Abortion or NO Abortion? Please help?

Question

My fiance just found out she was pregnant, but she was supposed to be on the the pill. Its only about 4 weeks along. We are having some relationship problems also, and its really not a good time for a kid, im only 23, and she is 21, and we can barely afford ourselves, much less a kid. Im really scared an upset, she is really calm, I think she might have planned it. So, that freaks me out also and Im really thinking about leaving her. Do you think it is wrong for me to want her to have a medical miscarriage, or early abortion, where you only have to take a pill this early. Plaease tell me your thoughts.

Answer 1

The pill is quite effective, but it is not 100% effective. It is certainly possible to get pregnant while on the pill. Just because she got pregnant and just because she is calm does not mean she planned it. If she did, of course that is reprehensible, but you don't know that yet and unless you have more substantial proof, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and be a good boyfriend by dealing with the situation maturely.

As others have said, it is her decision about whether to abort, and you both took the chance of her getting pregnant when you began having sex.

Listen to her and ask her what she wants to do. After really hearing her (she's the one who is pregnant--and she has to deal directly with any consequences of any decision that is made), then share your views--understanding the whole time that she makes the final decision and try to support her decision whatever that is.

Your relationship may or may not make through this crisis (it sounds like you're already on the verge of breaking up); irrespective, I suggest you behave in a way that would make you proud of your actions: think about yourself looking back on this 10 years from now--what actions would make you look back on yoruself with pride? Also, consider future relationships--I would never consider someone as a potential mate if I found out he skipped out on his pregnant girlfriend when young. Think of the long-term consequences.

Lastly, you and your girlfriend should consider going to planned parenthood together--they have counselors there to help with making these decisions and local resources available should your girlfriend decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. All the best to you both.

Answer 2

The "problem" with having sex for pleasure only, is that the main reason for it - procreation - is always lurking as a possibility, especially since no birth control is 100% effective.
Having said that, here is the problem for you. With the laws the way they are, the man has no parental rights until after the baby is born. Then, if he has proven himself worthy of custodial rights (by HIS actions alone during the pregnancy), he will be an equal or superior in the custodial aspect of parenting. If she decides not to abort, you don't have a leg to stand on as far as compelling her to make the decision.
Since we, as men, are only donors of an element used to create the life, we never have the same attachment to a child as a mother does. She has carried that baby, from conception to birth, and felt everything that the baby goes through. At birth, it is not only a physical experience for the woman, but a mental one as well. These two experiences, though, already began long before the birth.
The relationship aspect between you should NEVER be hinged on whether or not there is a child (born or unborn) involved. There will always be problems involved in a relationship. The result depends on how mature the parties are in handling the problems. If you're too young or unprepared for this child, then you were the same for the sexual event that produced them.
In my experience, there is never "a good time" to produce a child. Either you are prepared or not. Whether or not she planned it is irrelevant. You should also have planned it if you were having sex with her. You are an equal half of the reason it exists. Just because she reacts a certain way to a situation, doesn't mean that it was preplanned. If that were true, then we could assume that most doctors and other medical personnel must be serial killers, because mangled and dead bodies don't seem to bother them.
If the child or lack of an abortion is your only excuse for ending the relationship, then I can only think that you would have left her anyway. And think about this: if you do leave her, will it be a complete termination of communication between you two? If so, and she has the baby, what do you want her to tell them later in life about you? If you think she won't have to tell them anything, then you are not a realistically thinking person. Most children who grow up never knowing one of their parents, experience one of two things: 1) blame themselves for the parents break up, or feeling as if they were unwanted by the absent parent, sometimes even hated by them, or 2) they are launched into a lifelong, neverending quest to find the absent parent, for lack of information about them or never knowing where they came from.
And finally, if she has the abortion, do you really, honestly think that will solve all your problems and the two of you will live happily ever after? Obviously, you don't know what the process does to a woman. If a woman is unaffected by abortion, she is less human than a mother should be. Most if not all women, will never recover from the "lost" child. That's what it's like, losing a child. There's sorrow and an enormous amount of guilt associated with it. Even rape victims who abort experience the same thing. With no child present to blame your problems on, will you be able to cope with all of the feelings she will carry with her, or will that then become the reason to leave her? Then she won't have her child that she gave up for you, nor will she have you that she forever changed her life in the hopes of keeping.
In the end it comes down to accountability: you had the sex, no matter what the outcome could have been, and now you have to take care of your responsibility. Even if that choice is at this point totally in her hands.
There's a country-western song titled: "There Goes My Life"
Find it or have someone play it for you (suffer through it if you hate that kind of music). I guarantee you, it will give you more to think about than you ever imagined.
Believe me, children are not the curses that some "children" think they are. Times may be hard, but you can never replace the feelings that you get from being a parent. Nothing is comparable to the rewards of this experience.

Answer 3

I don't recommend having an abortion however, if you truly cannot provide for a child and your relationship was not sound in the first place then you both have a lot to think about. In my opinion you are not wrong in thinking about an abortion but this is something you both must agree on. People who shout at you 'no abortion' may have never been in the situation you have found yourselves in. Unfortunately time is not on your side and you're going to have to make this decision quickly.

I'm not going to lecture you about the 'it's time to pay the piper' because it's a little late. However, maybe someone else who is reading these answers will take the time to think about having sex and birth control. I know this is a very difficult time for you but you have got to stand up like a man and accept your responsibility. Unfortunately many people think birth control is the woman's responsibility and therefore if she gets pregnant the baby is her responsibility too. When you're willing to have sex with someone you have to realize there may be consequences. People need to realize that sex is not just a moment of satisfaction it can become a life time of responsibility in a second.

Answer 4

Its up to you.

I really think that abortion is best only used in extreme circumstamnces, like for rape victims or when a woman has been told her child won't survive or the pregnancy could cause her serious harm.

I'm not "morally" opposed to it, I just think that it can lead to an awful lot of regret.

Its relaly up to your fiance as she is the one who will have to carry and bear this child. If there is no way she feels she can do it and she has talked this through and had some counselling on the issue then she should have an abortion.

She should not have one just to please you or because someone else thinks she should.

If she decides to keep the baby, you will cope. There is never a perfect time to have a baby but you just adapt to circumstances - it might mean getting another job or not going out so much but having the baby will make up for these "losses". Family will usually support and help you.

Even if you don't decide to stay as a couple you can still bring a child up between the two of you.

As for adoption I have no idea how any woman could go through 9 months of exhausting pregnancy and 48 hours of agony giving birth just to hand the baby over to a stranger. I couldn't do it.

Its not up to you though sorry., You can't force her to have an abortion. If she wants to keep the baby the only thing you can do is be a man, face up to your responsibilities and offer to support them both as best as you can, even if you don't stay together as a couple.

EDIT: Oh and as for you being "only" 23 - thats not a child! I'm 34 and my BF is 23 and we are expecting our first and he couldn't be happier, because he's a mature MAN, you obviously aren't.

Answer 5

Even though you tried to have safe sex, the fact is that you have created a child. As a man, you must now take responsibilty for your fiancee and child. To abandon them would be despicable, and you will never be "a real man." What hero can you think of that would abandon his wife and child because the pregnacy was unplanned?

You mentioned that you're having relationship problems. Between this and the uncertainty over abortion, I strongly reccommmend you see a family counselor. This person will be able to give both of you the tools you need to have a loving, mature relationship with each other and with anyone else you wind up with if you do end up getting a "divorce." This person will also help you do make an informed, responsible descision over whether to keep the baby. If you do keep the baby it is ESSENTIAL that you and your wife get counseling to work out your problems.

Family counseling is really very simple and is a real eye-opener on how we relate to people, and I reccommend it to anyone who is having problems- only a few sessions can open your eyes to simple ways to make things better.

Answer 6

You know what they say it takes 2 to tango. No seriously you can't blame her for this alone as she may have said she was on the pill but that isn't always reliable anyway and you should have used a condom if you didn't want to concieve a child. People like you guys should think yourselfs lucky as there are so many women out there that are desparate for a child that can't concieve or wait years of their life to get pregnant and have to go through so much to actually get there. There are people like you and your age that are care free and just get pregnant and think oh i don't want it but is doesn't matter i'll just have an abortion.

That baby is a part of you and will be a living breathing human beeing in a few months, how could anyone want to give up something like that. The day i finally find out im pregnant is going to be the happiest day of my life and i would never in a million years have an abortion. It is the wimps way out. You got yourselves into this now you have to deal with it.

It doesn't matter how much money you have it is about loving your child and being the best parents possible, ok so your not getting on so well with your partner but this baby may make things so much better. I am so in love with my fiance and the thought of having his baby makes me feel so amazing inside that i would get to share that with him.

A child makes you complete and it would be the worst mistake you would ever make getting rid of it. Sit down with your fiance and talk it over and weigh things up and make it work, you will have your family and friends 100% behind you and will love and support you both.

Im sorry if you feel im having a go at you but im not, you have to put things into perspective and think about what you really want and if you want to kill YOUR unborn child.

Good luck with your decision and i hope its the right one for you and whatever you do i hope it works out.

Answer 7

The fact that she is your fiance suggests that you love her enough to be with her through thick and thin. This is a hard time for you, I understand, but she is your fiance and you should stick with her through tough times. If you had planned to have children 'one day in the future' then it's not all that bad just a little earlier than expected (there really never is a best time). On the other hand, if you had both agreed before you got engaged that children where not going to be part of your life she will want to have a termination anyway. I have been through a termination myself and i regret it, but at the time I had not decided whether I wanted to bring up a child. Take time out (fake illness if you need to) to buy yourself some time to have a long hard think about how you feel and what you want to do. The child will be apart of your life forever if she decides to go through with the birth if she's with you or on her own - remember that.
Just so you know, I have two male friends a couple of years older than you who have just become fathers and they were sh***ing themselves but are now completely amazed at how they feel now the baby is born - unconditional love. I wish you all the best X

Answer 8

Well, she's pregnant and there isn't much you can do as it's her body and her choice. Now that there is a mini you, grow up. A woman can get pregnant on the pill, it's not 100 percent effective. You are old enough to know that when you have sex their is a risk of having a baby. She is calm because women are strong, she instinctivly knows this WILL work. Do not leave her because of pregnancy, that is so childish. Sounds a little like you have commiment issues. See a premarital counslor, and do some research on abortion. How could you do that to your baby? Shame shame shame.

Answer 9

Honestly I think you should talk to her. If she wants to keep it there is nothing you can do about it. I am 21 and pregnant with my 2nd kid my bf is only 18. So i know the position you are in. If she decides to keep it, man up. Its your baby too. Don't be some loser who runs at the sight of a problem. If you don't want to be with her that's cool but you still have a responsibility to that unborn child. But talk with her on abortion, she may feel the same way. But there are people out there who are willing to help out new family's who are down and out. If she chooses to keep it there really is nothing you can do. If you stay or go, you will always have a kid out there in this world.

Answer 10

No , leaving her will not be a manly thing to do , you'll are in this together she didn't make this baby by her self she did have your help. I once got pregnant while on the pill so I don't think its something that she plan. The best thing for you'll to do is sit down and talk about it , find out from her if she wants to have an abortion , don't just leave her hanging because you're not ready to take care of your responsebility. Stop being a chump and handle yours.