My mother has such a negative effect on me. I'm 22. What do I do?

Question

I'm the oldest of three kids. I recently graduated college and got a job, but for now, I live at home. I am trying to save money to move out, but right now I don''t have enough to buy a place yet, so I'm living at home to save.

Here's the deal: As long as I can remember, my mother has always been a fickle source of confusion for me. On the one hand, she's down-to-earth and a little bit of a partier. On the other, she is demeaning and demanding and often childish.

I often give her rides home if she is too intoxicated to drive, and I often clean up after big family parties. On one instance, she needed a ride to the train station, but I was running late for work and I couldn't drive her. Her feeling was that I should drop everything and give her a ride, and ended that statement by telling me to go **** myself.
She comments on my relationship with my boyfriend through snide remarks, and gives me the silent treatment when she's not happy with me. These are not isolated incidents.

Answer 1

Sounds like my mother except mine doesnt drink.

Well I can tell you love her regardless but you have to understand what you have withh your mother is what I was told is a TOXIC realationship and it wasn't health and I was told to just to cut her off no more contact. But I didnt listen. So really it would be up to you is this behavor you can handle if so just learn to laugh it off. Thats what I did I dont let her get to me anymore and I happier so try it be happy and learn to block out when she acts like that.
Thats just the way they are .
Just like Love is unconditional for children well even for parents love is unconditional. I love my mother even though shes ruins my life time and time again and put me through hell and back. But yet I still love her. I try to think maybe in her own way that how she expresses her emotions because maybe she doesnt know how to show feelings.
Sometimes children end up being the parent towards the parent.

Answer 2

Honey, my daughter is 21 and in college now. Your mother is missing out on the joys of having been blessed with such a wonderful daughter,YOU.
You continue to hold your head up and if you can, seek counseling with a Clinician/Therapist for 'talk therapy.' You need to know that you are perfectly OK the way you are and its your mother that has a problem. Also, AA provides more than enough locations nationwide because you could from their Adult Children of Alcholic meetings. I am one also. Your mother could have easily been my mother. I'm 49 and I still hear her voice of criticism yelling at me until I had no self esteem left. You'll be ok as long as you don't internalize her toxic behavior. I'm sorry but your plan to save money is not worth the loss of your peace of mind - MOVE ASAP.

Answer 3

I am sorry for what you are going through but the problem lies with your mom and not you. You are doing nothing wrong, except for enabling her behavior. She wants to live her life and no longer mothers you and she relies on you because she "knows" she can. You are being more responsible then she is and since you are always there for her, the one time you cannot, she gets angry. Save your money and move out and in the meanwhile do your best to let your mother be the adult and parent you. Let her know how you feel, if you can but most of all take care of yourself. It will be hard but she needs to know you can't pick up her pieces all the time.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Relationships with parents can be really difficult and one of the reasons is that though we are grown up we still long for our parents approval, even though all our live we have failed to get it. You need to be able to move into an adult/adult relationship with your mum and be able to say, that is her problem and I am not going to get upset. This is easier said than done and I would suggest couselling except if you are saving to move out you don't want to spend your money on that.
A book I found really helpful is called 'Families and how to survive them' by John Cleese and Robin Skinner and I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Harris. They help you look at your relationships and realise that you are not too blame for everything. It isn't easy changing the way you think but it is possible if you work at it. Living at home doesn't help but even when you move out there will be problems so it is good to try and sort things out and the only thing you can really sort out is yourself.

Answer 5

Your Mom has problems that probably have nothing to do with you. As soon as you can, get a place of your own and limit the time you spend with her.

My mother was a little like that. I always seemed to be the target of my mothers snide remarks and disapproval. I had two brothers, one older and one younger. My parents always favoured them. I left the country (England) 30 years ago, when I was 22, and now I visit my mother ever two or three years, and she comes to Canada to see me every couple of years, but we are not close.

After I left England, my brothers continued to be spoilt by my parents, and still are, but at least I am not around to see it. Mum just sold her house to my brothers for $120,000 LESS than it was worth, I'll get a box of chocolates for Christmas - hey, things don't change in my family!

However, I am a "good" daughter, I phone Mum every week, send letters and cards, but I don't let her negativity affect me. I have a good life and to be honest, I don't need my family as I am surrounded by my children, sons-in-law & daughters-in-law, wonderful friends and my husband's family, so I am truly lucky that I didn't really need my own family.

Be Stong!

Answer 6

One day say to your mom, may be I am not what you are looking for in a daughter, but I have tried to be a good daughter to you. and from now on I hope that we can get along better. Now do not hold your breath, she is not going to change, the only one that you can change is yourself. You will have to try and get out of their, so you can find peace, you seem like you have grown into, a well rounded young lady. So keep your head up high, try and do things to please yourself. and keep praying! Do not get upset when she gives you the silent treatment, to yourself just smile, and say, she will get over it, because you know within your heart, she will need you, before you need her. She may just be jealous of you, because you have turned out so great, so just keep up the good work, things will get better, and I will be praying for you!

Answer 7

Your mom sounds like a child. I think at this point the only thing you can do is continue to save up and get the hell out of there. Eventually you and your mom should get along fine when you don't live together. Been there done that.

Answer 8

I was in the same situation a couple of years ago. first off your mother is the one with the problem not you. You need to move out asap. Keep your head up it won't be like this forever.

Answer 9

It sounds like you need to find another place to live asap. Try looking for a room you can rent from someone else or share an apartment with so your expenses aren't to much.

craigslist.com is a good place to look.

Answer 10

You need to move out. Don't worry about buying a place right now just rent one and move out! She is not going to change.