Will I ever get over this pain?

Question

I think I am going insane.Can't stop thinking about my husband who left me 3 months ago to live on his own. I caught him cheating but he said he left because he needed time to be on his own. He had been phoning every night and coming over every weekend but wouldn't commit to the marriage, he wanted to have an open relationship with me, I think. Anyway, it was a comfort to have his come over, now I have blown it because I have been saying to him that perhaps he should stop coming over if he doesn't know what he wants because he is confusing me etc. I am finding it difficult without him as we were married for 19 years and he was my everything.I have phoned him twice this evening and he has his phone switched off so I am thinking that he is up to no good. I know that its nothing to do with me what he does, but he had been giving me hope one day and then the next taking it away, I thought perhaps he was too proud to want to come back, but it looks like he means to stay away for good.

Answer 1

You didn't blow it he blew it when he cheated then left. You can do better if you are better. You have to see that you are better than to be his hobby filling in between the good time he is having elsewhere.When he turns off his phone on a holiday that is torture I know. Even if he did come back eventually it would start to tear away at you that you sat and waited while he did what he wanted. Any time there is love, there is no pride.

Answer 2

I am sorry. 19 years is a very long time. I have a similar situation going on in my life and I have only been married for 3 years. Once the trust is broken and you "catch" someone in something, that should be the end. You need to preserve yourself. Protect yourself in all ways. Keep yourself busy and do everything you can to keep your mind off of him. He is not comitted to you. It sounds like he'll never commit again. Acceptance is difficult. Getting through pain like that is a horrible thing. Someone told me to just "take it day by day." Stay busy and maintain your pride by not begging him to come back. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be there. I don't know what happened in the marriage, but you are not alone. Be strong, make a decision and stand your ground. Just know that there are others out there feeling just how you feel. I hope this offers some comfort. Good Luck.

Answer 3

O dear...Well first of all i would like to say that i'm so sorry for what has happened to you! This is definitely something very hard to deal with and unfortunately no one can tell you anything that will make you feel better..It's up to you completely. I understand how your feeling for i have been there before and there is nothing to help heal other than time. Time is the only remedy and i promise it will eventually be okay! He is being very very unfair to you by leading you on and keeping you around. You really should try to stay away from him. You were right in the first place to tell him maybe he should stop coming over because yes, he is confusing you. He really doesn't know what he wants and it's not fair to you at all to keep you around "just in case" or what you said he calls an "open relationship." I KNOW ITS HARD TO JUST FORGET ABOUT SOMEBODY..and i won't just happen. Keep yourself busy and know that it's okay to be sad and cry. I hope this helps!

Answer 4

Men like when you make yourself available to them. Please don't second guess yourself you did the right thing by telling him that he should stop coming over, because if you allow him to come over have sex with you and live he will do it and the only person that is hurting in the end is you. You deserve so much more and when you realize that you will feel alot better about yourself and your life. I can understand because you two have been married for so long you have built a foundation together and your feeling have remand the same his has not. Personally I would give him the space that he wants and needs. He is NEVER going to figure out what he wants if you don't give him space. Please close that door and stop letting him control your feelings. By the time he comes back around who said that you would want to be with him anyway??

Answer 5

I have experienced the same devastation you are dealing with now. Yes, you will get over the pain, but in order to do so you have to develop a plan of action and implement it.
First, allow yourself to grieve the loss and don't feel guilty. Only you know how long you should allow yourself to grieve. Cry, scream, run, do whatever helps you to purge yourself of the hurt, but make sure your choices are healthful ones.
Second, start focusing on you. Think about some of the things you wanted to do ninteen years ago, but did not do because they were not conducive to married life. This will assist you in getting over the "he was my everything" feeling. Ninteen years is a long time to be with one person, and I can see how he became your everything. But he has apparently moved on and is doing his own thing. You should be doing the same.
Third, stop doing the things that bring you pain. YOU CAUGHT HIM CHEATING, and you have not blown anything. Don't call him. Don't ask to see him. I know this sounds easier said than done, but like I told you, I know your pain and moving on from it can be done, and the end result is very rewarding.
Fourth, no one can hurt or confuse you unless you allow them to. Stand up for yourself! You have to love you and take care of you. He is not going to do it, and his actions over the last three months are screaming that to you. Make the decision not to long for someone who is not longing for you. If he was, he would be at home with you working on the marriage.
Honestly, I think you know the answers to your concerns. A situation like this would cause anyone to doubt themselves. Right now, you just need others to confirm what you already know, and ain't nothing wrong with that.
If you create a plan of action and follow through, I promise you that heavy, weary feeling in your chest will gradually disappear. Before you know it, you will look back and be proud of how much you have grown, not just as a women, but also as a person. I am pro marriage, but only if both parties are willing to do what is needed to make it work. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

Answer 6

Yes the pain will faid away a bit more every day.You do need to not see your husband though.It will only slow the process.He was your companion for 19 years thats why its so difficult to let go.Except the fact that he wants to move on and then you must do the same.Think of all the things you wanted to do in the past eg scuba diving,horse riding or sky diving.these are examples of extreme sports but they are also really fun hobbies.Maybe you should go to the south of France or even to one of our nicer holiday resorts the lake district(assuming your from England)go and get to know yourself.Relax sit by a lake and take in the beauty of your surroundings. Breath deeply and start to enjoy your own company.Smile to yourself and tell yourself that you are wonderful.Have some you time....go and have some fun.Promise yourself that you will be happy regardless.

Answer 7

Oh hun i know it hurts but you really must stop putting yourself through this. It does get easier, im not saying you will forget but time does help to heal. You must find something to occupy your spare time. Even if it means getting a email pal or going out with your friends. Try and get a life of your own, it sounds stupid but the more you show him you dont care the more he will care about you. Ive been through this and the only way it heals is to get a life and enjoy the time you have. Life is far too short to sit and mope about what might have been. As for him cheating, do you really think that you could forgive and forget what he did to you. Thats always going to be in the back of your mind if you did get back together. Please move forward, there is life after divorce you know. I got myself a toyboy 10yrs younger than myself my kids love him they want for nothing, if i can do it im sure you can. Good luck and i hope everything goes well for you xxx

Answer 8

check out a site called www.marriagebuilders.com, it has a great section on
how to survive affairs, and why they happen. It helped me. It talks about the love bank and how we fill it up. Husbands never leave to "Be on their own" they leave so they do not have to feel guilty about their affair, but once that happens, they realize they miss the good parts of the marriage, this is part of the love bank. You are not filling his love bank, so he must get it somewhere else.

Seek professional help, I know this from experience. Your marriage is worth saving if you still love each other.

If you do this, and find it will not work, then develop yourself, take up Salsa dancing, exercise, relink to a social group such as a Church or social club. This is an obstacle that god has put in your path, he wants you to dig in your heels and fight...

Answer 9

he is living by himself because he is seeing someone else. he still sees you because he is not ready to severe the relationship yet, as he may not be sure of the new relationship. yes it will be difficult without him, and we just don't stop thinking about the man we loved. you just have to accept the fact he is seeing someone else, because there is nothing we can do about it anyway. give him his space, don't call him or expect him to make up his mind now. if he refuses to commit to u, than don't allow him to come over, he is getting the best of both of his worlds. this is all about him and this woman, not about the marriage and you. sometimes we just have to allow the relationship with the other woman to play out, and accept whatever happens, as we have no control over him anyway. but even if he did come back, what than? there will be a whole new set of problems to deal with than, personally if my man chose someone else over me, and was giving me the run around when i asked him to come home, i would not really want him back.

Answer 10

I went through a rough time around the holidays and for some reason listening to The Stones made me feel better. Not sure why, maybe because I hadn't in awhile and it felt like a visit from an old friend. "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need"