you and your wife doesn't mind. Don't let other people run your life. Your son will move to his own bed on his own eventually (though it may not be until he is 8 or 9)

Answer 9

I have a 4 yr old daughter and I went through the same thing when she was around 2. You have to be a strong parent and stick with you decision , if gets out of bed just grab his hand and put him to bed doesn't matter how many times it takes he'll learn it might take a while but you will succeed.

Answer 10

Everytime he comes out of his room, just quietly bring him back to his own bed. He is old enough to pee on his own, and doesn't need another hug or water after he has been put to bed. By giving in to him you are rewarding him for getting out of his bed. Watch Supernanny, the show has some great tips for dealing with young child behaviors.

Answer 11

He has to sleep by himself. Its going to take you guys a little time and patience, only because you aloud him to sleep with you for so long. Now you have to break him out of the habit. Give him his hug, water and be sure to let him go to the bathroom before going to bed. Plus, its time for you all to have your bed back. Let him know that being in his bed is for big boys and make sure that you encourage him and reward him when he does go to sleep in his own bed. There will be no exceptions be consistant and don't feel bad, its for the best for all of you guys.