i havent talked to my father in 5 years?

Question

im 21 my father should be in his 60s already. he's leaving in japan &im here in the states. my parents got divorced ages ago, when i was just a child they used to scream at eachother, i've seen my father grab my mother's neck once. i used to be a daddy's girl. i got everything from him, i knew that he cared for me so much. but one day, i wrote him an email saying that im going to be moving to hawaii (after highschool) & told him everything how i felt about him. i didnt want to take anyone sides but i ended up taking my mothers. i miss him so much. he's old &alone. but i cant seem to call him or email him. im getting married in 3 months. of course he doesnt have any clue. im not sure if i want him there at my wedding because last couple of times i saw him he was always angry about something (im thinking my mother) & i never had a straight conversation with him &never felt the same being with him. i doubt im going to end up telling him about the wedding. but what do you think i should do

..and im actually "scared" to talk to him. not "afraid" but "scared" i dont know how to explain it.

Answer 1

I'm 24 and haven't really spoken to my father for over 6 years. Our estrangement started because of him. He and my mother split when I was 5. I now know that he was violent and emotionally abusive to my mother. I grew up living between my parents, splitting the week between weekdays and weekends. My dad spoke terribly of my mother. The end of my senior year in high school is when our estrangement started over a misunderstanding on his part.

A couple years after I graduated I was married and having my first child. My father had no interest in any of it. I send him pictures of my daughter and he didn't want to see them. He said terrible things to me, including that he didn't think I was really his daughter... trust that I am.

My fraternal grandmother died recently. I attended the funeral with my husband and two children. When we entered the room, he immediately left. He returned once everyone began to make their way for the funeral. There was nothing said between us until the burial. His siblings worked it out so that we would have to sit next to each other under the tent beside the grave (they were hoping this would be an opportunity for us to reconnect). I sat down beside him and said "Hey, daddy." He sighed. As soon as the prayer ended and everyone rose, he left.

He's almost 67 years old and in increasingly bad health. I found out since the funeral that he may have Paranoid Personality Disorder. I don't know for sure, but I try to keep in mind that none of anything is his fault... it's all his mind. Unfortunately, however, that's not helping either him nor me make changes to end the estrangement.

Extremely long story short. Do what you feel is right for you in your heart. I feel my children are better off not having him in their lives. He's brought me little other than pain, so I don't feel my life will be any better for mending our relationship. Consider the possiblities of all of your options, and choose what you feel is best for you.

Answer 2

Obviously, the divorce was ugly and violent. However, he is 60 years old, and while that's not exactly a death sentence, he's not going to be around forever. In light of your upcoming wedding, you should consider talking to him. Just let him know what's going on in your life. The act of reaching out will probably make the both of you feel better. You don't have to make any promises about inviting him to the wedding if you think it would be a strain on the ceremony (with your mom present, as I assume she will be). But the reality is that your father won't be around forever, and if you have anything that has been left unsaid or you have been stewing over, now is the time to reconcile them. Later may never come. Good luck to the both of you.

Answer 3

I'm not an expert on this type of thing but I know what you mean. I have some experience... My mom always told me that I should give the guy a chance, she never said anything bad about him she actually defended the bastard. but anyways thats my prob... I went and met him, I wished that I never had, he met all my expectations (they were really low) and It made me sick. but he died in September, I just found this out yesterday...and now I kind of wish in some wierd way that I made some more contact with him. You see I have my dad and then I have my biological father, the only one that I invited to my wedding was my dad. If it makes you uncomfortable to have him there dont invite him, but make sure that you at least write him one more time before its to late. I used to hate the guy, but now I think I was more hurt than anything. I hope this helps a little.

Answer 4

If you've tried to get them to communicate, then you've done the very best that you could do. Something tells me that you feel at least somewhat responsible for solving their problems/issues. Nothing could be farther from the truth. People can be very mule-headed when they're at the "ignoring-the-other" stage of the game. Eventually it will come down to one of the men "losing face" and "giving in" to make peace. If they're both stubborn, that might takes years...or sadly it may never happen. I certainly hope that it does, as I'm sure it would make you very happy - and rightfully so. Admit to them both that their long-standing silent treatment is affecting you. Perhaps that will encourage one of them to soften. If it doesn't, then let them hash it out on their own. If they're going to put an argument before their child's/grandchild's feelings then they have some growing up to do - even at their ages! Good luck.

Answer 5

he should know you have a life and you are getting married. he should know that something good has come out of this marriage of his.
you should know that he might also not love you at all, and that maybe your "emotional efforts" are waisted on him... or maybe not... you really should try and ask him. it would be a pitty if tomorrow you were to have a child that has "his gramps's eyes" and you weren't able to tell him so..
you obviously have an issue with him, and you should try and resolve the matter. you might also wait one day to many and live to regret that you haven't done it while he was alive.

call him up to tell him you're getting married, invite him to attend, if the phone scares you try skype... you could "work up" to it... starting with the chat, that gives you time to rationalize what you are going to say because you have to write it and can always take back things you realise are not what you want to say (that is, before you click on the "enter" button on your keyboard) and eventually switching to talking (and it's cheaper too!)
also...you should explain how did you end up writing on Answers.IT instead of answers.COM ...^_^!

Answer 6

It's very hard being a father to a young girl. Dad's like to protect us from the world evils. Mom's many times are enablers and can make life worse. It's good you appear to have turned out OK. Dad I am sure will be proud of you. Asking him to come to your wedding, might be more than he can handle. Especially if you land-blasted him in a previous e-mail. Oh he loves you, and he loves you unconditionally, that kind of love is super rare. You do what your inner voice tells you is right.

Answer 7

Write him a letter and explain how you feel and why. Tell him he's the only father you will ever have and you don't want to let things go on as they are. You're willing to take a chance of rebuilding a relationship with him if he is. What he does with that letter is entirely up to him. It's knowing that you tried.

Answer 8

I think you should do the right thing and call your father.

Imagine if you don't ever and then you get the news in say 5 years- your father died today. How would you feel?

Put yourself in your fathers shoes. What do you think you would like your daughter to do.

Don't take sides- just love your parents.

Answer 9

You should talk to him. If your thinking of him now then you obviously want to connect w/him on some level. Just call and ask how he's doing. I'm pretty sure he'd appreciate that and so will you!

Answer 10

Talk to him. If you dont you will one day be sorry.