Am I wrong to say anything?

Question

My husband's brother and wife are far from parent's of the year. As a social worker, I set up parenting classes, make my own daily visits, just to make sure the kids are fed and changed (they are 3 mos, and 2yrs). Last night I got a call at 2:30 in the AM to go and bail her out of jail for a domestic dispute. A neighbor called the police because the children were crying a long time. Her and her husband got into a physical argument. (her fault) Today, when they came for thanksgiving, not money being lent was mentioned, the issue of the children was never mentioned and she sat on her butt, as well as him, while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off serving about 30 people. While I was cleaning up the mess, she not only talked about going shopping in the morning with her sister, but she also informed me that they were going to try having another child. Sarcastically, I said "don't you think you should learn to care 4 the ones you have first?" She got mad and she left.

As a mother of 5, I think proper parenting is really important, and her line of thinking is that if she has more children, she gets more welfare benefits...she refuses to work. I'm done helping them out. First thing tomorrow I am handing over their social service case to my supervisor to be assigned to someone else. (they are running from social services in 3 states). I love my nephews, I'm having a hard time with this out of guilt, but it needs to be done. My question is, do I have a right to voice my opinion? I'm about ready to knock her into next week. She hasn't gone past the 8th grade, she's very ignorant and very spiteful when she doesn't get her way...however, these children are already suffering, she doesn't have the right to go and make more. What would you do?

I've read some answers, and I need to add that I did report them as soon as they moved backed to our town. I asked to be appointed to the case because I did not want my nephews in the system and I thought by enrolling them in parenting classes and monitoring the situation daily, I could prevent that. All I've been doing is enabling...I know this. But, I've seen the after affects of foster care and I wouldn't wish that on any child. I have 5 of my own, I love my nephews but I have priorities too. And my husband agrees whole heartedly, (he also helped out with turkey day)...he just doesn't know how to voice his opinion...until after they have left. I've also tried to show her how to parent, but she acts like an 8yr old. Even her own mother turned her in. I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that turning it over and letting fate take it's course is the right thing to do. My conscience is having a hard time with this...the babies are so young, but I just can't take them.

Answer 1

No I think you hit the nail right on the head. If anything, you stopped short on telling them the whole truth they need to hear. It sure sounds like they really have their sense of right and wrong up side down!

When everything that they are doing wrong, I'm surprised that the state hasn't stepped in and taken the children away, and charged then with abuse and or neglect.

As you are a social worker, and aware of how things are, I'm surprised that you allow this to continue. I understand that this is family, and therefore harder than normal, but you still have a legal obligation to protect those children from harm.

My question to you is, as a relative, social worker, and a officer of the law, how much longer are you going to stand by and allow the abuse and neglect go on?

Answer 2

I think out of no fault of her own that she didn't have a very good upbringing and she doesn't know any better. Her kids will probably turn out just as bad.
I think she needs some help in parenting skills. Is there a way you or someone can have a nice "chat" with her regarding her getting a GED and some parenting classes. She may need to see the light in regards to her children's future. What kind of future is she planning for them education-wise? She is their future roll model and if she can't even comprehend a whole lot, where does that leave the kids.
It sounds like she missed out on some much needed growing up and she herself still needs some serious guidance.
Are you her social worker? Is that aloud being that you are family? Isn't it a conflict of interest? (I'm only asking does the state allow employees related to cases in general?)
If you are her soc. worker, I think you need to keep work and family issues separate. If you are on-a-call arguing with her, you have every right to do what is required by your employment. Off the clock, your issues need to be addressed differently.
Please don't put all the blame on her. I believe she acts the way she does because that is all she knows. Try to become her friend and guide her in the right direction...at least for the kid's sake. good luck!

Answer 3

Honestly, you are overstepping your boundaries. I think its awesome that you are a social worker and you care enough to make sure her kids are fed, but that's her responsibility. If she can't take care of them, it's not your place to say anything or even help out! You're really going out of your way to be a good friend/family member, but to her, you're only a nosy b*tch who thinks she knows it all. Again, I completely understand what you are trying to do, but it really isn't going to help her situation as a better parent. Especially if she already thinks she's doing it just fine! As for Thanksgiving, you go, Girl! I'm proud. I have the same problem! So I know how you feel- here's the thing, though: Just because you would do it for someone, doesn't mean they would do it for you. I've learned to expect the worst out of people, because the truth is, there aren't a whole lot of "us's" in the world. That way, if they do something helpful, nice, thoughtful, etc. you'll be pleasantly surprised, rather then pissed and heated!

Answer 4

Sorry to desagree with but no fight is any ONE persons fault. There were two people in that fight and it was two peoples fault.

I know you are upset with her for not helping but were any of the other 30 people at you dinner helping.? Did you ask her to help.? Some people can not always see that they should help, they need to be told or asked.

If you bailed her out of jail where was hubby.? Could he not or did he not have the money and that was why you were called.?

With good reason you seem to not like the wife but there needs to be some blame put on the husband also. He is part parent also.

Answer 5

NO! You were absolutely right! They are both irresponsible, so if other people (including YOU) are looking out for the well-being of their children, then you have every right to speak your mind. Next year, tell your husband to pitch in and help with the dinner and serving people since his relatives are the ones who can't get off their butts. Don't be a doormat for these people...next time you get a call to bail her out of jail...tell her to call her shopping friend, then hang up. Sometimes I agree with one of the other people on here who said people should have to pass a test before becoming parents!

Answer 6

ur a social worker n u have not reported them yet? next time leave the losers 2 bail themselves out n save ur cash 4 something more worth while. remember people do not help themselves until others leave them 2 fend for themselves.

good luck but make sure u get child services involved it can be done annonomously. those kids do not deserve it.

Answer 7

Great comment.She deserved that and I agree she does need to grow up and face parental parenting more seriously than she or her hubby is.
Poor bloody kids they don't ask to be born and they don't ask to be drag up in a violent home.
If i was you i be getting the welfare involved and working on getting those infants out for there own safety and protection.
What sort of traumas and emotional stuff are they going to be growing up with.
I am proud of you for stepping in but those babies need alot more.
THEY NEED LOVE AND SECURITY

Answer 8

get someone else to take the case. it is too close to home. next time she is in jail, leave her there. And hey, speak up, this is not your battle. Where is the rest of the family? Oh yeah, give her a bill for the bail.

Answer 9

being family, you have every right to voice your opinion. being a social worker, you have a duty to either take action yourself, or as you are doing, handing off the case to someone else, because you are too close to the situation. someone else may have a more clear perspective. but it sounds like some investigation is needed. don't lose any sleep over the results.

Answer 10

I totally agree with you for being upset and concerned and I think I'd try doing something about the treatment of the other two children as they are to small to defend themselves. I think if I was you I would either try to take them away from them because they sound unfit.