HELP me with my husband and son! Its out of control?

Question

I recently married a great man. He assumed the fatherly role of four boys and together we have a baby girl and a baby due here next couple of weeks. My second oldest son and him cant get along... there isnt a day that doesnt go by where there isnt a huge fight. Just a couple of days ago... my son got upset and broke a window in the house... after my husband grabbed him and dragged him out of the house. Next week... same thing... he drug him out of the house... and my son kicked the car door. The police were called and my 14 year old son was taken to Juvy. My husband doesnt know how to communicate and everytime I try to talk to him... he goes into a rage. He yells and screams and I have tried to tell him this isnt effective with my son. My son and him bang heads because they are both hot headed. We have been to see a conselor and the conselor has told him not to yell and scream or get physical. He doesnt listen. I try to tell him there are better ways of handling his. He doesnt listen.

He uses the F-word all the time when dealing with the kids. His mother was the same way... and father. No control and always yelling and threatening. I just dont find this effective parenting. Yes... my son is being a anus... he is doing everything wrong, he is failing in school, angry, all that bad stuff. No he hasnt used drugs and no he doesnt hang around punks... he doesnt hang around anyone... he is a home body. I am at the end of my rope. I cant talk to the man. I love him and I dont want our marriage to end... but I fear that if he doesnt get help... or at least try... I have no other choice but to leave. He doesnt communicate at all. He sits all day and watches television... most of the day that is... and occassionaly bursts out in a f... this and a f... that. GOd help me... I am so lost as to what to do!

Answer 1

YOUR son doesn't need this!!! I know I am a nobody from yahoo answers but never allow a man to manipulate the way things go in your house because you are scared to be alone!!! He may be bad, out of control, etc but your husbands behavior is not going to suddenly turn your son around and change your family life.If he is acting this way, cursing, etc He is just trying to show authority.This only makes your son think you love your husband more than him.Which will make him feel like he has NO ONE! Don't let this happen anymore.What if your son committed suicide?Would you blame yourself? Don't even have a reason to blame you.Do all you can now to accommodate your kids.Forget the man....I don't care if your pregnant with triplets...Dump him.....He thinks he is big by "showing" your son He is boss and you listen to him.Show him!!! Never put a man before your kids.You can find a way to support your kids!!! It sounds like you need to get into family counseling with all the kids, without the guy, and into church.You can get a church family and they will help you through.I hope and pray you heed my advice.Jesus doesn't want you to be miserable... he has a greater plan for you and your family.Listen....

Answer 2

Ok, time to take a breather. Holidays are here and it sounds like everybody is going to be home. See if your 14 year old doesn't want to go stay with His father over the holiday. Or grandma, or aunt Sue....he needs the break.

You've gotten this far and the baby is due soon. Ignore hubby's behaviors for now and concentrate on what you need to do anyway. Ask your son to please try to stay out of his way to avoid conflict as much as possible. For now.

Your man is drowning. He's stressed over the kids you have and the one that is coming. He's stressed over finances. He's depressed and your son makes himself a target.

Your son can join the after school program, get his homework done, and attend an activity unitl 6. This will minimize contact at home. Enroll your son to see the school counselor so he can have someone to confide in that isn't linked to your husband.

Let as much of the housework slide as is possible for now. You need to rest. Take your husband's outside activities as a blessing as that too minimizes contact with the kids. Ask your mom or family members for help since the baby is due and the whole situation has become overwhelming. Don't look to the man for anything. Leave him out of it.

Once the baby arrives and you all have some kind of routine established, then you can make decisions. Definitely prevent any more pregnancies. Everyone is feeling that stress.....Ask the brothers to hang with the 14 year old and participate in activities with him, even if it's just a trip over to grandma's. You all need space.

Let hubby know that since you are in no position to interfere when his behaviors escalate into abuse you are going to make a call for help. To the boys father, to another football coach, to the police, to a brother. Ask the neighbors to make a call if they see your son being drug outside again.

Understand that the situation is not going to change. You can put methods in place to cope with the behaviors for now. Keep seeing the counsler if you need to. But don't expect that hubby is going to change. You just need to adopt some behaviors for avoiding and coping.

Answer 3

regrettably she is a tremendous situation for the entire family individuals. She is dirupting issues in you and your husbands courting and he or she is putting your son interior the approach each thing and complicated him. this isn't good in any respect. Your husband desires to sit down down with her and tell her joint custody skill basically that. Custody is shared between 2 mom and father. both mom and father have the say about what's taking position of their childs life. no longer one be certain controlling the way issues are for the baby and the different be certain. If issues do not paintings on your husband with verbal substitute then he ought to ought to take her to courtroom or no less than seek for an attorneys suggestion. I wish your household the finest of success.

Answer 4

Tell me you didn't know this about him before you made a child with him?

Sounds like a MAJOR @hole. I wish you never had a baby with him, it makes the situation more difficult. In the end, there are 4 boys in a bad situation (maybe a girl too) I am not a believer in divorce, however for your kids sake, leave him. Don't come back to him ever. NEVER DATE, OR GET REMARRIED, until your now 5 children are adults. You owe that to them. It's always a huge MISTAKE for single parents to allow step parents power over discipline, and enforcing consequences with children from a previous marriage. At min. that MUST STOP. Tell him to back off!!! Your kids need their natural father only, if he is scum, then they don't need another one, it's just you until they are 18.

Good Luck

Answer 5

And you married this guy because???? He sounds like he has some major issues, if he's yelling and physical, that's abuse and you need to get out of the marriage kids by him or not. Your son is out of control because of the situation and I think unless your hubby is willing to listen and change, there is no hope here. It doesn't matter how his parents treated him, sure it's crum that they were treating him how he is treating your son, but it's his choice to be like them, it's his responsibility to be accountable for his actions. 14 is a touchy age, kids test parents all the time.

First, sit down with him and tell him that you want things to work out with you and the family but you cannot tolerate all the yelling and fighting, you have a baby due that you do not want to bring into this family in this state. Tell him that unless he starts showing responsility for his actions, getting some help, and really working to change, you are leaving, no if and or but.

For your son, tell him you love him and that this situation is out of control with him and your hubby, that you are leaving if they both can't work things out and change.

I would think of my kids first, what kind of impression is your hubby on them? Do you really want that for you kids to grow up in that environment?

Answer 6

kids see things that we can't . this man is no good for you and your son knows it. (smart kid!)
your son doesn't want you hurt anymore than what you have been (emotionally).
you started out saying how wonderful he is, but never told us what makes him wonderful except the f word and dragging kids out of the house. (the kids' HOME) assuming a fatherly roll does not mean he abuses your kids. fatherly roll does not mean he gets to treat your kids like his kids. it means he does what a FATHER does - like support football by teaching how to throw and going to games and such.
your husband is taking advantage of the situation. he gets to beat up on kids and get you pregnant and you think it's o.k. because he pays the bills?
either leave or stop complaining and take it.

Answer 7

i feel very bad to here what going on. but your right if you and your husband don't do something your headding for big problems like your marriage. it happen to a friend they broke up or he gave up.and where your kid may an up doing drugs@ alcohol when they get older and then an up in jail.
and i mean big ones.there is only one thing i know military school work.a very good friend of mine had the same problems but a little worse then i told him to send his boy to military school. when i seen him a couple of mouth ago he thank me and told me he is surprise how much he son has change the way he talk and the way he Cary him self with pride and dignity.i don't know how old are your kids but the sooner the better. and may ower GOD help you and your husband. and ask god to keep you strong.w/love for the family.and i will keep your family in prayer.and one more thing he back with his wife.

Answer 8

Your husband needs to get help with his anger/rage problems. If he doesn't, you could eventually find yourself in a situation where CPS gets involved and removes all of your children from your home; even the one you're carrying. I would tell him he needs to get help, because you don't want to lose your children. Either that, or he should get out.

I know fourteen-year-old boys can be a hand full; but they are still minor children, and physical and verbal abuse are not affective (or legal) ways to deal with them. Also, your husband could end up being (and perhaps already should have been) arrested.

One place to go for support in dealing with this situation, is a women's center or shelter. They can, at the very least, help you find counseling and other types of support, which should be free or on a 'sliding scale'. There are many people out there who can offer aid to you and your children, and a women's shelter (or women's center) is a very good place to start. You should be able to find one simply by looking in your phone book. Or you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Their web address is: http://www.ndvh.org

If you can't find help from the above suggestions, you can email me by clicking on my profile, and I'll do whatever I can to help you locate the local resources/agencies you need to get help (or just lend you a sympathetic 'ear'). I've been in a situation similar to yours, and I can tell you that your husband is not likely to change. Especially, without outside intervention. Also, I realize that with five children and another one on the way, you're in a very vulnerable and difficult situation. . .

Answer 9

I know what your going threw. When I use to live at home My step dad and my younger brother got into it like that every day and still today. All I can say is try to keep your son and him away from each other and tell your son to keep his mouth shut dont talk back just walk away.

Answer 10

It doesn't sound like you married a "great man". It sounds like you married what I married. Someone who is passive/agressive with antisocial tendencies and anger issues.

If you want to stay with this *great man", I would seek family counseling and have him take parenting classes and anger management. I would also make sure your son gets counseling. Having you tell this man how to do things is only compounding your problems. Men like this think they are always right, they are unapologetic. Match that with a quick temper, and you've set yourself up for a whole world of bad.

I wish you the best.