About 2 years before I met my wife, she had an abortion. To this day, it tears her up. It's her biggest regret. Because of TV and other things, everytime the abortion issue comes up, there's an awkward silence. I'm very pro-life, but I don't condem her obviously. But I want to talk to her about it, without upsetting her, and I don't know how.
2006-11-23 16:44:47 · 21 answers · asked by theodore r 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First, ask her, during one of those moments, something like "Honey, do you want to talk about it?" If she says yes, just hear her out, don't be judgmental, and let her vent. Then you could say something like "You know what? We all make mistakes in our youth that we regret. The fact that it still bothers you simply means you are a thoughtful, caring person with a good heart and a conscience. But maybe it's time to forgive yourself and move forward. I love you very much and want you to know that nothing you did before we were married has diminished my respect and love for you." If that doesn't work, suggest counseling.
2006-11-23 16:53:40 · answer #1 · answered by Stretchy McSlapNuts 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
What are some of the "other things" that you mentioned in your question? That may have something to do with the situation. Is there anti-abortion material in your home? Have you made a point of publicizing your pro-life stance (besides in your question)? Have you attended pro-life rallies? Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way: your pro-life stance could be causing some of the problems. She's already having enough problems "kicking her own behind." She doesn't need the constant reminders---she remembers enough.
Give her space---if she wants to discuss it with you, she will. Period.
I know where she's been---I had the same problem. I had an abortion with a previous relationship. I discussed it with my husband before I became pregnant with our first child--I felt that he needed to know. Now that we're divorcing, it's thrown up in my face constantly. Sometimes, things from the past (before our relationships) are better LEFT there.
Your wife would do well with professional counseling. It has helped me tremendously, and now, can even talk about it (see above).
BTW, if she has asked God to forgive her, then He has forgiven her, and it doesn't matter what ANYONE else thinks!
Feel free to e-mail me here from the site. I do care about her and what happens. I will pray for both of you!
2006-11-23 18:15:08 · answer #2 · answered by wvmamaquack 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Greetings & Blessings of the Goddess & God,
You cannot deal, with your wifes abortion:
1: Because You were not involved in the decision in the 1st place!
2: As the abortion is over!
Therefore, you can only deal with the aftermath.
We feel your wife self punishes herself, as do the Greatest Majority of Women, who have had abortions.
Religions & Pro-Lifers are Wrong! The Greatest Majority of Women who have Abortions Condemn Themselves & Don`t Realize, that the True Loving Deity/ies, will help them to Heal!
It is Contradictory for Religions & Pro-Lifers to Condemn these Women, & yet Give their Blessings to Soldiers, who Kill the Enemy in War, as a Great Deal of the Enemy are Children, including Unborn Children.
Part of your quandry, is that you are "very pro-life" & yet you don`t condemn her, as she feels you should. This would be a way of her being punnished, for what she feels was wrong. However, you want to Love, Accept & Understand her (Congratulations with this), which is Contradictory, to how she feels & sees you should be, towards her.
We Strongly Suggest, that you Re-Evaluate your ?, Pro-Life Views & you & your wife get Couples Counselling for this problem, before it Tears you Apart!
yours,
Ankhumen
2006-11-23 18:14:57 · answer #3 · answered by Ankhumen 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. It's good to hear you are sensitive and willing to help her. It sounds like she could use some counseling. Perhaps she can go to a few sessions herself, and you could join in later.
Next time the abortion issue comes up, instead of awkward silence, give her a little hug - no need to say anything. Just your arm around her shoulders might make her feel better.
2006-11-23 16:48:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Repeat to her exactly what you wrote in your initial question. Hopefully you can be as open with her as you can to all of us here.
Tell her you love her and are concerned about how it's affected her life and that you know it's an emotional issue for her. Be sure to also tell her that you place no judgment on her decision but that you want to be there for her if she needs to talk about it. Love, concern, tenderness and letting her know that you're there for her in any support capacity she may need whether it's just talking about it the issue or helping her find a professional to deal with it. Patience, above all else, will help her as she may not be able to talk about it just yet. Just let her know you're there for her when she is.
2006-11-23 17:20:49 · answer #5 · answered by L R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a BIG reason to get help. You BOTH need to get in there; she needs it because it damaged her psyche, you need it because you care about her and don't want to hurt her further. She NEEDS your support.
First I would see about finding a councelor that CAN help. Then I would suggestively ask her if she wants to go with you to check it out. At no point should you make her feel like you think less of her or that she is guilty of any wrong doing. Unfortunately, knowing your anti-abortion stance, she already has that in her subconcious.
2006-11-23 18:07:31 · answer #6 · answered by georgd58 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you need to talk to her about it ? She will talk to you if she wants. Don't make her feel any more guilty then she might already feel. It's great you don't condemn her for it. You are not her Judge. Her Judge is a very forgiving one. Please I am totally against abortion now but I will never make anyone feel bad if they made that mistake. So give her the option to talk about it to you or not. Nothing you can do about it now anyway.
2006-11-23 17:34:59 · answer #7 · answered by TRABCO 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hay hi...I really understand the situation and just want to give you my little bit of wisdom....First is I think luisa_map has the right idea of a hug...Then she needs to know that she is allowed to grieve for her baby.... It might be what she needs to hear......Because unless she does this she will not be able to get past where she is....How ever the loss happened or how old the baby born or unborn psychologically she was pregnant and "IT" was a baby.... She suffered a loss and has to learn how to deal with it or maybe she is not sure how you will react to her sorrow....I give her my deepest condolences...But really she needs to grieve...Maybe she really does just need someone to give her that " It's ok to grieve" hug...I think so....But I wish you both all the best...God bless you both and keep you safe...Peace...
2006-11-23 17:33:15 · answer #8 · answered by Sandra is my name 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"I'm very pro life.." says a lot.
She knows you are, and it may be tearing her up inside that she's upset you.
Seek professional counseling together. I don't normally say that, but in this situation I think it's a good idea.
2006-11-23 17:28:11 · answer #9 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been there myself. Tell her the only way I was able to not tear or feel badly of my choice at the time, was to ask God to forgive me. Once I did that, the pain was gone, the guilt was lifted and I could once again realize life.
2006-11-23 17:23:45 · answer #10 · answered by â? â?¥ Steelnpearls â?¥ â? Deb â?¥â?¢.¸â?¥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋