Can you please fix my little story? thanx:)?

Question

Erase the disappointment

I had no idea what I’d do. I thought perhaps I’d be happy to go to the mall after school. I felt the silence of the dark classroom; felt my surroundings and heard my own breath. I felt my heart, heard it signals and flashes at each beat. I recognized how each beat fastened and fastened. My eyes closed at each flash of light and … TICK; TACK TICK… went the old rusty, clock. I saw the hatred, the confidence and willingness in her eyes. I closed my eyes for the silence and darkness to engulf me. Then, everything fell into place automatically; I grabbed my bag and now I know that Merlin is worth something.
The door in the girl’s room was filled with names that I haven’t heard before. I remember Kim writing her name with a sharp, pointy glass on the cement floor. Four years past, and I still believe it was yesterday. Those memories I surely will not forget. Julia broke my thoughts and now I was in the present. Her hair was done differently today. Usually, she takes a ponytail and ties it around her hair. Now, she has moose on and she straightened her bangs.
“What’s up with your hair?” “You know what, you really look bad no offense or anything.”
“Oh, yeah you think so?” “Well, the thing is, there is the musical audition tonight, and maybe I will make it in if, you know, I look different from the other days.
“Musical audition? Never heard of that.”

Answer 1

heard its signals and flashes...recognized how it quickened with each beat, or how each beat was faster and faster.

moose is mispelled. it should be mousse.

Answer 2

You over clarify issues. --finding out to bypass downstairs and devour something, I did.-- purely say, "i wanting to bypass downstairs and devour something." the way you wrote it became like Emma did it two times; although, both sentences are somewhat stiff, so i'd advise you try distinct sentence platforms. also, the reader does no longer favor to understand each and every element Emma does after she wakes up. you could state she greeted her family contributors and were given her breakfast waiting. we do not truly care if she had waffles or no longer. similar with different issues. You defined intimately how Emma buckled herself in even as she and James were going searching, how James placed the major contained in the ignition, how he drove out of the driveway and onto the line. purely say he began the vehicle and they left. The reader does no longer care about tiny archives. you also repeat issues. --**i spotted that they were whispering something about me in the back of my decrease back, yet I couldn’t understand what they were declaring.** i wanting to ignore them. Then I grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator, opened it, took a sip and went out of the room. **i presumed it became extraordinary that everybody in my family contributors became searching at me in the back of my decrease back.**-- If Emma talked about them whispering the first time, probability is it should be extraordinary to her. also, wealthy human beings have a tendency to harass the overall public in how their youngsters fall into money with out truly attempting, so the triplets having a BMW and Emma having a used mini cooper isn't that giant. besides, who the hell is going to provide a BMW to some youngsters? it really is what the rusty previous family contributors motor vehicle is for. And why triplets? Who even has triplets? Triplets are not very reliable in a tale because it isn't real looking. Fiction isn't authentic life, even though it really is a tale which may be available in authentic life, till it really is a technology fiction or fantasy novel. some thoughts are a techniques fetched, yet they could take position.

Answer 3

Wow! Are you the same person that writes for the spam emails I receive in my bulk folder from bogus stock companies? You have exactly the same style!!!

Good luck with your writing career, and thanks for the two points!

Answer 4

maybe you should finish the story or you shouldnt be so mean havent you ever been nice to a girl and then they start to like you well just sayin.