How do you get through a loved one suffering badly from cancer?

Question

It's so sad. He has been battling cancer for over 2 years now. No matter what they seem to do it just seems to keep on spreading. It is now in his spine and he is in constant agony even when he has been given morphine and other drugs more potent than this. He is not even 50 yet and did not smoke or anything else like that - he was really fit and healthy - now he cannot even climb stairs at home without feeling breathless. It is so horrible to watch someone suffer this and there is absolutely nothing you can do to help. I cant even imagine how he must feel. Why does it always happen to the good people...anyone else out there going through this too?

Answer 1

Be yourself is my advice. Don't feel sorry for him, and don't treat him any differently. I have a friend who has terminal cancer and he likes my company because I haven't changed or started treating him with kid gloves. Make them laugh and give them gossip and fun things. I am going to start playing chess with my mate via text messages as he is sat on the couch quite a lot due to his condition.

Answer 2

I lost a loved one to Melanoma a few years ago, and watching that person that was so full of life and watching the cancer take him over is one of the most heartbreaking things that I have ever witnessed, he was only 44, layed in the sun all the time. Now when I see people tanning or laying out in the sun , I feel really bad for them, I go back and think about the one I lost. It does always seem to happen to the really nice people that would never hurt a fly. There is really nothing that you can do, just be there for him and make him comfortable. I wish the best for you and I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

Answer 3

I understand what you are going through. My 17 year old was diagnosed with stage IV abdominal cancer and it was a devastating time.
He stumped all his doctors though by rallying and actually beating back his cancer for 20 months. He was even in remission for 8 months. We are still in the middle of fighting this disease, but I will share with you what we learned.

Be strong. Enjoy your loved one during the moments that you can. Hold him up when he falls. Let him keep his dignity to the end. When you are with him, think only of that moment. Do not worry about what used to be or what will be. Stay focused in the moment and enjoy those precious times together.

Our situation has been a little bit different, but when he was originally hospitalized (with multiple tumors) we were never certain if he would make it through the week, let alone months, or years. During that time I was determined to assist him in any way possible, to help him with whatever journey he was taking. I brought this child into the world, and I would be there to help him as he left.

So, become determined to give of yourself . . to help him pass from this life in the best way possible. There are services and people that can help you accomplish this. These are the people from hospice.

If you have not contacted Hospice you should do so immediately. They can help access the pain he is in and make recommendations to make him more comfortable. Ask his doctor or the social worker at his cancer clinic how to contact them. There are also a few websites that you should look at to help you as a caregiver:

Hospice
http://www.hospicenet.org/

Hospice Foundation of America
http://www.hospicefoundation.org/

Caring Connections
http://www.caringinfo.org

Peace to you.

Answer 4

I have had the experience of being both the patient (colon cancer age 47) and the caregiver as my husband had a brain tumor at age 39.

In my opinion it is far more difficult to be the caregiver. Educate yourself about your friend's type of cancer. The more knowledge we have the less fearful we are.

Contact the American Cancer Society and ask for their book titled, "When Someone You Know Has Cancer." It is very good.

I found it comforting to know that I was being prayed for.

And, remember to take good care of yourself. If you don't care for yourself, you are unable to care for others.

Your question, "Why does it always happen to the good people?" Cancer happens to all kinds of people. It is very hard to watch someone you love suffer. But, our responsibility is to lighten the load for those suffering, to make this portion of their journey a little easier.

Make his favorite food. Walk the dog for him. Clean the house. Rake the leaves. Pick up his favorite CD or book. Read to him if he isn't able to. And, sometimes just sit next to him and hold his hand. If he is talking, listen to what he is saying. I mean really listen.

I hope some of these tips help you to help your friend through this difficult time.

I will pray for you.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, Shonsay, cancer is indiscriminate, it affects anybody, at anytime, regardless of how good or bad we've been.

Some cancers are directly attributable to our way of life, such as malignant melanoma, caused by excessive(obsessive) exposure to strong sunlight and UVA.

Others seemingly appear from nowhere, you go to a doctor with what seems a minor illness then find you have an incurable cancer. It's not fair, all you can do for your loved one is to be there to give him all your love and affection.

He may be facing the inevitable, but the love of family can help take away the worst of the pain. I've lost both my parents, so I know what it's like to lose a love one, it doesn't get any easier, but you can learn to live with it.

Answer 6

I think there will be a lot of people on here who will have experienced a loved one suffering with cancer, so hopefully there'll be people who can pass on their own experiences.

I have seen many people suffer with cancer, and experience really varies from one person to the other. The only common theme is that MacMillan nurses, or the local hospice can provide excellent assistance. People always associate them with being "the end" but in contrast they are actually many of the best at controlling symtoms, and also ensuring you all get the right support.

From a personal experience, when my father passed away, he appreciated me being exactly how i normally was with him, namely sarcastic and off hand. He said the normal atmosphere helped him in some way, although i grant you this may not be the same for everyone.

Answer 7

No, not at this time,but I did in the past,I nursed my mother through cancer ( she was ridden with it when they opened her up). She had all the treatments that were available in the late 7O's which were minimal compared to what they can give today.
I do sympathise with you, it so horrible watching someone you love die litterally right in front of you.
Unfortunately, there really isn't anything you can do for him, but tell him how much you love him and be there for him as much and whenever he needs you.
May god bless you and get you through this terrible time.
The lord so I've be brought up to believe, always takes the good one's first.
My best friends twin sister has just past away with the same cancer as your husband,so I do know what you have to endure on a daily basis,and my heart goes out to you.

Answer 8

I've gone through the same thing you have.My Grandma
had cancer yet,glory be,was cured and is now supporting cancer fundraisers.My Grandpa has had cancer and kidney problems.
My Sister's father has just been looked at and it turns out he has cancer in his throat.These things shake me emotionaly for its hard to watch them suffer and struggle.I try and be supportive to them by saying it'll be ok and hugging them alot and wishing them the best.I also spend a lot of time with them too,just to let them know I care.Sometimes,cancer can just come by itself from an infection or,even worse,second hand smoking.
With all the harmful chemicals,cigarrettes,cigars,etc.can cause lung cancer,mouth cancer,and all sorts of other harmful places that can weaken the body.I do not know how luck can turn away from these people at the moment they really need it.I do know that we all tried hard and were supportive though to get them through their suffering and make them a little better every step of the way.So,try and spend time with him,reasure him,and even look up things like healthier food or something else that makes him feel better.I hope this helps!

Answer 9

Sorry you and he are going through this! It is horrible and always unfair! Moreso if its a young person or child! The only way I find helpful for them and myself is to treat people as normally as possible. On days they are feeling ill seeing people who are miserable only makes them feel worse too. Try and hide your own feelings at this time round them but don't bottle it up. Talk to others close to them and try and support each other through the bad times!
I cared for my parents till the end and have lost young relatives including a baby son! In my work I have cared for terminally ill patients or the elderly and it is never easy!
All you can do sometimes is just be there!
If it helps you cope remember you are not alone! Someone somewhere is facing the same thing! People DO understand! You will get through it! How I cant say as we all find our own way!

Answer 10

I have been through it and I know all the pain that goes with it. My mother died at 64 from cancer - she had it practically everywhere. What I did was to help her practically as much as I could. I took her to every hospital appointment, I looked at every alternative therapy, I spent as much time with her as I could, I saw her almost every day, I rang her every day, I read almost every book there is about cancer. I did everything I possibly could to relieve her pain. I never cried in front of her. She needed someone to be strong for her - other people could let their feelings show, but not me. Like your other replies, I did pray for her. When she died I was with her, holding her hand. This will be an awful thing to tell you, but I heard her take her last breath. I really wept then. But I think you have to be strong for the suffering person, and do absolutely everything you can for them. Imagine if it were you. I could go on at length but will stop now. I really do feel for you. XX

Answer 11

You are right, it always seems to happen to good people. The selfish, mean ones always live longer!!
I know what you are going through, I lost my father nearly 3 months ago now to cancer, and since his diagnosis two years before we never had any good news, it always got worse with every appointment/test he had.
It's hell for anyone to have to go through this torture, and as relatives and friends all we can do is stay strong for our loved ones, and give them many happy times, and make sure they never feel alone, that we are always there for them.
My father was only 58, and he was so brave and strong, he was more worried about us the whole time, he hardly ever complained and just tried to get on with things.
Cancer is a dreadful disease, I hate how it has so prematurely separated me from my wonderful Dad. I try to focus on the happy times with him now, he was my hero!

Sometimes you will feel helpless and feel a loss of control over what is happening, but by just being there for your loved one, and loving them, that is all he would want from you. All the best and believe me you will get through this! xxxxxxxxxx