marrying the wrong person?

Question

i was in love 7 months ago with a girl & i was going to marry her. we were really in love with each other & were 100% willing to get married. but then i made the biggest mistake in life & i lost her. anyways she didn't forgive me & she ended the r'ship despite me fighting like anything to get her back. that then was over over. 3 months ago, i met another woman (thru family) & we like each other but we don't necessarily love each other. we are not dying for each other but we do wanna get married. But I wanna marry her not really b'coz I love her but b'coz I am alone here (in UK) & feel extremely lonely & I need a wife. We were in love initially (for a month) but then it cooled off. She is abroad at the moment & so we are having a long-distance r'ship now. We think things will be fine after marriage but not 100% sure, but we are wiiling to face the pros & cons of marriage. This marriage is def. taking place, but do u think this marriage will work out fine? it means everything to me.

Answer 1

I think that you are doing the best thing. Love & lust are changeable in nature but committment would never change and with this committment if you get married you will discover the true love among yourself and this love will be growing more & more unlike the love that comes before marriage & starts losing its value day by day after marriage.

Answer 2

Ok, first of all, why are you rushing into marriage with this woman? I understand that you are alone and lonely but from what I can see, this is a classic case of marrying on the rebound.

Its probably not what you want to hear, but I beg you, don't go through with this.

It sounds to me as if you have many regrets about letting the other woman go. We all make mistakes and we've all got regrets.
But it seems to me that possibly part of this rushing into marriage after only 3 months with this new woman is not only a huge mistake, you are trying to "replace" your ex as quickly as possible and get married to make sure you're committed and she can't leave you and you can't leave her. You are seeking commitment and an end to the loneliness. You think that if you are married, it's going to solve all your problems- honey it won't!

You have answered a very important question when you say you are marrying her not because you love her but because you are lonely and "need a wife"
Why do you "need a wife"? Is it because of your religion or culture? Are you under pressure to marry from someone or is the pressure totally your own. Are you marrying to leave the country or for emmigration purposes?

Listen honey, a marriage is about much more than simply being a husband or a wife and not feeling lonely. Its about being there for eachother 24/7. Its about a life together, a commitment, it's about taking the good with the bad, it's about setting up a home together, perhaps having children and let me tell you, it's not all hearts and flowers.
You must have the love, the longing and the respect for eacother there to be able to make the marriage work and it looks to me as if you don't love her- you may still be in love with your ex-girlfriend but if that is really over then you should not even consider marrying this woman.

Sometimes adults in a relationship find that in the beginning, things are very intense- when the relationship is all new and exciting you may think you're in love, but then things cool down, and you realise that what you thought was "love" was merely lust and infatuation. Feelings get carried away and if you are desperate to be in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship and getting married, it can be hard to seperate what you feel for the person and the feelings of "needing to marry".

You say the marriage is definitley going ahead, so does it really matter what anyone says?
In my opinion, the marriage will not work in the sense of a real, loving, lasting, committed relationship, it's just you and her and no one else, a partnership ie a "real" marriage.
Instead, you may commit yourself to a "marriage" in law but end up being even more lonely than you are right now. A bad marriage is hell! Don't get into it!
It leaves you feeling vulnerable, unloved, unwanted and totally worthless. In the end you can and will lose your self-esteem, you may end up with financial worries- and god forbid there are any children involved- thats a big disaster!

Get out now while you still can. Take some time out to socialise, make new friends, live a little, and when the time is right and another woman comes along, don't rush into anything. Take your time, get to know eachother fall in love and then decided after a while that you want to marry.
3 months is not long in any relationship, far less a long distance one. Once you marry this woman you are stuck with it- divorce is not easy but I fear inevitable if you go rushing in as you are now.

Good luck.

Answer 3

My friend, I don't think you know what the pros and cons of marriage are nowdays. Let's skip the other very good points being made by other people in regards to your question. Big point number 2 should be "how much of your money are you willing to gamble that the woman you marry will never leave you and always take care of you?" You're in the UK correct? Take a look at one of your country's national icons, Paul McCartney. Ask him how love is working out for him. He "thought" he was in love, and three years later, he stands to lose half of a fortune that he had started building years before his current ex was even wearing a bra. He is lucky: he has the money to fight this thing, and even if he loses, he won't be a homeless man by any means. I take it you are significantly poorer than him, and if you lose half of your income and savings because some woman decided she just got tired of you, you'd be significantly worse off than him as well.

Of course, there's no guarantee that the woman you're talking to now will divorce you. You're in the UK, so you don't have quite the divorce problem we have here in America, where with a 50% divorce rate, quite frankly I advise that one get married overseas if they must get married at all. However, 15% is nothing to sneeze at, especially considering the amount of money you stand to lose. If you are lonely, and need a woman to spend time with, simply co-habitate with one, and don't have kids. You may still lose money, but you won't face automatic 50% forefiture of all your assets like you would if you got married and it didn't work out. Just take it slow, and wait before you do anything rash.

Answer 4

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to get married for reasons other than 'love' if you're both open about it. But it's usually a mistake to get married because you're insecure and lonely. Understandable, but still a mistake. I called off a marriage and broke up with someone because I realized this. You let your insecurity take over and ignore potentially troublesome things about the other person. I felt like a real heel after I broke up with her, but before a year was up people realized what she was like, why I broke up, and asked me why I had put up wih her for so long. It was because we were both insecure and looking for someone to cling to. Prove that you can have friendships first and that you can stand alone, THEN find someone to get married to. I didn't think others found me attractive, and found out I was wrong. I had a few steady girlfriends. And when I was facing marriage, I had to sit down alone and ask myself, "Is this really what I want? How do I know? What do I ask myself?" I had to think of the girls I had known, and if you're insecure it's easy to not notice that there are girls out there trying to attract your attention. It took some time before I realized the question I had to ask was, "Is this the person I want to grow old with?" I could make a clean break, disappoint everyone and go find someone else. But when I answered my own question with, "Yes, I want to grow old with her," it was time.

Answer 5

Hello,

Your question sounds more like you're trying to meet your needs, rather than about a relationship and commitment. I think you're lonely and like the idea of being married. Emotionally--and in terms of maturity, as far as I can tell from the way you're writing about marriage--I don't think you're ready for it. If you did get married, you'd be setting the girl (and yourself) up for a painful fall...and that wouldn't be fair to her. Don't do it.

Find another way to fill your time and to manage your lonliness.

Think in terms of friendships first, not marriage. If you start there, you'll both fill your time well, without pressuring yourself or anyone else emotionally. It'll help relieve your lonliness and you might even find someone whom you can truly love.

But no, I don't think you're ready now. And if you marry now, it won't work. Both you and she will be disappointed and hurt.

Answer 6

It could if you value honesty, truthfulness and respect because that is what love is really about. As far as the intense relationship that was lost....it will never measure up to what you really wanted and now probably focus on as being much better than it was in actuality. I think you need to wait and give it some time before you commit to a relationship...........it is simply to soon and I do not believe it is either a good choice or a relationship to which there is a reasonable chance of success.

Answer 7

lonliness is definately not a reason to get married. You have to realize that lonliness goes away w/ other changes in your life. Don't marry for the wrong reason you want to find someone you can't live w/ out and ache for.some people get married simply to have children . after having children they don't like each other anymore now they've involved children in this facade and that's not fair. You were in love for a month? That love feeling we all get in the beginning after a bout 9 mos that feeling wears off and we discover if this is really the person we want to live with. a marriage is work and you will probably not have the love feeling again like you did in the beginning.

Answer 8

Oh my! You said you were lonely right? Getting married is not the solution as of now. You are making the biggest mistakes of your life! What if in the years to come you overcome your loneliness and find the right girl for you? Give your self sometime to recover from what happened to you before jumping to marriage. Guess you just want to prove something to your ex.

Answer 9

You are both making a major mistake. a little later, you are going to find yourself getting annoyed and then outright not liking each other. You have only known each other for 3 months. You say the marriage is definitely taking place. My advice would be to have a good lawyer (barrister) on standby.

Answer 10

okay...First off you are making a mistake....just because you are lonley...Hun keep dating but do not get married. It sounds like you are really still in love with the other girl and you are hurting deeply. Do not marry someone if you are not in love with that person. If you think about it ...you do not know how long forever is ......and while you are trying to live up with you vows lets say that other girl comes back to you or you fall in love for real with someone....if you get a divorce you are another statistic! If you stay married you are miserble truly ...and if you cheat you still will not be happy and will be commiting a sin....so your best bet is call off this wedding and stay dating....why rush yourself to marry? oh and I know about this because some of my family have expressed to me that they feel I need to get married because I am preg. and "its only right" Well I disagree...I care for my babys dad and love him as more than a friend but I can not say we are in love. I do admit I am falling slowly.....but y rush things...and y should I marry this guy if I do not love him?....I am not ....I dont wanna be divorced by 21 or something....now you make your choice...and by the way I think yours is easier because she is not preg. or something...and you never said your families was pushing it.....goodluck