My husband says he is misserable and wants to find someone new and that I should too. I dont know how to deal.

Question

He has turned 41 and we have been married for 15 years. I am still fit and attractive and intelligent. He says he is no longer happy and that he has to go find happiness now. We have had problems in the past and have seperated a few times. We were going to counciling but he didnt want to go anymore. He said he needed someone who was more family oriented. He said he needed to find someone new and that I should too. This came after he had said he had wanted to try and work things out. We have been seperated and the counciler suggested that we live apart for a few months. I got an apartment and started to fix it up and make it look pretty. This was the firt time I had gotten new things and was starting to look forward to the move. We had disscussed him moving in after a few months and then he started to change. He acted weird out of the blue and said he didnt want to try anymore and he did not want to live in the town I moved to. He said it hasnt worked this lond so why bother. Im so lost

Answer 1

You said you already had your apartment and you were starting to put it nice and all, well...seems like you can move on without him...which you should, you deserve better and if he doesn't appreciate you well...I am sure there will be someone else who would. Don't waste your time in something that I doubt will get better, you already try for so many times...that is just draining for you.. move on...You will survive!! My best wishes to you. Good luck

Answer 2

I think he's already gone and what you're left holding are remnants and memories. I don't know if he has someone else, but either way, he sounds very confused.

At this point, though, it's no longer about him. It's about you and what you want and what you need. Obviously, you still love him and I won't say that he doesn't love you. But sometimes, people fall out of love. It happens in relationships and sometimes, marriages too.

It could be a mid-life crisis, it could be any number of things. But if you've tried separating and that didn't work, and you tried being together and that didn't work, and you tried counseling and that didn't work...there isn't a whole lot more to do.

Though the answer isn't popular and I don't necessarily suggest it, people have done it....take in a third...open your marriage. It doesn't sound like sex is the issue though.

So, kiss, shed a tear, say goodbye and try, as best you can, to go on with your life.

I am very sorry for your misery. I know it hurts.

Answer 3

Although I hate to see marriages break up, I think the best thing you can do is tell him bye-bye. I went thru many years of back and forth just like this. Things were fine, then BAM one day he comes home, tells me he doesn't love me anymore. Then a week later, says he's sorry, he didn't mean that. Things would be fine for awhile, and then the cycle would start again. I couldn't find anything that would trigger it, but always "sensed" when it was coming. After the 3 time of this, enough was enough and after 11 years of marriage, I heard, I don't love you anymore for the LAST time. I got myself an apartment, filed for divorce, and never looked back. Yes it was hard, sad, and all of the loss you feel with losing such an important relationship, but in the end, I am so much happier. The up and down and back and forth of all of your situation is too emotionally and mentally draining. Sorry for the long post. Good Luck to you

Answer 4

Lots of issues here. The thing that jumps out at me is the statement that he says that he wants someone who is more "family oriented". What does that mean? Do you not want children? After 15 years, I would think that such an issue would be resolved by now. My guess is that if you don't have any children together - you don't say that you do - he's getting older and wants to have kids now. Is that it? If it is, it doesn't matter how "fit, attractive, and intelligent" you are. You can't replace the need for family with your good looks.

If the issue is children and family and you are opposed to such, it's time to let him find someone that will provide for him in that way. Counseling doesn't appear to be doing any good, and you're having fun fixing up your own place with new things. That appears to be where your heart lies.

I think it's time to finalize the separation and move toward divorce.

Answer 5

Wow, im so sorry to hear this. If this were me, and since i was married to him, i would never give up, i would just try my best to make sure our communication was open and get him to tell me exactly what the problems were so i could try to change and work it out and he may have things that you would like changed. You obviously love each other to be married that long. Also, i dont know if you are a christian or not, but the both of you could try praying together about it. You could explain to your husband how it is a shame to have just waisted 15 years of your life and have to start all over again. You could bring up the good memories you had together in the past. Maybe all this will get him to thinking about it more before making such a rash decision..I wish y ou the best of luck!

Answer 6

Sometimes you know people change like in this case your husband cares for you you have history. but its not enough to carry him through another 15 years of marriage with you he notices this is not what he wants nor needs he needs something else. and although its sad its reality . You can't force someone to stay in love or continue to love you if the feelings have died. I know its hard but you have to accept this. You did try councling he tryed too hopeing im sure that his feeling would change you even went apart a few months and he's adapting to this well and realizing this seperation is better. so he's trying to hurt you as little as possible by saying that you too should find your happiness in life. its a shame to stay in a prison of a loveless marriage just because one person doens't agree I Know its hard for you. but look at it this way even if he did stay things would never be the same inside you would know he never really loves you and you don't deserve a half part time lover you want the full mans love and attention if your heart isn't in it it will show. your both best trying to find love else where. life is short my dear you can still find love love comes at any age. its not just for the young.

Good luck and continue decorating that new apt. in the colours you like make it your new birds nest a place of warmth and calmness a place you like to go to and you will in time invite your own people over that you meet.

A new chapter in your life is beginning remember its not the end. but something new coming around the bend.

Good luck you'll make it!

Answer 7

Sounds as if he's already moved on. Two people are supposed to move together paralleled not lateral, meaning two people are supposed to move together as one not apart. He's conflicted and no amount of effort or worry from you will influence him to change his mind if you've made so much effort at this point seeking counseling and achieving space between your residences. You're holding onto a dream, rather than reality. You seem to be happier in your apartment. See this as a blessing instead of feeling lost. He's freeing you and allowing you become your own person and achieve a seemingly much needed independence. He doesn't deserve you. You commited to him for a littlle less than half his lifetime and he's letting you because he's decided he wants more. That's ridculous. Is that how much you're worth? I doubt it. Find someone who loves you for you, period. You're wasting yourself but staying and hoping for someone who has long given up. I know it's hard to let go but life is hard and you'll be a better, stronger person by rising above your struggles.

Answer 8

The solution is for both you and your husband to live an honest life...this is tricky now. Please listen. If your husband does not love you anymore...then that's the truth. Going to counseling to change his behavior for a desired outcome only digs deeper the lie. If you or your husband are not love in anymore than you should think about divorcing in a civil manner and opening a door to someone else who may love you in the way it should be.

Facing the truth is hard...you always worry about how people see you. But majority of marriages end up in divorce. Most people are happier in the second or third marriages. It seems it takes some folks a little practice to get things right.

Answer 9

I'm in your husbands position, long term relationship never lived together. Me and my girlfriend are always working at cross purposes, she is constantly vying for the upper hand. I feel she is the opposing team. I went through a six month depression, clawed my way out and she never noticed, I keep a stiff upper lip but come on. We have fights, I dump her and she will never let go and we go through all that just to get back to our bad relationship. I've had much better relationships, and this ain't close. She hasn't and doesn't know.

She seems unhappy, I'm unhappy. We both deserve relationships that are a better fit. The dating scene totally blows but this is hopeless.

Why do women want to keep a bad relationship going just because we have already wasted years?

Stay friends with your husband if you can, but you both owe it to yourselves to find relationships that are a better fit.

Answer 10

It sounds like he has someone on the side.

This marriage has been slowly falling apart for a long time, perhaps since the day you were married. Do what you can to move on - file for divorce, etc. Be happy that you are fit and attractive and when you're ready, you'll find someone who truly loves you.