Disagreement on parenting styles.?

Question

Me and my wife Monsa were discussing what parenting styles would work best for our future child (3 months pregnet). I believe in spanking because it was how I was brought up and I believe it works. She thinks spanking does not work. She thinks the child would react in violent manner towards their children. I'm not asking for if you think spanking is child abuse. We both belive its not. I'm asking for is how do we come to agreement on this matter. Any experienced parents out there. This will be my first born and all I really want is to see my child be raised in a good way and be succesful in life. So help please.

Answer 1

I won't get into the spanking debate. What's important is that you have a difference of opinion with your wife. I think what you and your wife need to do is sit down and discuss what the options/redirections/punishments will be, in what order, and to what extent. That way, if it gets to the point where nothing is working, you can say, "well, we tried w, x, and y...now it's time to try z"

My husband and I have VERY different ideas on religion, but we've come to our own compromise regarding how we will work it out with our daughter. What's most important in regard to ANY compromise situation is to have the plan laid out ahead of time and to present a united front. Otherwise, your child will quickly learn who to "play" and how to do it; kids are smart. :-)

Congratulations and good luck!

Answer 2

I believe in spanking, but only up to a certain age. I was spanked, and I think I'm all the better for it. All the times I got a spanking I defintely deserved it. All this crap about it emotionally scarring children is bull...I feel fine about it. People that talk like that are what I call "negotiators." I love seeing people negotiating with a 4 year old kid. I'm not negotiating with a 4 year old having a tantrum.

I do believe its wrong to beat your children...that can leave some scars, but there's nothing wrong with a well deserved spanking. At certain ages kids don't respond to much else but a spanking. After about 7 or 8 kids can understand that their actions have consequences and I don't really believe in spanking after that age. Some people have said that spanking make you not trust your parents...that's b.s. I tell my parents everything, and totally trust their judgment. I think the level of respect children show to adults has diminished b/c ppl haven't been spanking their children enough. Again, you can tell if a kid's parents have been negotiating rather than punishing...b/c a lot of them talk to adults in a rather smug disrespectul manner.

Answer 3

Spanking doesn't work. I know because I have two children and I've spanked. It does nothing but make the child cry and usually escalates the problem. It makes a situation spiral out of control. And I can assure you the child will not have learned anything from it. Whatever you spanked him/her for he/she will do again. The only thing I think happens when you spank is the you, as the angry frustrated parent, releases a bit of your own aggresion.

I've found the best thing for us is to set expectations. Whenever we do anything we tell the child what we're doing and what we expect. If we're going shopping I give the kids a quick run down of what we'll be doing and how I want them to behave. This works wonders! When they do happen to misbehave we use time outs with our youngest. Our oldest gets privelages taken away. But we rarely have to resort to any of that. Communication works the best. I get compliments all the time. On a flight in 2004 a woman was on the plane with her screaming child and she looked over at mine and asked "how do you do it?" It was simply, I told them what we would be doing and what they should expect and what I expected from them. Communication. Of course, when they're toddlers you can still do this. They won't understand everything but it is good to start young. When they are getting into things then you just redirect. There is no reason to spank or yell. Just redirect.

I was spanked as a child and I can tell you it did nothing but make me resentful of my father who I no longer have a relationship with. His way of parenting was to shame me and make me feel bad about myself. Spanking was a part of that. I don't want that for my kids and after having actually spanked and seeing it doesn't work anyway, I don't see why I should do it.

Answer 4

I Think that this country has gone down the tubes due to a serious lack in physical discipline (not child abuse). My father in-law has been a school teacher for 22 years, he was recently accosted by one of his students that refused to get off his cell phone during class. He suffered a black eye and a long lasting head ache. Children's moral fiber in this society has deteriorated to the point of no return. I was spanked but not on a regular basis. I think that the mere threat of being spanked was enough to make me respect my parents authority. I think the spanking is effective but might not be necessary but I bet the Columbine shooters were never spanked.

Answer 5

I believe that spanking a child teaches them that violence is OK. Neither of my sisters spank their children and all three children are growing up to be very respectful (most of the time) and well behaved. The oldest is 8 and the youngest is 2.

Spanking only teaches the child to fear their parents. It does not teach the child self control. The child needs to learn self control because you are not always going to be there to tell the child what to do. Situations may come up that you haven't talked to your child about, and your child will have to make the right decision. The only way your child can do that is if they have a good, internal sense of right and wrong. If there sense of right and wrong depends on what you spanked them for or didn't spank them for, them may have trouble when faced with a completely new situation.

Answer 6

Depends on the child. I can tell you there is a fine line between spanking and abuse. Professionals would tell you if you were abused as a kid, it's better to no spank. But you didn't ask that, so let me address what you did. Negotiate somewhere in the middle. It will come to you both. Try it her way and then both of you be willing to be flexible with your methods as you move forward with your parenting.

Answer 7

I believe in spanking. However if she does not want to, the main thing is that the two of you agree on something and consistently give the discipline you decide on. Do not choose different parenting styles. The child will pick up on this and use it to his/her advantage.

Answer 8

Ok, I can help. I raised two successful men (22 & 24).

Here is what I learned and what I followed. The only time I spanked a child, it was one hard jolting swat for safety only. If you child wants to touch the stove burner or run into the street or put his finger in an electric socket. Otherwise it was reserved only for when absolutely necessary and nothing else works (serious only).
The reason is when a child grows up with spanking and the pain inflicted they get used to it. It takes more and more pain to get your point across (and many patents cross the line of abuse when their tipical spanking no longer works). Spanking is useless in the end. It defeats the purpose of getting a child to trust you, love you, and bond with you for life. Why would you bond with someone who hurts you? You wouldnt would you? You child will grow up and when they do they question the hitting or they remember it and feel the pain over and over. The fear of spanking never goes away it is just repressed.

Now if you dont spank and leave it for safety issues only you child will respect you, and bond with you. A bond that can never be broken. Too many children who were spanked repeatedly as a child learn to love pain even when they fear it. They go out into the world as adults and they make horrible decisions. They marry the one who hurts them and they make lots of bad choices thinking that pain is normal and expected. Many turn to drugs, smoking, drinking for a release. All the while this was surpressed and only would come out in counselling.

There are better ways, find out what works for your child. Both parents MUST be on the same page (using the same form of dicipline). It is always best to use positive inforcement instead of negative reinforcement (spanking). Positives can be giving you child more one on one time with parent, stories at bedtime, play in the park, kids party, and more. Somthing the child enjoys to get the child to behave. The reason once again is: when you deprive a child of things (take away toys, take away fun, grounded to room) a child learns to cope without and then the dicipline stops working. You lose control.

When the child is small you can use a "time out policy" where the child sits, quiet, no interaction. But this only works for very young and only for a short time. As your child gets older you have to change things up. Alway, always make sure your child knows the rules so that if he breaks them there will be immediate consequences (something will happen). Make the punishment appropriate to the rule broken.
Example:
Child got in trouble at school.
Consequences for actions: Child must pick up litter around the outter perimeter of school grounds. Child learns not to do it again.

Child hits another kid.
Consequences: Child must write sentences (I must not hit others) every day after school for 5 days. Kids will learn this way.

Child breaks your glass vase being careless.
Consequences: child must earn money to buy another one. He can do work at home outside of chores to pay for it.

Child steals something in a store.
Consequences: Child must return item to manager and appologize for his actions. Bet they dont do it again.

These are the ways children learn to be a better part of the world in which they live. Not by being hit and then hitting back. I have seen first hand kids who get spanked when they are alone with a smaller child or baby they hit it. This is what they learned and they do it back. It makes sense, doesnt it?

Sure this is not true of all kids, some get around the pain and deal with it differently, but this is true of most kids.
Please do not spank. Read books on parenting they give you many options that really work. You child will be better rounded and happier I guarantee it. And they will grow up making wise decisions in life like marriage, jobs, education etc.

Congratulations. I wish I was starting all over again, a baby is a blessing.

Answer 9

I agree with outspoken.....my friend has a son that is 3 and she sends him to time out instead of spanking him....one day we were at the mall and she called his name and told him that he was going to get into trouble if he don't stop it...he responded to her by saying You can't put me in time out now....Now right there I would have busted his butt (not abusive) . Some kids need to be spanked sometimes....I have a 10 month old son and if he ever gets out of line with me i will spank him and let him know that everytime you do that you will get spanked...so i hope that you and your wife will resolve this issue.

Answer 10

I think it would be best to wait and see what works with the child after it gets older. Some kids don't have to be spanked. Taking favorite toys away and the like, seems to work with some kids. On the other hand, some kids are high strung and a quick swat on the bottom is all that will get their attention. It all depends on the temperment of the child. I have 2 boys and one of each temperment. I have one that threatening to take his toys away works well in getting him to behave. And I have one that is very high strung and has to have the occassional tap on the bottom to get his attention.