Telling family secrets?

Question

I feel icky; I told my college aged nephew some of the not so nice background of our childhood--he wondered why his dad (my brother) was so unloving, demanding, distant, grumpy.

Relating to some previous secret he'd found out last month, his words were "how come I'm not told the truth--I find out about this or that." Not knowing what THOSE details were, I explained some of the rigid punishments we'd grown up with--the expectations of our folks (and thus how those expectations become grimly ensconced in our actions--either to overcome, to color our judgement, to color our actions)...

Why someone does the things they do sometimes needs explanation. (How come Dad can be happy and carefree with coworkers, but have such a critical nature at home..I tell him I don't live with his rules. That's a brave nephew.)

I wish I'd not said all I'd told him. But I nonetheless held back facts.
Is family history something you shouldn't start to discuss at all?
When do you tell someone???

Answer 1

I think you did the right thing. You weren't gabbing off to your nephew out of spite. You were trying to give him some information to make sense out of his life.
If you keep the secrets hidden, they just fester, and people imagine things that are even worse than the reality.
The first step towards sorting out a dysfunctional family is accepting that there are problems, and defining those problems. To do that, some of the family secrets may need to be discussed.
I'd say, exercise caution, - your nephew may have enough information for now, and not yet be ready for more, but, when he is, give him the information, as well as the support he may need to accept that information, and to handle it in a constructive manner.
Depending upon the magnitude of the problem, you may also want to consider working through the issues you have with a counsellor, (your question suggests that you have some issues, as well as your nephew), or suggesting your nephew see a counsellor, or having joint sessions.

Answer 2

Ahhh, that's an interesting issue. I don't think you did a wrong thing is confiding in your nephew, and he is right, if it affects him, he should know. Things that will affect the health and well being of another family member are things that should be told.

When do you tell someone? When you feel a need to share, to get it out of your system, to get some relief from the burden you carry, When you need advice on how to cope or deal with it, or help someone else cope with it.

The reason you feel guilt is likely because many of us were raised to "never air the dirty laundry". That's one of the reasons therapists have jobs these days - you just sometimes need to air that laundry.

You answered this yourself - "Why someone does the things they do sometimes needs explanation."

Some family secrets are meant to be kept - for example, I do NOT want to know the details of my parent's sex life (shudder).

However, if "uncle Bob" likes to have all the girls in the family sit in his lap and "ride the pony"- even if he tells them it's a secret, it shouldn't be. And uncle bob deserves the *** kicking he's gonna get.

Basically, you have to rely upon trust and discretion. You told your nephew for several reasons - you could trust him to be discreet t his age, you needed to get it off your chest, you needed him to see and know what was happening so he can possibly avoid it happening to him.

All very good reasons. You did the right thing.

Answer 3

My family is so full of secrets, it's just appalling. Now many of the people who knew the truth are dead, so though the secrets keep rising to the surface we can only guess at some of the details. You can imagine how difficult this is.

So tell the secrets and get them out in the open so the people involved can reach an understanding and get a chance to forgive the forgivable and there's still time to change what needs to be dealt with.

Answer 4

I believe in the truth. All families have things they would rather hide but sometimes the consequences are much worse when the truth comes out.

We all found out too late that my cousin had given up a child out of wedlock. It was in the 60's. I know my aunt thought she was doing the right thing in making my cousin give up her baby but we all wished we had known so we might have helped them and they did not have to bear all the secrets themselves for 30 years. Eventually, the daughter decided to find her birth-mother and now they are very close (with the permission of her adoptive parents)

I found out too late some bad things that happened to my Mother during her childhood.

Truth is everything.

You probably helped your nephew to understand his father

Answer 5

I know someone who spent 9 years in prison for murder - a teen who was charged as an adult. This person is attractive and smart but you'd never guess what family secrets are behind those eyes. As you can imagine, it's almost impossible for this person to feel comfortable trying to make any friends because of all those secrets. I guess you just need to use your own best judgment when deciding who gets to know about what. Good luck.

Answer 6

I think family history is okay to talk about as long as it's kept in the family. What you did by explaining why his father is the way he is was give him insight, comfort, and knowledge of the fact it's not based on hatred, disgust or contempt towards family life. This gives him knowledge not to allow his fathers influence to effect his future family life. And possibly a way to relate to his father in a way that may actually come to help them grow closer.

When to share the skeletons in the closet is when I feels like they need to be buried once and for all.

Answer 7

Families shouldn't have secrets from each other to begin with. You did the right thing. Secrets are meant to be revealed and it is much better to hear a secret from someone you trust and someone who knows the truth than hearing it from anyone else.

Answer 8

In the first place it was not your place to tell your nephew anything. This should come from your brother. And as for telling all the family secrects, unless it is incest, I think parents change and no point of bringing up something to hurt them. I believe in honoring our father and mother even if it isn`t deserved. Besides, parenting unfortunately does not come with an instruction book, and we all make our fair mistakes being parents.

Answer 9

Family history that could upset the person youre telling, and has no real point of discussing it, should be kept in the closet. If its critical that the person know, then by all means, tell them. If not, let sleeping dogs lie.

Answer 10

Well, every family has secrets but in my opinion you did the right thing. I would want to know.