Should a parent share their abusive past with children, to help explain they're emotional problem?

Question

Many parents who were abused as children, find themselves dealing with emotional problems or dysfunctional behaviors when they become parents. To avoid having their children feel they are the cause, or as if they're being rejected, certain parents will share memories of their abusive past to help the child understand them better, or to explain why they no longer have contact with past family members.

In contrast, other parents never share their abusive past, to avoid placing emotional burdens on the child. So the child may view the parents behavior as a form of rejection, or it may leave them confused. Some children may even blame themselves for how a parent behaves when they have no other explanation.

Which of the 2 choices do you feel is best? Would another alternative be better than either? If a parent reveals their past, what would be an appropriate age for the child? Is it a form of abuse to share painful memories of abuse with children?

NOTE: This is only to get personal opinions, as I realize professional advice is rarely provided in a forum of this nature.

Answer 1

I think you need to tell your kids, but with no more detail than necessary. And as to their relation to the grandparent who was an abusive parent, I would suggest that having nothing at all to do with such grandparent might be worse than the child learning how to be cautious around adults.

If you have forgiven the parent involved, or at least still have contact with him or her, then you will need to explain things to the child only after he or she is old enough to be a little diplomatic around the offending grandparent.

"Well, Daddy did a lot of drinking in those days, and that's probably what made him so mean. But he's been sober for years now, and has made his amends, so I forgive him. You don't have to be afraid of your grandpa unless he starts drinking again."

Answer 2

I think it doesn't hurt to find out as much as you can about your daughter's family. Worse comes to worst, you keep the information handy for your daughter to look up. When she's older (I'm assuming she's an infant or toddler... correct me if I'm wrong) you can let her know that you do have information and that she's welcome to see it if she wants. Or you can let her approach you first (although letting her know that you're open to her curiosity might be the easier choice for her). I personally have had a bit of a unique experience with being adopted. I don't long for my biological parents the way many people seem to on Y!A. I have had a very wonderful life with my adoptive parents and adoptive sisters (I have 2 sisters, also adoptive, all 3 of us from different biological families), and don't have any real desire to meet my biological parents. I'm also not angry or resentful towards my biological parents either. But since I know that I seem to be the exception and not the rule on Y!A (I'm only speaking for Yahoo! Answers because I don't think it's really representative of all adoptees), I think that a lot of people would have liked the option to have that information at hand. I think the fact that you are willing to do this for your daughter speaks volumes about you, and shows that you truly love her and want what's best for her. To be fair, I think that in your case, where I'm assuming that the adoption crosses ethnic/racial lines, it will be very, very helpful to your daughter to have that outlet to seek out her cultural background. I'm Colombian and my parents are not, but the are Hispanic. Although I do wish I was more familiar with the Colombian culture and its nuances, I'm glad that I was at least able to be raised in a relatively similar culture, speaking the language of my background. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Children often can't handle the thought of their parents being vulnerable. They get very upset when they see them injured or hurt. I think that you do need to let children know about your past to an extent but it should be censored. If for example you were molested by your father and you never see him now you do not have to tell your child all of the horrid details. You could just say my daddy was a bad man or he was not nice to me. Or if there was physical abuse you could say I never want to hurt you like my mother hurt me. When the child is an adult you could have more discussion about the abuse but any child under 18 does not need to know how abused their parents were. If the behaviors you are talking about are physical punishment and abuse toward the child the parent needs to get help FAST. Finally, I believe that anyone who has suffered from abuse should get treatment. It effects your entire life not just your relationships with your children.

Answer 4

I think it would be best answered by a mental heath professional and it depends on the age of the kids to. I would just try to be the best parent possible in this situation and not behave in ways that the child may view as a rejection.

Answer 5

been wrestling with that one for decades. a hundred years ago people must have been dealing with that one. probably, the old way was 99% about keeping it to themselves. the new california style from the early 70s was let it all hang out. now the mass choice seems to be a moderate balance. Hell! who in the hell could answer such a question. i lean toward the old way although i practiced the hippy way up until i reached this age. best to do the best you can and let them have a little mystery and something to think on the rest of their lives. it is a choice of choosing the between two doors. a tiger is behind one door and your mother-in-law is behind the other. or your father-in-law. if you happen to know what i mean.

Answer 6

I believe that the Parent should share their experiences with the children. I think that every Parent should share all of their experiences that they believe are important to them with their children.

That way, the children can learn about abuse & know what to do if they are ever in that situation. And, also they can learn from other experiences that their Parents share with them.

Just as, I am sure that the Parents learned lessons from their Parents.

Answer 7

I had a best girlfriend who was repeatedly raped by her brothers, father, grampa and friends when she was little, while her alcoholic mom turned a blind eye to the issues...all for money. Her beautiful daughter, she never told what happened,..and went through life as the horrible alcoholic whore so the family called her, and the daughter couldn't understand why her mom slept in the bushes and on the street and was in and out of jail and could not stop drinking...she tried, how she tried...but then her grammpa left her a million dollars to cover his guilt...and left it in her parents hands...and the spent it and refused to give her anything...she drowned at age 43, a broken, heartbroken woman...and only AFTER she died, did someone in the family tell the daughter NOT to hate her mom, and told her what her mother suffered...this was so devastating to the daughter, as she was so mean to her mom all her life...so my answer is,...yes..as some point, when the daughter or son might understand...and in intelligent way...if necessary, tell the truth.

Answer 8

I personally didn't have children of my own because I didn't want to end up doing to THEM what my parents did to ME.

Answer 9

This would be better answered by a mental health professional.