How can I build up my 7yr old daughter's confidence and self esteem?

Question

My daughter seems to be lacking self confidence. We raise her in a positive environment and praise her for her actions all the time. I tell her everyday that she is beautiful. She doesn't think that she can do anything correctly. She calls herself stupid and dumb, and says that she hates herself! As a mom this breaks my heart. I was raised in a verbally abusive house, so I know what it's like to feel down on yourself, but I never wanted my kids to feel the this way! I still have issues with my confidence, but have never vocalized any of this to her. Do you think something like this is hereditary? I am looking for ideas and things that I can do to help her with this. I seem to be out of ideas. Please help!

Answer 1

I like the idea of allowing her to take guitar lessons. My opinion of when dealing with children with low self esteem is that they may not be challenged enough. Because if I give my child enough positive reinforcement and someone else who doesn't know them very well tries to degrade them, it will have no effect on them if they hold themselves in high esteem. The only I see that a child learns to hold themselves in high esteem is when they overcome challenges and opsticles; most importantly those challenges which you have to try & try again. Try sharing more adventures together which can include physical adventures like in door rock climbing, learning to inline roller skate/ice skate, ski/snowboard, surf, canoeing/kayaking; teach her a high motor skill like juggling, yo-yo, balancing, twirling a batton; learn to bake/ or cook more than basic techniques in the kitchen together; take classes together (many parks/recreation centers have a wide range of classes available at no/low cost - classes ranging from wood shop, arts, metal working, dance, aerobics, martial arts, the list is endless). If someone among your friends, or family has a special interest such as any of these, your child could also benefit from spending time with them. Never stop learning, or trying new things, foods, etc. We at this time are learning latin dance. Remember live life, have fun!!

Answer 2

I believe it does build self esteem and confidence. Personally I have been through low self esteem issues and just by looking in the mirror and appreciating what was already there, it made me love myself and I became more self confident.

Answer 3

I feel for you and your daughter. My 6 year old daughter and I are quite going through the same thing, I mean people in the street act stupid. when I go out with my daughter I don't want nobody messing with us or getting in our business. I just want both of us to have a good time. that way both our confidence in ourselves and each other, and for that matter our self esteem is headed in a positive direction. I hope you can find what really works for you.

Answer 4

My daughter is now 17 yrs old. An honor student. I am a Very proud Mom.
What I did over the years is say to her at least 10 times a day. Mom loves you and if you have any problems I am here for you!! Don't worry about your little problems cause when you get older what will you do about the big problems. If you do have a big problem then come to Mom and I will do anything I can to solve it for you. Now go and play and bring home a very good mark in school for your Mom that loves you sooo much.
That did it for her. She is starting university next year.

From Toronto, Canada
with a smile

Answer 5

You cannot make someone have self-esteem. Constantly praising your daughter can backfire, if she thinks she is not doing anything to deserve the praise. Yes, she is a wonderful person, but to build self-esteem she needs to know that she has made concrete achievements.

What subject does she do well in at school? When she says she is stupid, remind her how well she does in that subject, encourage her to pick up activities and learn how to do them well. Remind her that learning a new activity is always hard at first, that there will be mistakes, but mistakes are NOT bad, they are opportunities for learning. AND, maybe pick something you both can learn to do together so you improve your self-confidence as well.

Answer 6

She might be suffering from a depression - so make an appointment with her doctor to rule it out, but most of the time kids do this for the reaction they get from you. Obviously it's a touchy subject for you because of your upbringing - she's surely picked up on that even though you haven't said anything directly about. Your lack of self confidence probably speaks volumes to her. Try ignoring her self-deprecating behaviour and give her lots of attention and praise when she's not doing this. You may find she gives it up because she's not getting the favorable attention she used to get out of it.

Answer 7

Get her active...not by force but find out things she likes to do. Let her discover her intrests and hobbies so she has something to be proud of. Give her opportunities to do things she can look back on and say, "Remember when I did that!" Try sports, or even just going with her to places. Give her beutiful surroundings so she feels happier. Bright colors help, and getting her together with friends or people who could become her friends. Now, I'm only 15 but I sure do know what I would have wanted that I never had.
GOODLUCK!!!

Answer 8

Well, I think the first thing you should do is try and build up your confidence. You said that you still have issues with your confidence and your daughter might see that. I would say the first step is building up your self confidence and your daughters might follow. Secondly, I would take her out on special mother and daughter things. Maybe you could go get your nails done together and go out to dinner after. This would make her feel like someone really cares about her. I'm not saying that everytime she looks down go buy her something, I just think its important for kids to be spoiled once in a while. Most importantly, just let her know that she is loved. She knows that you love her by you telling her but next time show her. Im sure you do already, but maybe one day after school just sit on her bed with her and talk about her day. Lastly, maybe tell her about how you feel about confidence. The worst thing in the world is to feel like your alone. Maybe thats how she feels. If she knows that shes not the only one, that her mom feels that same way also, she wont feel so different. Hope this helps....

Answer 9

it's a learned behavior! you are probably SUBCONSCOUSLY showing your own insecurities about yourself... which makes your child feel "if there's something wrong with my mommy, there's something wrong with me!"

honestly... i would see a psychologist if i were you. if you work on your own feelings about yourself SHE WILL FOLLOW! IF you don't see her progressing quickly enough get her some therapy also. I have a 14 year old step-daughter that deals with issues of dislike about her own physical appearance. not to scare you BUT, she tried to kill herself last summer. i don't want to point fingers at who's fault her low self-esteem coming from... but i wish her parents (my husband and his ex-wife) had dealt with her self-esteem issues when she was younger.

as the mother of such a fragile child i really WOULD seek help NOW. there's a LOT that can be done if it's dealt with soon enough!

Answer 10

Your child is picking up on your insecurities. Doesn't it make sense? Why should she learn something from you that you don't have?
The thing to give BOTH of you confidence is to do something that frightens you, and do it anyway. I am not talking about playing in traffic or smoking crack. I am talking about doing what you want, as if you were not frightened. Ask yourself "What would I do, if I KNEW it would turn out great? Go do that!
It might be, go to a weight- loss program, or start taking tai-kwon do or ballet. Or learn to speak French or do Pilates. Take a flower-arranging class. DO SOMETHING! It builds confidence to DO anything that you didn't know you could do.
For both of you-TAI kwon do is your ticket. You can take it together, and both of you will relish being aware that your body is more powerful and responsive than you ever thought. It will spill over into every other area of your life.
It is never too late to gain confidence, and master your own life.
Yep-you might get hit in the face--you know what? You can take it, and come up swinging. Isn't that great to know? Instead of being terrified, and crying in the corner?
Good luck!

Answer 11

Self-esteem and self confidence are the bi-products of meeting challenges and overcoming obstacles, e.g., beating your last time in a marathon, etc. Assist your daughter by getting her involved in activities she enjoys, and which will reward her for achievement, eg., karate, team sports,dance, etc.

There is a lot of pressure on young girls to be pretty, skinny, and to dress in the latest fashions (sigh)--yes, even at 7 years old. Help your daughter put her energies into activities that lead to achievement and her self-esteem will go up. When she says things like, "I'm so stupid" help her turn it around by replying with something like, "Now, that can't be true and you know it. It looks like you've made a mistake [that's when kids are most likely to say they're stupid], so let't take a look at what you did and how you want to do it differently next time.". Help her to reframe her mistakes as opportunities for applying her brain to solve problems in a different way. When she does, why she's met another challenge hasn't she? :-)

I hope this helps. If you find that the issue is not improving and affecting her relationships (friends,family) and/or school functioning, I suggest bringing her to a therapist--the therapist should assist you with helping your daughter as well as helping your daughter directly. All the best to you.